Dental insurance is dumb.

Not because you don’t need it, as of course we do, but because it prompts your spouse to do dumb things like “care about your well-being” and “make a dentist appointment for you because we’re paying for the dental insurance and why won’t you just use it?!”

So as I had about 50 x-rays taken of my teeth, plaque scraped off with that little tool that I swear they’ve engineered to be sharper, more painful, and more cringe-inducing than ever before, I realized—this is dumb. Sure I’m going to have better oral health, my teeth might be slightly-less coffee-yellowed, my jaw might not click when I eat a sandwich anymore, I might not grind my teeth and keep my wife awake when I sleep...

BUT AT WHAT COST?!

So I decided to make an article out of it. Kind of. I asked my dental hygienist if she had opinions about weird teeth on animals, like birds. She said she’d never heard of such a thing—mostly because she is trained to work on human teeth, not dog or cat or bird teeth. I asked her if she would give me opinions on a mascot’s teeth if I showed them to her. She said a veterinarian would be more qualified, and I asked if she thought my teeth were so bad that I’d have to go to a horse doctor.

What follows are her opinions on your schools’ mascots’ teeth.

Iowa Hawkeyes: Herky Hawk

Hygienist: Are birds supposed to have teeth? I’m a little freaked out—this is weird. It looks like he bleaches them, too. There aren’t any different teeth, either? Do birds have canines or incisors? Why are they all the same?

Maryland Terrapins - Testudo

Hygienist: Oh my God, my husband got bit by a turtle at the cabin once. But I don’t think it drew blood, did it? He looks like the beak would hurt enough—I don’t think I’d want to see his teeth.

Michigan State Spartans — Sparty

Hygienist: He looks like he has a pretty serious underbite. I’d want to get him to ortho so we could see about braces.

Minnesota Golden Gophers — Goldy Gopher

Hygienist: Oh, it’s Goldy! I always get super freaked-out when he spins his head around. Like, I’m pretty sure I cried when I was younger and he did it for my brother at the State Fair or wherever. But he has nice teeth! I’m sure gophers use them for something.

Nebraska Cornhuskers — Herbie Husker

Hygienist: He’s got a nice smile—but wait, why doesn’t the line between his top and bottom teeth go all the way to the sides? That’s freaking me out. How does that even work?! He needs to see a dentist.

[I didn’t think she was freaked out enough, so I one-upped it.]

BONUS Nebraska! Lil’ Red

Hygienist: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!

[Another hygienist walking by came into the room, she said this so loud.]

Other Hygienist: I’m sorry, I can’t even look at his teeth! You know how there are some kids who sit in your chair and you’re just like, oh, honey, no?

Hygienist: I know! I guess he’s got bottom teeth, kind of? But, like, he’s way too old to have that few of teeth! I’d have to get him to a specialist.

[I admired her sticking to the bit for this long that she actually got over Lil’ Red and looked at his teeth. What a professional.]

Northwestern Wildcats — Willie Wildcat

Hygienist: That’s an excellently cared-for mouth—nice and straight, his cuspids look clean... I guess I’d be worried that he just starts at 27 and that 32 through 28 are missing, but I don’t really know what teeth cats are supposed to have! This is kind of weird.

Ohio State Buckeyes — Brutus Buckeye

Hygienist: Is that a nut? I guess I don’t know why they’d need teeth anyways.

Penn State Nittany Lions — The Lion?

Hygienist: Oh my God, that’s a mascot?

I guess just comparing him to that other cat you just showed me, we’d need to get him looked at further. He’s clearly got partial edentulism, but I don’t know if we’d just fit him for a bridge between those or if we’d have to pull them and get him a full set of dentures. He might have some gum disease, too, now that I look at those—I’m sorry, I got weirded out by those teeth!

Purdue Boilermakers — Purdue Pete

Hygienist: OK, this is really weird. How many more of these do I have to do? Do you have any pictures of him with his mouth open?

[I looked, and I could not find any.]

Hygienist: I mean, I don’t think I’d want to treat him anyways, because those eyes are terrifying, but I really don’t know if he’s got any bite problems or anything.

Me: That’s OK, I showed you him mostly for the reaction.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights — Henry*

[Did you know the Knight had a name, and that said name was Henry?! I don’t care if the school’s named for some old dude who won the War of 1812 or wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill or whatever—pick a better mascot name, Rutgers.]

Hygienist: I’m seeing a lot of plaque on those teeth. There’s some weird staining, indicating that he’s not brushing often or well enough. The alignment looks good, but I’m concerned that his gums might not be healthy and that if that’s what his front teeth look like, we’re going to be seeing some cavities at the back.

wisconsin badgers — Buckingham Q. Badger

Hygienist: That jaw kind of looks like he got some work done and we gave him Novocain.

---

Thursday Night

Don’t Watch This

Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Professional Baseball Team [6:15pm, FOX] {MLB}
Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars [7:20pm, NFLN] {NFL}

Watch That

Houston Cougars (1-2) at Tulane Green Wave (2-1)

7pm | ESPN | Tulane -5 | O/U 56

There’s really no shame in Houston’s 1-2 record—the Cougs lost handily to #5 Oklahoma but hung in there in Reliant Stadium with #19 Wazzu—so that Tulane -5 line feels rather harsh.

Of course, the Green Wave, a DWT;WT Team of Choice, have been—I’m so sorry—rolling outside of a thoroughly-expected 24-6 loss at #8 Auburn, so maybe Vegas sees something I don’t. Justin McMillan, Darius Bradwell, and Corey Dauphine are all home-run threats for Willie Fritz’s option attack, and keeping the offense on schedule means they can beat you a whole lot of ways. Fun contrast in styles, and I’ll be curious to see if Tulane can contain D’Eriq King and force him into passing situations. If you like throwback football modernized for today’s athletes, definitely a game for you.

If you’re bored, too, there’s WNBA action on ESPN2—looks like Sparks-Sun at 5:30, then Aces-Mystics(?) at 7:30. The Lynx are out, my interest is down to zero.

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

Air Force Falcons at Boise State Broncos (-8.5, O/U 55) [8pm, ESPN2]

Watch That

FIU Panthers at Louisiana Tech Bulldogs

7pm | CBSSN | LT -8 | O/U 52

Utah Utes at USC Trojans

8pm | FS1 | Utah -4 | O/U 52

I’ll be honest—you could watch any of these games and I wouldn’t begrudge you that in the slightest. That’s the beauty of college football! Of these, though, Air Force-Boise gets the bump down because not only am I not convinced that Air Force is actually that good (I mean, like winning in Folsom is that hard?), watch Boise Community College on that eye-bleeding turf is not pleasant. And they’re less fun under Bryce Harsin. I can’t prove it, but they just feel less fun—I’ve retroactively decided that Chris Petersen’s Boise ran the Statue of Liberty play EVERY DRIVE. BRING BACK FUN FOOTBALL, HARSIN.

Since I’m making DWT;WT the place where I now say borderline libelous things, it’s only a matter of time before we find out Kirk Cousins is hikin’ the ol’ Appalachian Trail or something. Fuck him with his own set of pearly-white horse dentures.

LaTech barely scraped by FCS Grambling, then pounded Bowling Green. FIU lost to Western Kentucky, who already lost to Central Arkansas, then snuck by FCS New Hampshire, 30-17. The new FIU QB, Kaylan Wiggins, is a dual threat (187 rushing yards vs 127 passing against UNH) and bringing a lot more to the Sunblazers’ offense than the now-benched James Morgan. And just looking at rosters, in addition to LaTech QB J’mar Smith, the Bulldogs have an RB named Smoke Harris. HELL YES.

This is one of those sneaky “the quarterback’s going to throw a TD pass that skips off the umpire’s head into the waiting arms of a wide receiver” games.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Newcastle vs. Brighton Hove Albion [11:30am, NBCSN] {EPL}
Western Michigan Broncos at Syracuse Orange (-5.5, O/U 65.5) [11am, ACCN]
Elon Phoenix at Wake Forest Demon Deacons [11am, ACCNx]
UConn Huskies at Indiana Hoosiers (-27, O/U 58) [11am, BTN]
Morgan State Bears at Army Black Knights [11am, CBSSN]
Tennessee Volunteers at Florida Gators (-14, O/U 49) [11am, ESPN]
Southern Miss Golden Eagles at Alabama Crimson Tide (-38.5, O/U 61.5) [11am, ESPN2]
California Golden Bears at Ole Miss Rebels (-2.5, O/U 41) [11am, ESPNU]
ULM Warhawks at Iowa St. Cyclones (-18.5, O/U 55) [11am, FS1]
LSU Tigers (-24, O/U 62) at Vanderbilt Commodores [11am, SECN]
Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (-17, O/U 63) at UMass Minutemen [12pm, Flo ($)]

Watch That

Boston College Eagles at Rutgers Scarlet Knights

11am | BTN | BC -8 | O/U 57.5

Michigan Wolverines at wisconsin badgers

11am | FOX | wisc -3.5 | O/U 43

Michigan State Spartans at Northwestern Wildcats

11am | ABC | MSU -9.5 | O/U 38!!!!!!!!!

The only game in “Don’t Watch This” I feel remotely bad about is Western Michigan-Syracuse, because last year the Broncos hosted the Orange in an enjoyable 55-42 shootout loss. So if you want offense and get ACCN, that’s perhaps an option—though I bet it’ll be less fun in the Carrier Dome.

Unabashed Big Ten homerism here: Michigan-wisconsin will be much better than Tennessee-Florida because both teams are actually halfway decent, BC-Rutgers brings you the cringeworthy “Will they lose to Kansas again?” questions for the Eagles that Cal playing at Ole Miss doesn’t, and Michigan State-Northwestern...God, there are going to be so many punts in that game I’ve got a semi just thinking about it. Sorry to whoever’s sitting in the row in front of me.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Troy Trojans (-17, O/U 56.5) at Akron Zips [2pm, ESPN+]
UCF Knights (-12.5, O/U 61) at Pittsburgh Panthers [2:30pm, ABC/ESPN2]
Appalachian St. Mountaineers at UNC Tar Heels (-3, O/U 58) [2:30pm, ACCNx]
Miami Hydroxide Redhawks at Ohio State Buckeyes (-39.5, O/U 58) [2:30pm, BTN]
Auburn Tigers at Texas A&M Aggies (-3.5, O/U 47.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
Louisville Cardinals at Florida State Seminoles (-3.5, O/U 60.5) [2:30pm, ESPN]
Bowling Green Falcons at Kent State Golden Flashes (-11, O/U 62.5) [2:30pm, ESPN3]
South Alabama Jaguars at UAB Blazers (-10, O/U 50) [2:30pm, NFLN]
Central Michigan Chippewas at Miami Fluoride Hurricanes (-29.5, O/U 48) [3pm, ACCN]
South Carolina Gamecocks at Missouri Tigers (-9.5, O/U 64) [3pm, SECN]
West Virginia Mountaineers (-4.5, O/U 49) at Kansas Jayhawks [3:30pm, ESPN+]
New Mexico State Aggies at New Mexico Lobos (-4.5, O/U 68.5) [3:30pm, AT&T SN]

Watch That

Louisiana Ragin Cajuns at Ohio Bobcats

1pm | ESPN+ | Ohio -3.5 | O/U 65.5

Washington Huskies at BYU Cougars

2:30pm | ABC/ESPN2 | Wash -6.5 | O/U 52.5

Wyoming Cowboys at Tulsa Golden Hurricane

2:30pm | CBSSN | Tulsa -3.5 | O/U 45

SMU Mustangs at TCU Horned Frogs

2:30pm | FS1 | TCU -9.5 | O/U 55

Temple Owls at Buffalo Bulls

2:30pm | ESPNU | Temple -13.5 | O/U 53.5

Anyway, it’s brave of the ACC to hide North Carolina losing to Appalachian State on the ACC Network’s alternate channel. It’s like buying BTN Plus to watch wisconsin lose to UWM.

Along those lines, I’m really upset at the Mountain West Conference for not having a TV deal that allows us to watch the RIO GRANDE RIVALRY. Aggies coach Doug Martin is currently comparing NMSU to a local high school team, to give you an idea of how well that’s going, and Bob Davie had a heart attack and won’t be coaching this weekend. So this should be every bit the trainwreck it’s supposed to be—AND WE CAN’T WATCH. Do better, MWC.

Speaking of good-shit rivalries for weird-ass things: THE BATTLE FOR THE IRON SKILLET. It’s SMU. It’s TCU. Sonny Dykes has no plans to play defense, and TCU might have an offense now! Let’s get weird.

I am also prepared to call the Wyoming Cowboys the early front-runner for this year’s DWT;WT Team of Choice—they’re 3-0, with unconvincing wins over Mizzou, a tight road win over abysmal Texas State, and a 21-16 escape over the FCS Idaho Vandals. They’ll head down to Tulsa, where the Golden Hurricanes have shown that if nothing else, they are prepared to score some points and scare better teams with QB Zach Smith and RB Shamari Brooks. Wyoming has gone full Minnesota Vikings, as QB Sean Chambers put up a Cousinsian line of 4/12 for 50 yards (0 TDs or INTs) in the win over Idaho and Trey Smith (17 rushes for 152 and 2 TDs), and I am thoroughly here for it. Go Cowboys.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Notre Dame Fighting Irish at Georgia Bulldogs (-14, O/U 58.5) [7pm, CBS]
Georgia State Panthers at Texas State Bobcats (-3, O/U 63.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Baylor Bears (-26, O/U 58.5) at Rice Owls [6pm, CBSSN]
Oregon Ducks (-10, O/U 59) at Stanford Cardinal [6pm, ESPN]
Old Dominion Monarchs at Virginia Cavaliers (-29.5, O/U 45.5) [6pm, ESPN2]
Balls Tate Cardinals at N.C. State Wolfpack (-19, O/U 60) [6pm, ESPNU]
Charlotte 49ers at Clemson Tigers (-41.5, O/U 63.5) [6:30pm, ACCN]
UTSA Roadrunners at North Texas Mean Green (-19, O/U 58) [6:30pm, Facebook]
San Jose State Spartans at Arkansas Razorbacks (-20.5, O/U 61) [6:30pm, SECN]
Nevada Wolf Pack (-15.5, O/U 52.5) at UTEP Miners [7pm, ESPN3]

Watch That

Oklahoma State Cowboys at Texas Longhorns

6:30pm | ABC | Texas -6 | O/U 73

Nebraska Cornhuskers at Illinois Fighting Illini

7pm | BTN | UNL -13 | O/U 63

The NHL is back, and I am already irritated at the Minnesota Wild. I don’t think they’ve done anything, but I’m just ready for my performative Minnesotan outrage at a hockey team. Braydynn and Xanthyr need to know that when they throw that $1000 worth of equipment in the back of my Escalade and we truck down to Peewee Summer Dryland Training ($500 for 4 weeks) at the Chaska Ice Arena, they’re making a commitment to playing Good Hukkey, not like that GLORY BOY PARISE who can’t even play half the season.

Speaking of, do not waste your time with Notre Dame-Georgia. While it’s fun to listen to the homers at Notredame Broadcasting Corporation go silent as visiting teams win, it’s less fun when coupled with the smugness of the SEC on CBS. Pass.

Points, shenanigans, and undisciplined football. That’s what these three orange teams plus Nebraska will get you. For a competent version of that, Big XII on ABC. For an incompetent version of that, Big Ten on...BTN. Easy.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Sacramento State Hornets at Fresno State Bulldogs (-21) [9pm, Facebook]
Colorado Buffaloes at Arizona State Sun Devils (-7.5, O/U 50) [9pm, Pac12]
UCLA Bruins at Washington State Cougars (-18.5, O/U 57) [9:30pm, ESPN]

Watch That

Toledo Rockets at Colorado State Rams

9:15pm | ESPN2 | Toledo -9 | O/U 67

Utah State Aggies at San Diego State Aztecs

9:30pm | CBSN | USU -4 | O/U 54

Central Arkansas Bears at Hawaii Rainbow Warriors

10:59pm | Facebook

It would be SO on-brand for Hawaii to give Arizona and Oregon State a transitive loss to Central Arkansas here. But as someone who stayed up to watch the ‘Bows handle the Beavers as I watched Minnesota pull another game out of its ass, I can say that it’s an unmatched viewing experience.

IN THAT VEIN: We already have the Big Ten-ACC Challenge for basketball. Give me the MWC-MAC Challenge in football! Play this Week 0/1 of the college football season: All the games AT the MAC teams would be played on Tuesday and Wednesday nights BEFORE Week 1, while all the games AT the MWC schools would be played on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights at 5pm/6pm PT/MT or later. Based on the 2018 standings...

THE MAC-MWC CHALLENGE

• Tuesday, 6pm, ESPN2: [6] Wyoming at [6] Miami Hydroxide
• Tuesday, 7pm, ESPNU: [12] San Jose State at [12] Central Michigan
• Tuesday, 8pm, ESPN2: [2] Boise State at [2] Northern Illinois
• Wednesday, 6pm, ESPN2: [8] Air Force at [8] Akron
• Wednesday, 7pm, ESPNU: [10] Colorado State at [10] Bowling Green
• Wednesday, 8pm, ESPN2: [4] Nevada at [4] Eastern Michigan
• Thursday, 9pm, CBSSN: [1] Buffalo at [1] Fresno State
• Thursday, 9pm, Facebook: [9] Balls Tate at [9] UNLV
• Friday, 9pm, CBSSN: [3] Ohio at [3] Utah State
• Friday, 9pm, Facebook: [11] Kent State at [11] New Mexico
• Saturday, 9pm, CBSSN: [7] Western Michigan at [7] San Diego State
• Saturday, 10:59pm, Facebook: [5] Toledo at [5] Hawaii

You would watch every single game on that schedule. Do not lie to me for one second and suggest otherwise.

Excellence in Watching This and not Watching That

I would like to use this space to congratulate reader and friend of the blog (and home bartender extraordinaire) chitownhawkeye on his commitment to the DWT;WT bit by actually attending a Hawaii football game. Chitown, you truly embody the spirit of watching shitty football games and taking time out of your life to see a random Mountain West team beat up on an FCS program a couple thousand miles from home.

I leʻaleʻa kāu!

Enjoy the games.