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Don’t Watch This; Watch That: Soup Season, Hawaii Football, and Why Italian Dunkers Suck

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Your guide to the Week 5 college football schedule, including UMass-Akron and THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN PRACTICING FOR.

Massachusetts v Rutgers Photo by Corey Perrine/Getty Images

Welcome back! Time to talk about which college football games are worth your time in Week 5.

But first, take the couple minutes out of your day to read DWT;WT Commenter of the Year and Friend of the Blog chitownhawkeye, who took time out of his vacation to Hawaii to go to a DWT;WT Team of Choice Hawaii Rainbow Warriors game:

This is a level of commitment to the bit and appreciation of bad football that I just never thought I’d see reciprocated. I salute you, chitownhawkeye.

There were a lot of ideas I had for this piece this week, and none of them came close to fruition. I’m sorry—I’m behind on a lot of writing, and instead of that, I’ll let chitownhawkeye’s piece speak for this week. If you want to know what could’ve been, though, here are the ideas I have on my piece. Tell me what to write for next week:

  • High school lunches, ranked [spoiler: Italian dunkers are DFL.]
  • Mapping Inequality: Look at redlining in your hometown! Cheery stuff!
  • Best G5-at-SEC upsets of the last 20 years
  • SOUP SEASON: Really, I just have a sausage, white bean, and kale soup recipe that I was going to share, but I would be excited to talk recipes

Let’s get to the games.

Thursday

Don’t Watch This

Delaware State Hornets at North Carolina A&T Aggies (-27.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Philadelphia Eagles at Green Bay Packers [7:20pm, FOX/NFL]

Watch That

Navy Midshipmen (2-0) at Memphis Tigers (3-0)

7pm | ESPN | Mem -10.5 | O/U 54

Let me spare you how Eagles-at-Packers goes: The Packers score on the first drive after a questionable Defensive Pass Interference call picks up 34 yards on a play where David Bakhtiari physically rips the jersey off a defensive end, Green Bay doesn’t look back, wins 27-17.

Now that we’ve disabused ourselves of that bullshit, here are the scores over the four games played between Memphis and Navy in the AAC:

  • 2015: Navy, 45-20
  • 2016: Navy, 42-28
  • 2017: Memphis: 30-27
  • 2018: Navy, 22-21

Brady White throws the ball all over the field—how is Mike Norvell still at Memphis?—and Navy RB Malcolm Perry has averaged 5.2 ypc over the last two meetings between these two. Oh, and for the Tigers, RB Kenneth Gainwell should pick up right where Darrell Henderson (12.24 ypc, 3 TDs in 2017-2018 meetings) left off by slashing the Middies’ D, too.

Point is, this should be a big-play, sloppy affair between two undefeated teams who might be good...or not? Take the over and grab the popcorn.

Poll

Thursday night?

This poll is closed

  • 24%
    Time to get to bed early.
    (44 votes)
  • 40%
    Navy-Memphis
    (72 votes)
  • 34%
    I’ll watch Green Bay cheat their way to a win, sure.
    (61 votes)
177 votes total Vote Now

Friday

Don’t Watch This

Duke Blue Devils at Virginia Tech Hokies (-2.5, O/U 53) [6pm, ESPN]
Brown Bears at Harvard Crimson (-20.5, O/U 53.5) [6pm, ESPNN]

Watch That

Penn State Nittany Lions at Maryland Terrapins

7pm | FS1 | PSU -6.5 | O/U 61.5

San Jose State Spartans at Air Force Falcons

7pm | CBSSN | AFA -19.5 | O/U 57

Arizona State Sun Devils at California Golden Bears

9:30pm | ESPN | Cal -4.5 | O/U 41

First, let’s pour a little out for the Columbia University Marching Band. The irreverent Ivy League scatter band—think Stanford, but with cool traditions and actually funny—was effectively defunded and formally barred from official campus activities. I’m sure the military precision band that Columbia tries to start in its place will be a great success, but in the meantime, I’ll miss the God-knows-horrible-musicianship but enthusiasm and spirit that CUMB brought to terrible football.

San Jose State has collapsed since their 2015 Cure Bowl win over Georgia State (it brought them to 6-7 on the year!), going 4-8, 2-11, and 1-11 since then.

Last week, they rolled into Fayetteville and knocked off the Arkansas Razorbacks, 31-24.

Now, we should note that Arkansas may be historically bad. They’re becoming a spread team under former SMU coach Chad Morris, and QB Nick Starkel is struggling—witness the 5 INTs he threw against SJSU—but that shouldn’t take away from a moribund Mountain West program walking into a weird SEC stadium where grown men and women snort like hogs at you and walking out with the win.

Think about it: Someday he might be teaching phy-ed in Pleasanton, but for right now, SJSU QB Josh Love will have the memory of winning a football game in that environment. Wild.

Anyway, Penn State-Maryland will be competitive and angry and cheap-shottish and energetic until it’s not. You want to watch that, but on commercial breaks, might I recommend a little San Jose State action? I may. Watch it.

Oh, and Sparky-Oski.

SPARKY.

OSKEE.

Wait, no, let’s try that again: SPARKY.

OSKI.

This was a mistake.

Poll

Friday night?

This poll is closed

  • 71%
    Penn State-Maryland
    (156 votes)
  • 4%
    San Jose State-Air Force
    (10 votes)
  • 7%
    SPARKY-OSKI
    (16 votes)
  • 16%
    Sparky-Oskee, which is just Tim Beckman yelling slogans at children’s television while his children cower behind the couch
    (35 votes)
217 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Texas Tech Red Raiders at Oklahoma Sooners (-27, O/U 71) [11am, FOX]
Northwestern Wildcats at Wisconsin Badgers (-24.5, O/U 47) [11am, ABC]
Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at Iowa Hawkeyes (-23, O/U 52.5) [11am, ESPN2]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at Michigan Wolverines (-27.5, O/U 49) [11am, BTN]
Texas A&M Aggies (-23.5, O/U 58) at Arkansas Razorbacks [11am, ESPN, JerryWorld]
Holy Cross Crusaders at Syracuse Orange (-38.5, O/U 55) [11am, ACCN]
Northern Illinois Huskies at Vanderbilt Commodores (-6.5, O/U 51.5) [11am, SECN]
Kansas Jayhawks at TCU Horned Frogs (-15.5, O/U 49) [11am, FS1]
Delaware Blue Hens at Pittsburgh Panthers (-27, O/U 50.5) [11:30am, ACCNx]

Watch That

BYU Cougars at Toledo Rockets

11am | ESPN+ | BYU -2.5 | O/U 60

Buffalo Bulls at Miami-Ohio Redhawks

11am | ESPNU | UB -2.5 | O/U 47

Central Michigan Chippewas at Western Michigan Broncos

11am | CBSSN | WMU -18 | O/U 60

Everton vs. Manchester City

11:30am | NBCSN

This article is as much therapy for me as it is free entertainment for all you people. So this serves as a reminder to myself that I don’t have to watch Northwestern-wisconsin. I don’t.

If I say that to myself enough in the mirror, it’ll be true.

And so there’s fun stuff out there! I think the best of the bunch will be perennial “Are they actually good?” MAC power Toledo, which hosts cheap-shot artists BYU and brings an exciting dual-threat QB in Mitchell Guadagni and RB Bryant Koback to the proceedings—the Rockets went to Fort Collins and survived the Rams in a wild one (that DWT;WT told you to watch). The Cougars, to their credit, are a perfectly cromulent second-tier team, having lost their marquee matchups with ranked Utah and Washington but also won at Tennessee and against USC. BYU should beat Toledo handily. But I’ll have an eye on this to see if the Rockets can keep Kalani Sitake’s defense from pinning their ears back and dictating.

I like Miami Hydroxide. I just do. Chuck Martin’s a good quote, and the football’s bad, but just embrace it.

Speaking of, Central and Western play for a fucking cannon. Neither plays defense, and both have been all over the map this year: Western lost 51-17 to MSU then hung with Syracuse in a 52-33 loss, while Central took their beating to wisconsin but then went to Miami and hung in there in a 17-12 defeat. WHO KNOWS! This is a random number generator game, and that’s a lot more exciting than a 45-6 strangulation in madison. The ONLY problem is that this game isn’t being played at 6pm on ESPN2 on Tuesday night.

Poll

Where’s Gameday...Lincoln? OK. That’s over. What’s on now?

This poll is closed

  • 54%
    My Big Ten team is playing at this time in a boring 35-point rout.
    (105 votes)
  • 7%
    BYU-Toledo
    (15 votes)
  • 8%
    Other MACtion
    (17 votes)
  • 6%
    Everton-Man City
    (12 votes)
  • 22%
    I’ll run errands so I’m ready for the later games
    (43 votes)
192 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Clemson Tigers (-27, O/U 60) at North Carolina Tar Heels [2:30pm, ABC]
Ole Miss Rebels at Alabama Crimson Tide (-37.5, O/U 60) [2:30pm, CBS]
Virginia Cavaliers at Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-12.5, O/U 48.5) [2:30pm, NBC]
USC Trojans at Washington Huskies (-10.5, O/U 60.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
Indiana Hoosiers at Michigan State Spartans (-14, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, BTN]
Iowa St. Cyclones (-3, O/U 55.5) at Baylor Bears [2:30pm, ESPN]
Coastal Carolina Chanticleers at Appalachian State Mountaineers (-15.5, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm ESPN+]
Towson Tigers at Florida Gators (-36.5, O/U 62.5) [3pm, SECN]
SMU Mustangs (-7.5, O/U 62) at South Florida Bulls [3pm, ESPNU]
East Carolina Pirates at Old Dominion Monarchs (-3, O/U 48) [5pm, ESPN+]
Arkansas State Red Wolves at Troy Trojans (-6.5, O/U 59.5) [5pm, ESPN+]
Louisiana Ragin Cajuns (-3.5, O/U 55) at Georgia Southern Panthers [5pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Temple Owls

2:30pm | CBSSN | Temple -9 | O/U 48.5

Akron Zips at Massachusetts Minutemen

2:30pm | FloSports ($) | Akron -7.5 | O/U 62.5

Minnesota Golden Gophers at Purdue Boilermakers

2:30pm | ESPN2 | Minn -1.5 | O/U 55

Florida Atlantic Owls at Charlotte 49ers

2:30pm | NFL | Char -1 | O/U 65.5

Wake Forest Demon Deacons at Boston College Eagles

2:30pm | ACCN | Wake -7 | O/U 70

Cincinnati Bearcats at Marshall Thundering Herd

4pm | Facebook | Cincy -3.5 | O/U 47.5

WE’VE BEEN PRACTICING FOR THIS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

AKRON, THE 129TH-BEST TEAM IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. UMASS, THE 130TH-BEST TEAM IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

YOU MIGHT BE THINKING TO YOURSELF, “BUT MNW, THERE ARE ONLY 130 TEAMS IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL.” AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT. I hope FloSports has a free trial, because otherwise I am prepared to spend an irrational amount of money to watch this terrible football game.

Failing that? Geoff Collins—the Temple Tuff coach himself!—returns to where it all began, bringing with him a team that handed South Florida its 8th straight loss...but also lost at home in overtime to FCS The Citadel. Will he get booed? Will Tech be able to move the ball? Will Rod Carey do his best Paul Chryst impression? PROBABLY! Let’s get weird.

There are lots of damn good games this afternoon. I will queue up Cincy-Marshall for some good, hard-hitting football, FAU-Charlotte should be plenty weird on a football channel for some reason, and there’s a chance Minnesota-Purdue ends when while kicking the game-winning field goal, a bolt of lightning strikes the ball, which explodes.

Which team wins? NO ONE KNOWS. But any football game that has the potential to replicate the events of the young adult novel Tangerine, which I had to read for ninth-grade English class, seems good by me. Let’s get stupid in the afternoon.

Poll

Holy shit, how exciting is this afternoon?! Let’s watch bad football:

This poll is closed

  • 42%
    Minnesota-Purdue
    (88 votes)
  • 1%
    GATech-Temple
    (4 votes)
  • 5%
    Akron-UMass
    (12 votes)
  • 0%
    Clemons-UNC
    (1 vote)
  • 0%
    Ole Miss-Bama
    (2 votes)
  • 6%
    Virginia-Notre Dame
    (13 votes)
  • 5%
    USC-Washington
    (11 votes)
  • 20%
    Indiana-Michigan State
    (43 votes)
  • 0%
    SMU-South Florida
    (2 votes)
  • 0%
    FAU-Charlotte
    (0 votes)
  • 0%
    Wake-Boston College
    (2 votes)
  • 14%
    Too many good ones; please don’t make me pick.
    (29 votes)
207 votes total Vote Now

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Mississippi St. Bulldogs at Auburn Tigers (-10.5, O/U 46) [6pm, ESPN]
UConn Huskies at UCF Knights (-42.5, O/U 65) [6pm, ESPN2]
South Alabama Jaguars at ULM Warhawks (-16, O/U 57.5) [6pm, ESPN+]
Texas-El Paso Miners at Southern Miss Golden Eagles (-26, O/U 49) [6pm, ESPN+]
UAB Blazers (-3, O/U 47) at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers [6pm, ESPN+]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (-8.5, O/U 49) at Rice Owls [6pm, ESPN3]
Stanford Cardinal (-4, O/U 57) at Oregon State Beavers [6pm, Pac12]
N.C. State Wolfpack at Florida State Seminoles (-6.5, O/U 62) [6:30pm, ACCN]
Colorado State Rams at Utah State Aggies (-24, O/U 72.5) [6:30pm, CBSSN]
Fresno State Bulldogs (-18, O/U 63) at New Mexico State Aggies [7pm, AT&TSN?]

Watch That

Ohio State Buckeyes at Nebraska Cornhuskers

6:30pm | ABC | OSU -17 | O/U 66.5

Kansas State Wildcats at Oklahoma State Cowboys

6pm | ESPN+ | OKSt -4.5 | O/U 60.5

UNLV Rebels at Wyoming Cowboys

7pm | ESPNU | Wyo -9.5 | O/U 48

Houston Cougars at North Texas Mean Green

7pm | Facebook | UNT -7.5 | O/U 58.5

We’re taking gambles this evening—I wouldn’t normally choose UNLV-Wyoming, for example, unless it was in Las Vegas. But something about what Armani Rogers and Charles Williams showed in Evanston gives me hope that UNLV could come out on the front foot, hit Craig Bohl and the Cowboys in the mouth, and turn this one into a slog at Memorial Stadium.

Look, we know Ohio State-Nebraska is the marquee game. And, as opposed to the Big Ten blowout ABC is showing in the first slot of the day, this one should have points! But while I’d probably take the Buckeyes to roll, this is the first late-night, on-the-road atmosphere Justin Fields and OSU will face under Ryan Day. That’s just enough uncertainty to convince me to tune in.

Count me, also, as intrigued by the Chris Kliemann Experiment in Manhattan. The other Purple Cats rolled through their first two games, then walked into Starkvegas and saw off CLANGA with a wild fourth-quarter comeback. It’s classic Bill Snyder Ball: K-State QB Skylar Thompson only threw the ball 18 times, completing 10 for 123 years and a score, but the Wildcats remain dangerous for their ability to wear you down. Mike Gundy’s pissy enough these days with folks asking him on conference calls if internet rumors are true...I’d watch this to see what kind of meltdown we’re in for.

Watch games on Facebook, and watch Houston-North Texas. You’re welcome.

Poll

Saturday evening!

This poll is closed

  • 65%
    Buckeyes-Huskers
    (125 votes)
  • 6%
    Battle of the Southern Plains States
    (12 votes)
  • 6%
    UNLV-Wyo? I too like to party
    (12 votes)
  • 6%
    Sure, I’ll give this Face Book thing a try—ask Pat Fitzgerald which hashtag I use to find this game
    (13 votes)
  • 4%
    Other
    (9 votes)
  • 10%
    Nother
    (21 votes)
192 votes total Vote Now

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

AND OH BOY DO WE HAVE GAMES FOR YOU.

Watch That

Washington State Cougars at Utah Utes

9pm | FS1 | Utah -5.5 | O/U 57

UCLA Bruins at Arizona Wildcats

9:30pm | ESPN | AZ -6 | O/U 70.5

Hawaii Warriors at Nevada Wolf Pack

9:30pm | ESPN2 | Nev -2.5 | O/U 64.5

That’s a bingo, kids. There is nowhere, this evening, that you can go wrong—the games of last weekend and the teams making up this weekend’s games show us that.

Washington State and UCLA, who did exactly what I figured would happen for the first three quarters—the Cougars torching the Bruins defense to the tune of dozens of points and hundreds of years—then took the turn I didn’t expect (but should have!) in an historic UCLA comeback. This week, they are both in action late, and that’s enough to vault what could be a defensive standoff in Salt Lake City into “Watch That” territory. Meanwhile, UCLA and Arizona will now struggle to an 18-15 finish because I feel confident that Khalil Tate and Dorian Thompson-Robinson will put on a fucking show.

And then there’s Hawaii. And if we’ve learned something: Always watch Hawaii.

Poll

You head to the bar Saturday night, what’s on the TV?

This poll is closed

  • 46%
    ALL OF THESE GAMES.
    (75 votes)
  • 24%
    Whatever the bartender has on; you can’t go wrong!
    (39 votes)
  • 28%
    lol i passed out hours ago
    (46 votes)
160 votes total Vote Now

In part because of chitownhawkeye and in part because I’ve realized just how much I love writing this piece: If you ever do find yourself at a weird college football game—UNLV-Wyoming, Brown-Harvard, Houston-North Texas, or any parts in between—take pictures! Write a Fanpost! Just let us know where you’ll be!

I love college football for a lot of reasons, and while these days Northwestern football is not one of those reasons, it’s a community of people who enjoy really weird and dumb games like these. So thank you, Don’t Watch This, and Watch That.