In what is my favorite episode of the entire series of Parks and Recreation, perpetually scheming Tom Haverford invents “a high-end Kahlua-style liquor,” which is made by mixing “a bunch of alcohol together, [adding] some sugar and coffee, and some other junk, and it kinda tastes like Kahlua.” It has also been described as “basically rat poison.” Our Heroes drink it of course, and extremely drunken antics and one big fight ensue.

So as we round into home for Purdue week, we have several questions related to the Snake Juice theme:

1. What is the most bonkers or boozy concoction you have ever encountered?
2. Have you ever been so adversely affected by a foray into alcohol that you thought you “might go sledding” in June? What happened?

3. If you were to come up with a “high-end Kahlua-style liquor” (or something else of your choosing, I don’t want to stifle your creativity) what would you name it?

BrianBee2: My experiences with exceptionally boozy concoctions are probably not all that unique. In college, my roommates and I filled a large plastic storage bin with too many bottles of grain alcohol, several additional bottles of vodka, and some blue curacao (because we are damn classy). We brazenly added some fruit juice and topped it with some pieces of sliced fruit for good measure. It was un-inspiringly referred to as “jungle juice”. Interesting fact of the day: blue curacao turns your bowel movements green! I can’t say that I have ever done anything overtly ridiculous while intoxicated, at least not from a humorous stand-point. Jumped into the ocean on the Maryland shore in mid-March once...hilarious! Most nights I fix myself a nice glass of luke-warm water with a spritz of lemon and call it a “Mark Turgeon”. Its bland and no-fun, but it’s safe! Eventually though, I get bored and fix myself a pitcher full of 50/50 Schlitz and Peppermint Schnapps, it horrible, makes me sweat profusely and instills me with the fiery rage of a thousand suns. I call this the “Fran McCaffery”.

WSR: So there was once a concoction that I consumed that had 151, Everclear, and a few other fruity liquors in it that was...yeah. Mistakes were made, but it was a bachelor party in the middle of nowhere in central Minnesota so nothing or no one of any significance was harmed. Yes, I have been so adversely affected by alcohol that I thought I might go sledding in June, and all I will admit to was trying to get a piggyback ride from a friend who is well over a foot shorter than me. For reasons I have yet to understand, she declined. And let’s be honest: I would never come up for a name for some new, insane alcoholic drink myself. I’d ask some of my funnier, smarter friends to do it for me and come up with some little tweak that could help along the way.

MNW: Oh good, excessive consumption of dangerous mixtures of alcohol! I see you have chosen my Mastermind specialist subject.

1. The standard mixture that we went with in undergrad was a concoction (for band parties, because I cannot overemphasize How Cool I Was) known as Wildcat Spritzer. A stolen Gatorade cooler, some purple Kool-Aid mix, a few handles of cheap rum and vodka, some 2-liters of lemon-lime-type pop, and Everclear. Lots of Everclear. There was something untoward with a drumstick, too, but I blacked out.
2. I believe I’ve told my “sledding in June” story before, but it involved a late return from the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas postponing our New Year’s Eve party until New Year’s Day, whereupon we got some (like 120 bottles of) discounted Ukranian champagne because one of our roommates spoke Russian, unbeknownst to the managers of Liquor Barn in Niles, and could hear their negotiating what they could sell us. Cue “$10 at the door gets you a bottle of champagne,” cue band kids getting too fucked up, cue 13 straight games of champagne pong at half a bottle a game and a partner who (wisely) stopped drinking. I locked myself in my bedroom (the coat room), naked only from the waist down, and woke up to find my roommates had broken into my room to rescue the coats, my girlfriend had left 5 messages telling me to never call her again, and people had thrown up in our shower, toilet, utility sink, porch, and washing machine.
3. Or when I passed out in a hotel bathroom at the Gator Bowl. No idea what happened there.
4. My favorite go-to dessert liqueur is a Diego O’Malley, consisting of Kahlua and Bailey’s in a rocks glass. But if I were to whip up something fancy, I’d enjoy the Maximilian: French absinthe mixed with Kahlua. Then you take a shot of Juarez Tequila and violently expel it all.

Stew: Jungle juice recipes! Get 2 1.75 of the cheapest bottle of all the clear liquors you can find, Hawkeye vodka, Everclear, Paramount Rum, triplesec, etc, and a bottle or two of fruit flavored UV Vodka (if you’ve got a little extra to spend). Pour in rubber tub. Add in various juice concentrates and powdered lemonade mix (lemonade, limeade, orange juice, grape juice, fruit punch, apple juice). If it’s too strong (lol), thin it with some cheap fruit punch (not water). Add in sliced fruits, but make sure it won’t turn to mush. It will be incredibly strong, 1 cup will probably knock you out, but it’ll be so sweet and flavored, that people will be 3 cups deep before anyone notices how strong it is.

BRT: I’m a terrible person to answer this, as I’ve never been a “drink to excess” kind of person. It is, for starters, much more dangerous to do as a woman. I also hate headaches and barfing, so it’s never been that appealing to me. That said, though not bonkers, I had a sangria at Sebastian’s Table in Lincoln a few weeks ago that was to DIE for. If there was a pitcher of that near me, I’d drink the whole thing myself, no sweat.

If I were inventing a cocktail, I’m not sure what I’d put in it, but it would sound cooler than it is in reality and I would call it a Sex on the Beach.

Football

Purdue has a football schedule. They play in the West, which is not the East, which is an NFL division, so that means it’s an easy schedule. #ote’d. That silliness aside, it’s not a terrible schedule, though their favorite whipping boy Ohio State does not make an appearance this year.

The good news is that Purdue’s crossovers from the East are not particularly punishing. The bad news is that most of the trickier West division games are on the road. So how do you think Purdue will do with this? Can they improve from 2018’s 6-7 mark?

WSR: Depends on if they can win their bowl game or not. 6-6, 4-5 B1G. But they’ll make up for pissing themselves against wisconsin last season. So...yay? I am looking forward to that TCU matchup, as it should be one of the better non-conf games this fall, but Vandy and Nevada could be fun too. I love that schedule as someone who doesn’t have to watch their team navigate it.

MNW: What a random-number generator of a non-conference schedule! Did you know that the Nevada Wolf Pack won a bowl game last year? ME NEITHER! While they’re replacing Ty Gangi at QB, I don’t know that I’m looking past that weird Friday night start if I’m a Purdue fan. But honest to goodness, I could see anything from the Boilers pulling a Northwestern to them going 3-0 and then collapsing under the magnifying glass of conference play. (Also, I wanted to look at that crossover and say “Wow, what a gift,” then remember Purdue is guaranteed a crossover against trash-ass Indiana every year. Bullshit.)

But...then...Minnesota and Maryland at home? Illinois at home? Shit, the Boilers could hit bowl eligibility before November, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least.

Ultimately, though, my questions about (1) Elijah Sindelar, and (2) all other non-Rondale Moore players on offense have me wondering if we won’t see Purdue “figured out” by the time it’s 38 and raining at Ryan Field in November. If you’ve got the athletes to contain Purdue (which I suspect the TCU Horned Frogs will), you can make them win games with their defense. And about that, I have my doubts. Give me 7-5 (5-4).

BrianBee2: Purdue, ultimately, is going to win the games in which they score more football points than their opponent. If I were to guess the amount of instances in which I think this is going to occur, I would put that number at 6 or 7. I feel like there are only two automatic losses on this schedule (PSU and Wiscy) so, who knows, it could be Purdue’s coming out party! Looking at this schedule makes me so very envious. Can Purdue and Maryland trade spots, the East is fun y’all!

Stew: I see 2-1, and 4-5, no idea who they beat in the mess of the West, though. Another year, another bowl. I think 2020 is the season they’re really building towards.

BRT: I too agree with the 6-6 consensus. In conference play, I’ll give them Minny, Maryland, Illinois, and Indiana. However, they could really beat any of the west teams and it wouldn’t be shocking--but they won’t beat all of them, so I’m guessing a 4-5 conference record is about right at the end of the day, no matter the combination of teams.

Be sure to tell us how you think Purdue will do this year, but more importantly, be sure to tell us funny alcohol stories and ideas for drink names in the comments!