DES MOINES, IA — Esteemed philanthropist Carson King announced this morning that he will cut ties with beer manufacturer Anheuser-Busch, owner of the Busch Light brand, over multiple offensive advertisements they made.
“In a bygone era, we made some advertisements that referenced some cultural mores of the time. Several of these advertisements were brought to our attention today,” said a spokesperson for Anheuser-Busch.
“Mr. King has been nothing but kind in all of our business dealings, and we appreciate his pointing out the ads to us. We want everyone to understand that this was our decision to publicly address the posts and apologize. We believe that is the right thing to do.”
“But,” the spokesman added, “first, you have to understand that it was a different time, and certain things were just more acceptable then to say among your best customers. It was also a long time ago, and we’ve matured and grown as people since then,” he continued, ignoring the fact that Anheuser-Busch brand Bud Light branded itself “the perfect beer for removing NO from your vocabulary for the night” just four years ago. “While it’s perfectly fair to judge people on things they’ve said at different times of their lives, we are a corporation and though our corporate values change all the time, they are currently unimpeachable and we need people to believe this.”
“Plus, who would go digging for dirt to make controversy out of such an objectively good and popular story that makes people happy? Who does Mr. King think he is, the Des Moines Register?”
Last Saturday, King became a sensation in the college football world after being spotted on the set of ESPN College Gameday in Ames holding a sign reading “Busch Light supply need replenished. Venmo Carson-King-25.” After money began to come in, the Iowa State Cyclones fan announced he would donate the proceeds to the University of Iowa Stead Family Children’s Hospital. This prompted Venmo and Anheuser-Busch to pledge to match King’s donation, and produced the most heartwarming story of the college football season to date.
Even with all the controversy over the Iowa Hawkeyes’ win in the bitter rivalry game (that will be played annually in perpetuity), King’s largess became the biggest story to come from the weekend.
That all changed after King was made aware of the ads, which have since been deleted.
In a statement to Off Tackle Empire, King said, “Anheuser-Busch had multiple printed advertisements that do not align with my values as a brand or as a philanthropist and I will have no further association with them. I am honoring my commitment by donating more than $350,000 to the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics.”
“As I worked on the campaign, I did a routine background check on Anheuser-Busch that included a review of publicly available printed advertisements and packaging, a standard part of a philanthropist’s work on a fundraiser. I thought I should be transparent about what I found, but not necessarily show up to the Iowa game next week with giant printouts of those ads,” King continued.
At press time, the beer giant, which exclusively makes mass-produced products cost-optimized to get people drunk as inexpensively as possible while preserving favorable profit margins, was reportedly still very sorry for being such a bad brand.