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WSR takes a look at the Coaches Poll and tries to not piss himself laughing.

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Pictured: Christian Wilkins, Trophy, and some schlubs.
Photo by Nhat V. Meyer/MediaNews Group/The Mercury News via Getty Images

Great news everyone! The calendar flipped to August and we’re now in the same month as college football games! Another sign that we’re approaching the season with terrifying pace is the release of the Coaches Poll. AND HERE IT IS! In what should be a surprise to no one, defending National Champion Clemson is #1 followed by Alabama, Georgia, and Oklahoma. Those 4 teams were great last year, and outside of a few small questions should be outstanding once again this fall. And then at #5 we have...Ohio State? While the Buckeyes are talented, they’re breaking in a new coach and a new QB and that just feels a little high to me.

Coming in right behind them at #7 is Michigan, which...OK. They’ve got Shea Patterson and some other pieces on a revamped offense coming back. And blah blah Don Brown defense. Fine. I’d have them in the 10-15 range to start, but whatever.

Up next from the B1G is Penn State at #14 is Penn State. And you know what? I have no probem with this ranking at all.

Let’s see...after that is....wisconsin? At #17? Or receiving votes at all?! Are you fucking kidding me? This has got to be some sort of joke, right? The team that went 7-5 last year and lost a number of their best players defensively and along the OL and their trash coach has no idea who his QB is going to be? Stop letting drunk-ass Pat Dye vote in the poll, coaches. He hasn’t coached since 1992.

After that incredible joke we’ve got Iowa at #19. That’s fine. They’ll be boring and consistent and play good defense. Somewhere towards the bottom is OK and reasonable.

Then we’ve got...Sparty. #20 Michigan State. Go home, coaches. You’re drunk. I get that you need to be to watch the Michigan State offense, but that’s not funny at all. This is almost as bad as wisconsin being ranked, but they deserve votes because they have a RB.

And coming in at #25 is the defending West champions Northwestern. This is fine, because they weren’t really that good of a team last year, they won’t be that good of a team this year, and they’ll probably finish around 8-4.

What does that mean? Other than the fact that Barry’s paying for votes like the Tammany Hall clown he is, there is one glaring omission from the poll. Coming in at #26 is THE GREATEST TEAM TO EVER GRACE THE EARTH in SCOTT BY GOD FROST’S 2019 HUSKERS! I have no idea why the coaches would be this disrespectful to the greatest man to ever walk amongst us, but they have and it’s reprehensible. Minnesota also received one vote, but nobody gives a rat’s ass about them right now. Purdue received 0, which is also a crime but they’re not winning the Super Bowl and the NCAA Championship in FBS, FCS, D2, and D3 this year like Nebraska so it’s not that important either.