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B1G 2019 // Purdue is Actually Still Mediocre

Greg Flint | For CNHI Sports Indiana

So I know what you guys must be thinking. Why is the Rutgers writer writing the Purdue piece? Surely Rutgers has no reason to hate Purdue. After all, in the sport that actually matters to the Big Ten, Rutgers sits at a nice and happy 1-0 vs. Purdue, a Homecoming win. There’s no legitimate cause for hate between the two, right? WRONG

You see, I have a topical beef with Purdue. And seeing as how this B1G 2019 series has shown Friday Hate to be (while always welcome), a little stale, a quarrel with Purdue which coincidentally started in Purdue Week with me, a Rutgers fan, is just the kind of fresh content this site needs.

It all started with a Tweet of a Purdue fan asking if Rutgers fans exist.

I found out after that this particular Purdue fan was allegedly not trying to be flippant, but was “genuine” in asking if Rutgers had fans with regards to finding accounts to follow. However, it was all the other Purdue fans that came out of their holes trying to flex, as PURDUE fans, over RUTGERS. Sweet lord. But still, the opportunity was presented to me in this week to stoke the flames a bit leading up to this hate piece.

Now I could go for some basic, boring, easy targets in trying to “hate” on Purdue. The sound of the word, “Pur-doo,” and its connotations to the poultry industry, an evil pharmaceutical corporation, a center who backed up Bill Cartwright, or a unit of measurement are just... well I was going to write about those, hence a poll I put up (several times) on Twitter, which I was actively trying to set up as a prop for this article, but eh.

It all just seemed so boring and unoriginal when I finally got down to writing. I realized that there truly was no better way to hate on Purdue in the B1G 2019 series for football than to actually dump on the football team itself.

And Boilermakers please keep in mind, this is a preview leading up to the football season. Your "wE gOoD aT bAsKeTbALL" takes have no power here.

So moving on. Purdue. Ever since last season, you think because you beat Ohio State that you're Ohio State. That's not how it works. You're just, as my lovely colleague (Creighton) put it, "Illinois Heavy." You're certainly no big shot team and your fans definitely have no business trying to stand tall over Rutgers of all teams, especially after coming out of a season with a loss to Eastern Michigan in the same painful fashion. Jeff Brohm is 13-13 at Purdue and you think he’s Urban Meyer because he lucked in to Rondale Moore.

And again, you guys thinking you’re hot after the last game of football your team played was /checks notes/

A royal boiler beating by Auburn. 13-63. Yeah sorry, the rule is that teams that get severely blown out by other teams don’t get to parade around as not mediocre or respectable. That margin of loss by the way, 50 points, is larger than any of Rutgers’ losses last year, just as a comparative FYI. Yeah yeah, Rutgers is still bad, but that’s not the point. The POINT is that Purdue is a mediocre team. You’re not in the Big Ten tier that you think you are, in fact you’re barely a step above the lowest teams in the conference so much so that when I made this sign for College Gameday just two years ago it was fun because BOTH TEAMS SUCKED. And who won that game by the way?

Also I asked around what a particular “Achilles heel” of Purdue is and one of the closest I found was this below. So let’s relive this moment shall we?

My goodness do the comments on this video sum up Purdue football in the nicest and still relevant way.

“The play Purdue stopped being relevant.” Even approaching the 2019 football season, these comments aren’t outdated.


So yeah. That’s some Purdue hate. But I’m not finished yet. In the spirit of superior things vs. mediocre things that Purdue thinks it is after their 2018 season, but are actually the mediocre thing:

Purdue thinks they're mashed potatoes when they're actually a baked potato.

Purdue thinks they're a Nintendo Switch when they're actually a Wii U.

Purdue thinks they're Wendy's when they're actually Jack in the Box.

Purdue thinks they're deli mustard when they're actually yellow mustard.

Purdue thinks they’re Godzilla when they’re actually Minilla.

Purdue thinks they're 2000 Britney Spears when they're actually 2007 Britney Spears.

Purdue thinks they're Carmine's when they're actually Olive Garden.

Purdue thinks they’re Caddyshack when they’re Caddyschack 2.

Purdue thinks they’re Legos when they’re Mega Blocks.

Purdue thinks they’re Single Malt Scotch when they’re actually PBR.

Purdue thinks they’re BMW when they’re actually Oldsmobile.

Purdue thinks they’re PC when they’re actually Playstation.

Purdue thinks they're Heinz ketchup when they're actually Hunt's.

Purdue thinks they’re hardwood flooring when they’re actually laminate.

Purdue thinks they’re a golden retriever when they’re actually a goldfish.

Purdue thinks they’re Photoshop when they’re actually Paint.

Purdue thinks they’re the Patriots when they’re actually the Browns.

Purdue thinks they’re Disney World when they’re actually Dorney Park.

Purdue thinks they’re Harry Potter when they’re actually Dudley Dursley.

Purdue thinks they’re Daenerys Targaryen when they’re actually Robin Arryn.

Purdue thinks they’re Jaws when they’re actually Jaws: The Revenge.

Purdue thinks they’re the fire drill episode of The Office when they’re actually the Scott’s Tots episode of The Office.

Purdue thinks they’re Mewtwo when they’re actually Psyduck.

Purdue thinks they’re 800 thread count when they’re actually 200.

Purdue thinks they’re Helvetica when they’re actually Comic Sans.

What other superior vs. mediocre things do you have in mind that Purdue can be compared to? Let us know in the comments below.