Hi all! Tarts have showed up late once again, much like Michigan to Camp Randall Stadium. However, unlike the Wolverines, I’m actually delivering as promised—even without making $7.5 million this year like Jim Harbaugh.
I know, Jim. What a time to be alive, eh?
Anyway, in spite of half the conference enjoying a bye week and the beginning of conference play drastically lessening the number of games this week, we’ve still got some tarty goodness thanks to Fall’s Tarts stalwarts Rutgers and, as you may have heard, Michigan.
In Which the Rutgers Center Fails to Act Like He’s Been There Before
Rutgers, as has been discussed at length, is not very good at football. They don’t score often, so when they do, it’s occasion for firing artillery, and, according to Rutgers center Mike Maietti, punching your own quarterback in the face:
Rutgers center Mike Maietti was so fired up about that touchdown, he legit punched QB Art Sitkowski in the face: pic.twitter.com/ySC9HaAKss— Brian Fonseca (@briannnnf) September 21, 2019
For QB Artur Sitkowski, I highly doubt this was anywhere close to the top of the list his daily experiences that are terrible—after all, he’s quarterback for Rutgers and lives in New Jersey, so this guy has seen some shit. Nevertheless, it probably wasn’t a highlight, and detracted from an otherwise rare nice moment. So Rutgers.
In Which the Official Gets Way Too Involved
This puzzling little moment is brought to you by the officiating crew in the Wisconsin-Michigan game. As Wisconsin snapped the ball, an official blew his whistle... and caught the ball:
To be fair, it was a nice catch. Maybe he just felt that Wisconsin needed a real opponent.
In Which Fitzy HashtagDoesn’tCare
Northwestern played like crap on Saturday, and consequently got their butts handed to them by an MSU team we’d all left for dead only a week ago. It’s a funny sport like that. But however Wildcat fans may have felt about this turn of events, at least one man was utterly unconcerned—Northwestern head coach, Pat Fitzgerald.
Pat Fitzgerald was actually killed by an 85 year old drifter who is now wearing his skin and nothing can convince me otherwise. https://t.co/PG20QxgegH— Off Tackle Empire (@offtackleempire) September 23, 2019
Hear that, whippersnappers of Twitter? Fitz doesn’t hashtagcarewhatyouthink. He hashtagknowswhathesdoing. Hashtaghatersarealwaysgoingtohate. “We’ll probably only score three points next week, and you know what? That’s great. We just need to get the run established,” Hashtagpatfitzgerald told reporters. Northwestern fans are encouraged to remember that the Hashtagidontcare address ends in @hotmail.com when sending their complaints.
In Which Lovie is Content and Literally No Other Illini Are
Speaking of other coaches who don’t really care, Lovie Smith staked a strong claim to a number of irate hashtags with both his game management and post-game reflections on his team’s loss to Nebraska. For those not watching, Illinois started fast and held the lead for most of the game, in spite of allowing Nebraska to pile up nearly 700 (yes) yards of offense. However, with all the momentum before halftime and an opportunity to use his timeouts to get within field goal range and punch Nebraska in the throat yet again, Lovie decided “Nah... we’re good” and trotted off to the locker room.
After the game, Smith explained “We were content,” and then, incredibly, added the following:
#Illini Lovie on end of first half: “Those decisions we made, we’d do them all over again.”— Bret Beherns (@WCIA3Bret) September 22, 2019
Illini fans did not meet this announcement with great enthusiasm, and at the time, neither did Smith’s own QB, former Michigan player Brandon Peters:
In Which Southerners Once Again Prove They Are a Special People
Appalachian State, who was kicking the crap out of Michigan before it was cool, is having themselves a nice football season. On Saturday, they defeated UNC, who is led by former Texas Longhorns coach, Mack Brown. That’s not important to the story, I just think it’s funny. Anyway, App State fans were pretty tickled by the win, as proven by this young man’s reaction:
The best part is the totally matter-of-fact way in which this young man’s companions react to the decidedly not normal decision to jump off a balcony into a tree, as though this IS a normal reaction to winning a football game. The South, man.
In Which Michigan Is Not Back, Again
I’ll skip the preamble, and just let you enjoy this clip of Jim Harbaugh saying “Fuck me” on the sideline as his team gets rocked by the Badgers:
“Fuck me.”-Jim Harbaugh is every Michigan fan right now pic.twitter.com/uQPrzfz1ae— Mark Graham (@unclegrambo) September 21, 2019
Like the true Michigan Man that he is, he spoke for his people.
While Michigan’s meltdown was mostly not about any one tart and instead about general ineptitude and an apparent lack of real preparation for their opponent, there is one moment that encapsulates the Wolverine experience of last Saturday:
You’ll never guess where the QB sneak went. pic.twitter.com/jN4QYftOdg— Tweetgood Marshall (@MJ_GIA) September 21, 2019
After the game, Harbaugh concluded that Michigan was “out-prepared, outplayed, outcoached ... the whole thing,” and no one bothered trying to talk him out of it. The Wolverines have the chance to wash the bad taste of this one out of their mouths this weekend against Rutgers, but if they struggle even a little bit... this will be one long season in Ann Arbor. Congrats on the Tart of the Week, Jim.
Who tarted hardest this week?
This poll is closed
I’m putting Michigan no matter what else is on here!
Rutgers’ center patents the "Jersey Celebration"
A ref dreams of a different life
Lovie was content
Southerners jumping off stuff without apparent thought