Why do we hate the team from Pennsylvania?
It’s a question we have a lot of answers for but it’s one we rarely ask.
Speaking as a proud member of the Rutgers faithful, we don’t really hate any teams like we do PSU. We enjoy our budding rivalry with Maryland. We have some old scar tissue with Syracuse and Pitt and a sad, alcoholic, resentment-filled “it’s complicated’ with UCONN, but we don’t really hate them.
We HATE Penn State. I mean, hate that you reserve for people who walk three abroad on the sidewalk looking at their phones hate.
Hate that you reserve for can I speak to your manager with an expired coupon hate.
Hate that you reserve for robocall programmers hate.
This is a flagship state university that is the most hated college football team in its own heckin state.
This is a football program so full of douchery that goddamn Maryland refused to shake hands with them. MARYLAND, the only Big Ten school in the Bless Your Heart hive of scum and villainy south.
This is a football program so reviled that people from every corner of the world were calling for its death penalty in this decade.
Okay, so we know we hate the team from Pennsylvania. But why do we hate them more than a mosquito that somehow got in your dang car like an hour ago and you’re just realizing it now?
We hate Penn State because of its insufferable fans.
Those who chant We Are. Those who put their perennially overrated football program on a pedestal, no matter the cost or negative impact. Those who have so much to be ashamed of, but who who can’t muster an ounce of shame in their happy valley hearts.
These are people who play 20 consecutive Kenny Chesney songs on the jukebox. These are people who play loud ass video ads on your sportsball websites. These are the people who hard lock on DPS when you really need a tank. These are the people who post conspiracy theories from truth.insidertruth.inspiracytheory.com to college football “writing” websites.
These “people” are why we hate Penn State.
But I’m a Penn State Fan
Now, some of you reading this screed may in fact be thinking “But...I am a Penn State fan just like my father-cousin before me and his father-uncle before him and his father-aunt before him.”
I want you to take a second, close the step-sister-themed filmography you’re watching, and pay attention: You are an asshole.
You are the reason why people don’t like your team. You are the reason why people don’t like your otherwise above-average school. Hell, you are probably the reason your parents got divorced.
Now read this part to make sure you understand it: get fucked and feel bad about yourself.
You might also be thinking “Well, there certainly are some bad PSU fans, like my common law step-cousin-aunt Gerta Cow Tipperson, but I’m not so bad.”
Actually, sir we are specifically talking about you. You flat-earth loving, light beer-drinking, “We Are”-shouting, knuckle dragging, cow-lovers are the goddamn problem. Don’t think that I’m talking about your cousin who blew off his hand lighting homemade fireworks. I’m talking about you.
You are the problem with college football. You are the reason Northwestern fans won’t go to games. You are the reason why concussions happen.
I reiterate; get fucked and feel bad about yourself.
I hope you take this personally.
Let the Hate Flow
These people deserve our hate. They deserve every mean tweet, every revolting Reddit post, every slam for being the most arrogant, self-righteous, hypocritical insufferables in all of sports. They deserve it. They deserve more of it.
So go give it to them.
When you see them in person, tell them exactly how you feel about their life choices and sports affiliations. When you see them online, don’t let them forget who they are. When you see an article praising their .500 season as “the right way to rebuild” call it out for the cow-pie encrusted crap that it is.
If I inspire just one single person to reach out to a friend who loves PSU and tell them their breath smells like a colostomy bag, then I will have done something good here.
In closing, get fucked Penn State.