THE Only S*y Universe

"The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril" – any B1G Fan upon visiting Columbus for a mid-autumn’s contest

Is there any question regarding THE entity that encompasses the entirety of the State known as "Ohio"?

Ohio: THE place so shitty, it is the birthplace of the most Astronauts in US history, which begs question –


Ohio: THE mediocre mid-western state of farm fields and… what?

Ohio: THE asshole of the US, prominently featuring a second, interior asshole within itself (and coincidentally located almost in the center)

Ohio: THE place with 6 professional teams in the Big Four (Plus 2 MLS, and various Top-Level minor-league teams), but ZERO meaningful success when compared to THE Power 5 school in the state (per the eyes of any resident of the state [if they haven’t left for Mars yet… a NEW place of red to flock to])


Ohio: THE marginally better state than Florida and Delaware. And that’s it

"Thou art unfit for any place but hell."
Everyone has their allegiance, admiration, and aspirations for their school and/or team, but, honestly, look inward amongst yourselves. Is there really ANYTHING remotely good about it all? (oh, look! Someone in Columbus has given you a head start)

"Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon"
It has come time to stop and realize: your source of meaning in life is shit. Wins and accolades are great, but at what point does it become worth standing in shit? And not just some occasional turd stomping a la Billy Maddison

I’m talking about full-on, chest-high, fatberg busting, sewer dwelling, rodent infested, septic turd pool levels of shit.

"Thy sin’s not accidental, but a trade."
When facing the game of life, your position of station affords you no benefits. Your defense and defiance of your position is one nobody asked for, or desired to be subjected to.

In conclusion:
May the clay-brained nut-hooks ever enjoy their spoils of rotten fruits, for THE are as a candle, the better burnt out.

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