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The Best Reds in the Big Ten: A Scientific and Definitive Study

Nebraska Week is OVER. But discussions of Nebraska-related things never end on this Big Ten blog—that, to repeat for the Husker fans still not grasping it, is not an Ohio State blog—with more Nebraska writers than any other school, and that happened again.

Thumpasaurus: DJ tells me a confirmed EF1 occurred 15 miles from the UMD campus. AKA Big Ten initiation.

Creighton: That woman who smashed the beer can on her face and chugged the beer was step one. Having tornados wreck your shit is step 2. Once those stupid school colored overalls hit the student section there’s no turning back.

MNW: Oh God, imagine what those would look like in Maryland colors.

Come to think of it, how are there not already bibs with the Maryland flag on them?



First, two things to get out of the way:

Our Apologies to People Who, Like MNW, Have Probably Cried After the Fucking Ishihara Test

Dead Read: I am colorblind. So whatever my team wears is great. Everything else is trash.

The Non-Red Reams Must Make Themselves Heard

Boilerman31: They’re all ugly and the schools who own them should feel awful for their lack of creativity.

Andrew Kraszewski: 1: no

T-last: all the unoriginal red schools

Stewmonkey13: If I may add an addendum to the fine ranking done my esteemed colleague.

1. No
T-last: all the unoriginal red teams

beezer07: Also I move that Northwester be considered a red team, cuz purple is half red. [The motion was ruled out of order.]

What followed are indisputable rankings:

The Best Reds in the Big Ten

Ed. note: The only votes listed come from complete ballots. Four were provided: MNW, Thumpasaurus, Creighton M, and Ray Ransom.

8. Ohio State Buckeyes

Ratings: MNW 7 | Thump 8 | Creighton 2 | Ray 6

MNW: Looks dirty, is paired with gray.

Ray: Yeah it’s fine, I guess. Why is there Grey sometimes?

Thump: 8. Ohio State. So like. You have a nice gray as your secondary color, and yet you need to go with a big loud scarlet as primary? Grow up and have some class. What, are you a macaw now? Why don’t you go fly around a rapidly diminishing rainforest. Fuck outta here.

7. wisconsin badgers

Ratings: MNW 8 | Thump 5 | Creighton 7 | Ray 2

Stewmonkey13 [continued]: Even worse: UNL
Fuck you: wisconsin

beezer07: 1. The Wisconsin one. [The source was ruled “too close to the situation.”]

Thumpasaurus: wisconsin...goes with an unremarkable red that’s somehow not distinct like Indiana’s, and then pairs it with white. Ho-hum, it’s red.

Ray: Basically the same color so it’s great. Not as good because Rutgers did it first. Looks good in snow. [This vote was protested by an unnamed source, citing Ray’s predilection to Summer Shandy as biasing his opinions. Ray could not be reached for comment, because we did not try.]

6. Rutgers Scarlet Knights

Ratings: MNW 6 | Thump 7 | Creighton 3 | Ray 1

MNW: Ew.

Ray: It is the absolute most pure red in the conference and quite frankly, we were red before all of you copy cats started up after football was cool. [Ray was deemed too close to the situation, and his vote was thrown out.]

Thump: 7. I guess Rutgers? Scarlet is just scarlet and there’s kind of nothing special about it, Especially when you don’t break it up with a helmet stripe. But at least it’s in your name and has a historical basis.

5. Minnesota Golden Gophers

Ratings: MNW 4 | Thump 6 | Creighton 5 | Ray 7

MNW: Maroon but it works, particularly with Vegas Gold. Bring it back, Peejus.

Thump: Minnesota gets points for maroon being unique but you’re not the Chicago Maroons and it doesn’t look that good on you.

Ray: You ugly.

beez: Last. The Minnesota one

T-3. Maryland Terrapins

Ratings: MNW 5 | Thump 3 | Creighton 4 | Ray 4

MNW: A nice red, but lost among the flag.

Thump: Maryland has a straight up RED that’s quite basic yet effective. Somehow they make it look understated, but I identify it with their classic look. It’s somehow one of the less shouty reds in the conference.

Ray: Not bad when you can find it in the see of like, every weird color ever.

T-3. Nebraska Cornhuskers

Ratings: MNW 3 | Thump 4 | Creighton 6 | Ray 3

MNW: Go Big

Thump: Nebraska makes a really big loud scarlet red work, because they pair it only with a bright white, which balances out how brilliant that color is and makes for a nice combo. Frankly, the less trim on a Nebraska uniform, the better it looks.

Ray: See Wisconsin.

2. Indiana Hoosiers

Ratings: MNW 2 | Thump 2 | Creighton 1 | Ray 5

MNW: Deep, powerful, looks nice with chrome or in stripes.

Ray: Not bad in the abstract. Crimson Quarry makes it bad.

Thump: Indiana does indeed have such a great red. It’s more dignified than a loud, in-your-face bright red like Rutgers, but bold enough not to be stodgy like Alabama’s red. Love this color, especially with the satin helmets.

1. Grange

Thump: The biggest of all reds.

Even when they’re not competing, Michigan loses.