B1G MAILBAG WEEK 1!

Welcome back to the weekly mailbag! I don’t know about anyone else, but I personally relish the opportunity to get some questions I don’t normally think about and then come up with the most obsurd outcome possible. Sadly, most of these questions didn’t give me the opportunity to do that or dump on wisconsin, but I’ll find a way to survive and change my best for next week. In the meantime, please enjoy our thought process and feel free to ask more questions when I ask for them on Sunday. But just so everyone knows, this fulfills our quota of “SO WHO’S GETTING FIRED?” questions until October. Thank you for reading, and good luck to 13 of the 14 fanbases as we kickoff the season this weekend.

Does any coach in the B1G get fired this year? Nationally who is the first coach fired during the season and why will it be Clay Helton? - badgers & Bruins

WSR - Ash gets fired, Lovie “Retires.” And the only way Clay Helton isn’t the 1st coach fired this fall is if somebody else does something extremely stupid, like commits assault or pressures the team doctor to clear players before they’re ready.

Beez: Phew, always nice to ease into the season with a layup. Ash is gone middle of the year (if Rutgers loses to Liberty) and end of the year otherwise. Nationally I have no idea. When’s the last time Tennessee hired a new coach?

Candystripes: The answer is yes, and I’m setting the over under on “how many” at 2.5. The only way Clay’s going first is if Ash has a better than expected first half of the season.

Boilerman: I haven’t checked to see if there are “first coach fired” props out yet althought I’m sure Lovie and Ash would be near the top of the list.

MNW: Chris Ash, yadda yadda.

My dark horse for “coaches to be fired midseason” are Willie Taggart at Florida State and Kevin Sumlin at Arizona. I’d put it at a decent chance that Free Shoes has 5 losses headed into November (Boise, UVA, Clemson, ‘Cuse, one of NCSU/Wake), and that’s not gonna sit too great with the Florida State faithful. (Feel free to set #FSUtwitter on me.)

Sumlin, similarly, has a relatively small contract (just $14.5MM over 5 years?) and not a bad buyout from what I can see. The Wildcats have not been particularly good, and Khalil Tate is being wasted by a porous defense.

Jesse: Are we sure Chris Ash and Clay Helton actually weren’t fired last year? Like, they were both totally retained to keep coaching at the schools they were awful at? Interesting. See, if that can happen, why the hell do we assume either of them are getting fired (Helton is getting fired by week six).

GOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING OTE!!! It’s finally game week, that also means school’s back in session (or near to start). Time for your weekly blue book questions.

1) Aside from a big-name marquee match-up, what type of Non-Con game do you look forward to seeing for your team in the early season line-ups?

2) Is your tailgate style different in early/start of season, compared to late/end of season? (Excluding wearing of layers, change of clothing choices. Focusing on the activities, food, and drink here).

Bonus Question: Who in the B1G is most likely to get boatraced this week, and who is most likely to be racing their own boat? - Lions_Tigers_Wings_Oh_MI

WSR: 1) The cupcake. As a Gopher fan I’ve watched my team lose far too many games (read: ANY OF THEM) to teams that should be spectacularly overmatched, and I truly appreciate the fact that Fleck seems to treat these opponents like the disposable item that they are. It’s such a wonderful change of pace. 2) Nope. Stand around at the Mississippi River Flats talking football with JDMill and some other friends, drink Grain Belt, eat, and then hike the many many many miles to the stadium. The only thing that changes between Thursday and the wisconsin game right after Thanksgiving is that there will be many many many more layers of clothing. Bonus) Let’s keep an eye on that Nebraska-South Alabama game. I get the impression that Frosty will want to put up some style points against a truly dreadful opponent. Get ready for that hype train to be fully disgusting B1G fans! And I really don’t think anyone will get boatraced, I think Northwestern (a real opponent), wisconsin (a real coach), and Purdue (an insane QB) need to watch their asses for different reasons.

Beez: (1) Wisconsin hosts Appalachian State next year, which is exactly the type of non-con game I look forward to seeing (i.e., favorite team against 2nd favorite team). Otherwise I’m pretty okay with whatever, so long as it’s at somebody’s home stadium and not a neutral site. I’m fine with never watching another BYU game in my life though. (2) I haven’t multi-game tailgated in years, but earlier in the year we’re more likely to do something impressive (oyster roast, korean pork tacos) than later in the year (brats and hotdogs and cans of something mediocre). (Bonus) Northwestern is most likely to get boatraced. Playing a goodish team, have to contend with bodyclock whininess/issues, have to contend with actually being a middle 20% team nationally. Maryland is going to boatrace Howard into oblivion, and they should be embarrassed they’re playing that game.

Candystripes: 1) Something that is an unfortunate rarity for us, a game where you can reasonably expect to put in the full second string a couple minutes after halftime and not have to worry about it. I love having competitive games against the Missouris and the Louisvilles of the world, it’s when we have competitive games against the Navys, Ball States, and Bowling Greens that I get concerned.

2) I’m actually not big on tailgating period, but that’s because I watch most of the games from the comfort of home, so I’m not really the demographic for this question.

Bonus) Nebraska and Maryland will go off to the races, and the state of Illinois might want to prepare the lifejackets. Also, don’t sleep on Nevada against Purdue, because that team put up some serious points on not-so-serious competition last year.

BrianB2: 1) Howard, because it may just be the only game we win this year. Hooray.

2) When I attended Maryland, I would say the drinking increased as the season progressed, and no not because the team was a complete disaster, we actually had some OKAY years when I was a student there. I think it was one, a way to combat the colder temperatures, and two, we actually won enough games sometimes back in those days to get NON-NOON games later in the season. Insane to think about I know. Now-a-days I basically only go in September and October if the weather cooperates and they are playing a team that won’t beat them by 8 touchdowns in which I have to pay too much to sit in a sea of opposing fans (so like two-three games a year). Since all games tend to be at noon, we pretty much have had the same routine the past four or five years.

Boilerman: What’s this ‘Good Morning’ bullcrap?

1. If you don’t love some good B1G-on-MACtion, check your pulse.
2. My tailgate experience remains pretty consistent throughout. I’m lucky to have a good group of people who have been doing this for longer than I’ve been associated with Purdue.

MNW: B1G-MACtion is an excellent answer, but it’s a little stomach-churning when you watch your team...y’know, actually lose to the MACrifices. It’s a tough row to hoe here, to be honest, because if I’m not watching a marquee opponent, I’d rather just be in conference play. Give me a road game somewhere exotic, then, like Hawaii or FIU or Tulane, since NU doesn’t have anyone on campus until mid-September.

We remain consistent throughout: Drink heavily, since you’re about to watch Northwestern Wildcats football. Some people will bring coffee or something later in the year, and maybe we’ll add a hearty chili or something, but we’re still young enough that we don’t do a huge food spread before the game and focus more on putting as much Hamm’s, Malort, and the shot du jour in our bodies as possible.

Boatraces: Gimme Michigan to boatrace the poor Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders (Jimmy loves scoring him some non-existent points against hapless non-conners and also Rutgers), and let’s put Purdue on boatrace alert. Something about a frisky Nevada offense under the mountain lights.

Jesse: As of late, I do enjoy this idea of playing all the teams we used to for non-con matchups. Colorado? SURE WHY NOT WHAT COULD GO WRONG! Oklahoma? Same thing. Hell, we even did the whole Miami thing. While it’s fun to see Nebraska beat the hell out of South Alabama, I must be honest that I much prefer something entertaining, if not rage inducing at times. Also, not unlike Beez, I wouldn’t mind Nebraska never playing BYU…

I don’t tailgate because (a) I rarely did in the first place, and (b) kids man… kids.

Since we are here, who do you got for your 2019 September Heisman award and your 2019 September National Champion award? - KetteringLex

WSR: Adrian Martinez will start writing his speech after this weekend, but he’ll fall back to earth a bit because of his team finishing around .500. You can be as amazing as he is and put up insane numbers, but it won’t mean a damn thing when your defense can’t even stop Iowa. Yes, that means I think they’re the September National Champ too (even if Colorado will be a bit of a canary in the coal mine when the exceptional Leviska Shenault goes wild).

Beez: Nebraska is the September National Champion. Anthony McFarland wins September Heisman.

BrianB2: Is there really that much hype surrounding Anthony McFarland? Anyway, the answer to September National Champion is, and always will be, Notre Dame. Tua or Trevor is my September Heisman, but I guess they actually could win the Heisman, so perhaps I am missing the point.

MNW: The answer is Shea Patterson, you guys. Come on. He’ll put up video game numbers against Middle Tennessee, and then if/when Michigan scuffles briefly with Army, Patterson will lead some sort of drive giving him The NarrativeTM of being A Leader of MenTM and whatnot.

In a similar vein, I can see the Michigan Wolverines getting that hype for beating a fringe-Top 25 Army Black Knights squad. But Nebraska is indeed a compelling choice.

Jesse: Man, the Quadrangle getting cranky early. I’m with MNW. It’s Shea Patterson and Michigan as always. Nebraska is getting far too much national hype - noting, of course, that this is not coming from the Nebraska contingent here and you all need to remember that. But, even so… The ‘this is the year’ noise around Michigan AND SHEA EFFING PATTERSON is kind of weird. That and the whole Justin Fields is amazing despite us not really having a clue, right

What’s the best cat gif? - HoustonBoiler

WSR: They’re all good cat gifs, Brant.

Beez: The best cat gif is actually a cat video and it’s this Cat Party video I bequeathed to the OTE masses last year:

Candystripes:

BrianB2: The only good cat gif, is a dog gif.

Boilerman: I’m allergic to cats. Give me a good dog gif and I’m happy.

MNW: God, beez, “Cat Party” is so damn good. Wife hates it when I do the dance with the cat, though. Also, fun fact: One of the duo in Koo Koo Kangaroo (the one who writes for Canis Hoopus, actually!) is the older brother of a guy who was drum captain (I think?) in NUMB and who also did a “performance piece” at our fraternity’s open concert night where he just beat the shit out of a concrete block with a hammer.

Also, the correct answer: http://www.gifbin.com/988073.gifv

(MNW provided a gif that the system didn’t want to embed, because of course he did.)

Jesse: This is the best cat gif

Who else in the top ten or fifteen will be exposed for the clownfraudtrasch they really are? - 87Townie

WSR: So should we talk about Texas A&M or Oregon? At least the Ducks play in the Pac 12 instead of the SEC West, I guess. The only thing keeping Auburn from being in this conversation is that they’re #16 and just out of the reach of this discussion.

Beez: “Who else”? Who have we already nominated? This is actually hard, unless you do the obvious and pick Notre Dame or Texas. I think Penn State is not top 15 but I wouldn’t say clownfraudtrasch. I’m going with Notre Dame, and I think they might stick in the clownfraudtrasch most of the year, despite likely murderdeathkills at the hands of Georgia and Michigan.

BrianB2: I don’t know if I quite trust rambling Coach O to keep LSU at the number 6 spot or take them higher, especially with their schedule, but I obviously do not think they are going to be “clown fraud trash”. I’ll allow my east coast/Pac-12 basketball biases to shine through and say either Utah or Washington ends the season unranked. Oh, and Penn State sucks, or something.

MNW: Florida showed us Week-freaking-Zero why they’re not a Top 10 team.

Jesse: Going against the grain here and saying Washington. They’re a QB injury away from a sneaky tough schedule and major regression from 2018.

Also, Florida is the correct answer.