Fruit of the Poisonous Tree: Getting Violently Ill and/or Beating the Buckeyes

OK, I’ll be honest: I hate Ohio State Week.

I gave up sometime last night. I’m not sure when it was, but I was trying to write up our defense potluck preview, and I realized: I just don’t care.

I don’t! I can’t! I am not compensated to be a Real Ohio State Buckeyes Journalist, or to give you the hottest takes on a 4-2-5 versus the hybrid Bullet position versus breaking down which Buckeye defender will pick off Hunter Johnson or Shea Patterson or Brian Lewerke 15 times this fall. It’s not fun! I don’t enjoy it! Go read 11 Warriors or Land Grant Holy Land for that.

Luckily, the OTE writers came to my aid and cobbled together their own Ohio State potluck questions:

Question #1: In which we eat Buckeyes

Buckeyes are nuts that can be poisonous to humans. What’s your worst food poisoning story?
—MC ClapYoHandz

Jesse Collins: Not me, but my wife was craving potato chips once, but all she could find was some old panera chips. She ate like half the bag, when all of a sudden she felt one was fuzzy. Turns out the entire bag had started molding and she was sick for a few days. Moral of the story: Don’t eat moldy potato chips.

baboreally: Got stuck in a Burger King drive thru. At some point noticed there was only one person working for the entire store. Waited over fifteen minutes for a chicken parmesan sandwich. Guy gave it to me for free for waiting so long. Ate it and got food poisoning.

WhiteSpeedReceiver: I don’t think I’ve ever actually had food poisoning, which has got to be a miracle considering my consumption habits between birth and age 35.

Undercooked meat (pork, chicken and seafood included)? No problem. Food that’s been left out far safer than it should have been (PIZZA!) Yeah, that just means I won’t have to fight other people for it. The dumb luck I’ve had here is almost unreal, and I’m sure I’ll pay for it at some point in life.

Creighton: I was working at a summer camp and on the second to last day a few of the kids in my cabin got pretty sick and had to spend the night in the infirmary. When I woke up the next morning (the last day) I had a headache and was so lethargic I couldn’t get out of bed. My girlfriend and I got in my car to drive home, but before we could go anywhere I jumped out of the car and violently puked up every last bit of food in my digestive system. My girlfriend ended up having to get a crash course in driving a stick shift while I laid down in the back seat.

Possibly related: I had to replace the clutch less than a year later.

I never went to a doctor, but I’m pretty sure it was norovirus.

LincolnParkWildcat: My old roommate went to the Taste of Chicago a few years ago and he got a plate of Persian food, I think a hummus plate? He gets a sick a few days later, then goes to the doctor, and tells him what happens. The doctor tells him to go the Cook County Department of Health, who determines that he ate a batch of poisoned food. He went to the restaurant and presented the hospital bill, demanding the restaurant pay it, and the restaurant owner told him to fuck off and sue him

I think there was a class-action lawsuit, and the restaurant’s insurance paid for it.

Ray Ransom: Once I said “We Are Penn HORGLBBRRRRLEEEEERG” and couldn’t stop barfing for 48 hours.

Question #2: In which we beat Buckeyes

Favorite memory of Your Team beating OSU... If applicable
—MC ClapYoHandz

Boilerman31: I don’t have a favorite. They’re all so beautiful in my mind.

LPW: I really enjoyed 2004. I was there. A few years later my boss at the time and I were talking about that game and he said to me with rage in his eyes: “yeah, I came up to Evanston and I sat through a horrible football game. This never should’ve happened.”

DJ Carver: 52-51 :(

Jesse: Remember that time Nebraska came back against Joe Bauserman because he is terrible? I liked that game.

MNW: I was born in 1990. I was raised Gopher, beginning my Purple fandom in 2008 before matriculating in 2009.

On October 14, 2000, the same Minnesota Golden Gophers team that I had watched lose to the Ohio University Bobcats in the Metrodome then went on the road to Ohio Stadium and, behind three Dan Nystrom field goals and a couple Travis Cole TD passes, beat then-#6 Ohio State.

That’s it. That’s all I fucking have. Something that happened a week and a half after my 10th birthday that I don’t even remember.

Fuck off. Kain Colter got the first down.

Candystripes for Breakfast: