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Let’s have a little chat, wisconsin.

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I think we need to go over a few things, friends.

Paul Chryst getting lessons on how to properly cover shit up from a legend.
Photo by Lawrence Iles/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Good morning, wisconsin. I didn’t see you there in the gutter, but I probably should have known it was you from the smell of vomit and shame and, you know, it being your natural environment. But I’m glad I ran into you today, because we should probably have a little chat.

So I know it’s been pretty rough on you since you lost the one thing, outside of that outstanding ability to fit a homophobic remark into any sentence or fragment on gameday in madison, that you’re better than Minnesota in. That streak meant everything to you and now it’s all gone. I’d like to tell you that you could just start a new one, but I’m not going to lie to you like that. When you get your ass kicked up and down the field like you did by a younger team that’s recruiting on a higher level than ever while you...well, you’re just chugging along at the same clip with some fancy outliers. Don’t worry, I’m sure someone will teach you about outliers when someone moves into the state. And by the way, bravo on getting one of your best-ever recruits in in Logan Brown at a position you claim you don’t need help. I’m sure those words you’re trying to wheeze out right now are “Graham Mertz” and I hear you. But you do realize that the last QB that Paul Chryst developed was Derek Anderson. Ahhh, Paul Chryst. Everyone’s 2nd favorite failson that’s been through madison. That magnificent 19-19 at Pitt may not feel important to you, but the rest of us are paying attention to see what he can do now that he doesn’t have the blockbuster recruiting classes of Gary Andersen. You’re going to get passed by everyone in the division with the exception of Illinois. They’re just focusing on recruiting enough bodies to continue being a football team, so you shouldn’t need to worry about them catching you for another couple coaches.

So I’d like to know what you’re going to do when you miss a bowl game this fall? I can certainly offer some advice thanks to many many MANY wasted falls due to incompetent coaching like what you’ve got now, but I think it’d be better for the healing if you went ahead and found things on your own. I just wouldn’t advise watching basketball. Congratulations on having another Greek Freak go through the program, but if you can’t keep the top talent from wisconsin in wisconsin (or maybe your public schools are improving if more people are leaving as soon as they’re legally able, but I digress...) well, your women’s hockey team is outstanding. Have you thought about checking them out? Maybe see if there are any libraries left open after what Scott Walker did to your state and pick up a book? The opportunities to improve yourself are endless, badger fan! And not just because you don’t really have any qualities to begin with, but that certainly doesn’t hurt.

At the end of the day, here’s the deal: prior to 1993 wisconsin was relevant for 3 seasons since the end of World War I. 75 years of being the program you are, with 10 very good seasons in the past 25 that don’t belong with your history. I don’t want to alarm you, but since it looks like you’re working on regressing to the mean (Again, statistics. Someone someday will explain this to you.) I would like you to start taking care of yourself so you can see the next time the badgers are important. Stop drinking all the time. It’s not even that impressive, it’s just that most people have the common sense to know when to stop. And get up and go for a couple mile run around the house. If last year was any indication, you’re going to need to have your heart last a long time before you matter again in college football. And you deserve to make it though every second between now and then.