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Rutgers Using Alcohol Sales to Fund Coach Buyout (satire)

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Rutgers rolls out the “831 Initiative”

Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

Piscataway—After an abysmal showing against a bad Boston College team on Saturday, Rutgers Athletics administrators are looking to get rid of current head coach Chris Ash. The problem is that Ash is under contract until 2023 and his buyout is 7.5 million dollars. However, given some recent changes in the Rutgers Gameday experience, Rutgers leaders have come up with an ingenious way to cover this cost. This season, Rutgers started selling alcohol at SHI Stadium. And it is quite an impressive selection they have.

With this new addition to Rutgers Football Games, on Monday Rutgers Athletics announced the “831 Initiative.”

"We're excited to announce this new initiative that will combine Rutgers fans' need to drink copious amounts of alcohol with our need to get Ash, who is 8-31, the hell out of here," says Rutgers Athletics Fundraising Coordinator, Chris MacCarthy.

“We just need a lot of fans, both visiting fans impressed by our extensive alcohol selection and Rutgers fans to buy considerable amounts of alcohol, and that shouldn’t be any issue for our depressed fanbase,” says Mike Stevenson who is on the initiative’s committee. He adds, “We expect to cover most of Ash’s buyout by the end of the season. We know college football fans only have one liver, but everyone needs to pretend they have two for the sake of Rutgers."

It is a creative tactic and one that has great potential to generate a lot of sales given the state Rutgers Football for sure.

Rutgers Athletics is even planning on encouraging people not to tailgate with their own alcohol by sending out “831 Initiative Ambassadors” on gamedays who will be handing out special menus with the alcohol selection and prices which also summarize the last few seasons of Rutgers Football on the back.

The only setback is that instead of buying alcohol at SHIt Stadium, some Rutgers fans choose to not attend the games at all as the very empty showing for the Boston College game had shown.

“This is where we rely on our eclectic selection to entice visiting fans. We really don’t care who is buying the alcohol, just as long as people are buying. If Ohio State fans fund 10% of the buyout, so be it.”

Red and White Wine costs $11, and the beers and other drinks, ranging from $11-$12, include an absolutely impressive full list of:

  • Blue Moon
  • Bud Light
  • Budweiser
  • Coors and Coors Light
  • Miller and Miller Light
  • Shock Top
  • Yuengling
  • Corona
  • Dos Equis
  • Fosters
  • Heineken
  • Heineken Light
  • Modello
  • Stella
  • Blood Orange IPA
  • Blue Point
  • Fat Tire
  • Founders IPA
  • Goose IPA
  • The Traveler
  • Terrapin
  • Asbury Park Brewery
  • Forgotten Boardwalk
  • Jersey Girl Sunkissed
  • NJ Hudson Pale Ale
  • NJ LBIPA
  • Angry Orchard
  • White Claw
  • Twisted Tea

Which means that Rutgers only has to sell 652,174 drinks, averaging $11.50 per drink in five remaining home games. And any variation less than that to make a partial amount. “At the very least we want to make half the buyout of $3.75 million which we think is totally achievable. I think we can do it.” says Mike Stevenson.

When asked for final comment, Chris MacCarthy only had a plea for Rutgers fans.

“If you’re thinking of staying home because you’re done with this season, don’t. Think about coming to the stadium to drink yourself into a Scarlet stupor instead to support the 831 Initiative, please dear god.”


(This is satire... but does it have to be?)