Introducing Your Rutgwestern Wildcats!

it's a helluva picture that's for sure - Noah K. Murray-USA TODAY Sports

Before getting to today's topic, I need to get this out in the open:

What the f* is wrong with you people?! I come here for Friday Haet. You have one job – ONE – and you can’t even do that right. Big Ten academics, my a*

I can’t even with you people right now. Get your sh* together and figure this the f* out by next week!

In the meantime, this is all I could throw together between the time you people missed deadline and the rest of us came looking for entertainment. If you’re disappointed, please contact

[OTE editor, please insert names, phone numbers, and PII for "writers"]

[ed. note: contact beez at 1-888-lil-swlw]

Let’s just move on.

/clears throat

Ahem, Ladies and Gentlemen, I posit and present evidence to support that Northwestern and Rutgers share enough DNA that Northwestern is not "NU", "the real NU", or even "jNW", it’s really "Rutgwestern!"

Both are a short train ride from the city, although residents of said city are fairly meh (at best) to claiming them.

The "Glory Years" (scratch that – lower case "glory years") stretch for over a century, decades, a decade, a 5-year stretch and now occasional December/January trips to Detroit/New York/Nashville. Millennials are more likely to remember Rutgers’ 2012 shared Big East title than Rutgwestern’s last title in 2000 (also shared).

Rutgwestern, you have two – TWO – outright B1G championships in 115 years of playing Big Ten football, the last coming the year your incoming freshman class was born. Sadly, IU fans, that’s double your total. For comparison, UChicago has six outright titles. And they stopped trying in 1946! Contrary to common understanding, 1946 was not the year Illinois stopped trying. As an aside, you could make a strong argument that UChicago -- who stopped playing Big Ten football in 1946 – remains today the bell cow for the state of Illinois football.

Other comparisons between Rutgers and Rutgwestern:

Neither are "old money." Rutgers may be mocked as associated with the state that produced Real Housewives of New Jersey. We're also a school that was chartered by the King of England and was almost Ivy League (where’s the sarcasm font button?), and is located 18 miles from Princeton. Rutgers knows old money, and bruh, you’re not it.

Academics? Nice try. All of your writers AND all of the writers in the Iowa Writers Workshop (and throw in the useless OTE "writers" that couldn’t cobble together a proper haet piece) couldn’t paper over a very respectable but way oversold academic reputation. Like Rutgers, prospective students considering Rutgwestern can find much higher ranked academic institutions within a 30 mile radius.

No, I’m not trying to say, "Rutgers is OMG the best." I’m pointing out that your slogan might be more accurately described as ‘Chicago’s Rutgers Team’

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