Ames, IA — ESPN released a statement Wednesday morning that their flagship college football pre-game show, College Gameday (Built by the Home Depot), would no longer be broadcast from Ames this Saturday. The announcement came after several crew members raised concerns over being forced to spend half a week in a town that’s so terrible its only noteworthy accomplishment is having above average tap water.
“There’s absolutely nothing to do here,” cameraman Jeff Spooner complained, “I asked the hotel concierge what people do for entertainment and he spent 20 minutes giving me an in-depth comparison of the two bowling alleys in town before giving me directions to the Cracker Barrel in Clive. Later when I called for room service, the person who picked up the phone asked me if I wanted to help them steal a tank of ammonia. Why the hell is everyone here so weird?”
Lighting expert Frank Pepitone expressed his own concerns. When he realized that he forgot to pack a belt he asked one of the locals where he could get a new one.
“It was a huge mistake. This lady wouldn’t stop talking about TJ Maxx,” Frank lamented, “she kept going on and on about how it was ‘this cute little boutique’ in the mall and how it was her favorite store and that I had to see it. I....I don’t think she even realized it was a chain. She genuinely believed that this TJ Maxx was the only one in the world. Has anyone in this piece of shit town even left the state before?”
After refusing to dine at something called a “Pizza Ranch”, College Gameday hosts Desmond Howard and Lee Corso were taken to a popular local establishment named Hickory Park, which only serves food with gravy on it and features actual menu items with names like “Garbage Salad” and “Hot Meat Dinner”. When they sat down and looked at the menu, Howard and Corso gave up and went back to the hotel to raid the mini bar. Ames was cancelled as the host city within hours.
As the crew was loading the bus to return to the Des Moines airport Iowa State athletic director showed up in a last ditch attempt to save College Amesday, insisting that the town now had a second Jimmy John’s location that was better than the first one.
The production this week will be moved to Syracuse as the Orange host the Clemson Tigers at the Carrier Dome.
[update] I’ve been told the menu items sound fake.