Week 3 Power Poll: When Pepsi Just Isn’t OK

Welcome back, my friends, to the poll that never ends. We’re glad you could attend; come inside, come inside. This week, the Power Poll will be heavily caffeinated, mostly hydrated, and probably on a sugar high before we’re done. For your amusement, enjoyment, and eventual argument, Off Tackle Empire presents: Big Ten Teams as brands owned by the Coca-Cola Corporation. There were 17 voters in the poll this week, and their efforts are compiled below.

1. Ohio State Buckeyes - Coca-Cola Classic

First Place Votes: 16 High: 1 Low: 2 Last Week: 1

Photo by Artyom Geodakyan\TASS via Getty Images

The original, the dominant force, the primary reason the nation cares that the rest of us exist. Often imitated, rarely duplicated. Enjoy.

2. Wisconsin Badgers - Diet Coke

FPV: 1 High: 1 Low: 6 Last Week: 2

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

More popular in some circles, but just not quite the same as the classic. Fond of swooshing letters, for some reason. Fans of it will be happy to tell you all the reasons you’re wrong for not liking it.

3. Penn State Nittany Lions - Fairlife

High: 2 Low: 4 Last Week: 3

Photo by Roberto Machado Noa/LightRocket via Getty Images

Blue, white, exceptionally proud of their dairy. Not exactly sure why they’re under this umbrella, but they’ve been here too long to really question it any more.

4. Iowa Hawkeyes - Mello Yello

High: 2 Low: 6 Last Week: 4

How Iowa City is feeling after the Cy-Hawk game. Also, probably Kirk Ferentz. Also, the color of Iowa’s uniforms. This comparison works on many levels, is what I’m trying to say here.

5. Michigan Wolverines - Coke Zero Sugar

High: 3 Low: 5 Last Week: 7

Photo by George Frey/Getty Images

Like classic Coke, but a little less sweet. One might even call it the opposite of what you’re looking for with your Coke experience. Claims to be the real momentum driving the brand.

6. Michigan State Spartans - Sprite

High: 6 Low: 9 Last Week: 5

Photo by Alex Tai/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

Pretty much the same flavor it’s always been, but has gone through some questionable experiments in recent years trying to freshen up the brand. Not something you want any part of after it’s gone flat.

7. Nebraska Cornhuskers - Surge

High: 6 Low: 9 Last Week: 10

Obligatory 90’s popularity reference is obligatory. Similar in many ways to Mello Yello, but lacks the same consistency and fell out of the spotlight for a time. More recently, experiencing a slow return in popularity, but is still limited compared to its heyday.

8. Minnesota Golden Gophers - Gold Peak Tea

High: 4 Low: 11 Last Week: 12

Formerly awarded for its taste, now just kind of rowing in circles. Major selling point is all right there in the name.

9. Northwestern Wildcats - smartwater

High: 5 Low: 13 Last Week: 13

Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images for Smartwater

Tries to brand itself as cooler than it actually is. Not terrible, but you’re probably not getting anything exciting here either. Originally introduced in the mid-90s.

10. Maryland Terrapins - vitaminwater

High: 7 Low: 10 Last Week: 6

Photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images for vitaminwater

A more recent addition to the overall brand profile. More flavors and colors than an artist’s palette. Very similar to smartwater, but less pretentious about how it’s made.

11. Indiana Hoosiers - Tab

High: 10 Low: 13 Last Week: 8

Photo by Ramin Talaie/Corbis via Getty Images

Has a cult following, for some unknown reason. Falls flat when compared to Classic Coke. More fun to watch others consume than to actually consume yourself.

12. Purdue Boilermakers - Powerade

Last Place Votes: 1 High: 11 Low: 14 Last Week: 9

Photo by Joe Giddens - PA Images via Getty Images

Decidedly second place in its own market. Is committed to sports, kind of. Better in certain situations than Coca-Cola Classic, worse in other situations than smartwater.

13. Illinois Fighting Illini - Simply Orange

LPV: 6 High: 9 Low: 14 Last Week: 11

Photo by Steve Russell/Toronto Star via Getty Images

Begin preparing the mimosas for Thump. It’s gonna be a long season over there again. Also, #branding.

14. Rutgers Scarlet Knights - New Coke

LPV: 10 High: 12 Low: 14 Last Week: 14

An experiment. An old shame. Only exists in 2019 because television willed it to be so. Does any more really need to be said?