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Coffee and Mailbag Answers!

Wake up! It’s football day!

Nope. Didn’t happen last night.
Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports

Good morning! I hope everyone got a great night’s sleep after watching Richmond beat the bejeezus out of Greater Western Sydney last night in the AFL Grand Finals. eh? And how about Dusty Martin? That dude is just incredible. Sadly, nothing else happened in sports last night (You’re welcome, Maryland fans. Please venmo the money to me) so we can get ready for the new week of games! And what better way than to take the dog on a quick walk, get some coffee, and chuckle at the “insight” of the “writers” on a Saturday morning? (And for the record, I have not bought the bronze rhino yet. It’s been a busy week.)

Gun to your head, your team has to hire Mick McCall, Jim Bollman, or Josh Gattis as your OC. Who do you pick? - Beckman1993

WSR: **insert Deer Hunter gif here**

MNW: I will address this question more later. But I will take Josh Gattis, in part because I am so desperate for an end to Walrus- and McCallBall that I just want #SPEEEEEDINNNNNSPAAAAAACE to come along and put me out of my misery.

pkloa: Without a doubt, Gattis. The upside in McCall and Bollman is probably no recruiting violations, but not much more. Gattis is a first year guy, he is energetic and can connect with the kids, and he should soon find himself in a better position than just Harbaugh’s Scapegoat.

Boilerman: To quote the band Saliva. “Click, Click, Boom.”

Thumpasaurus: The one that runs the ball when his team is well-suited to run the ball in the second half.

Beez: gotta go with Gattis, right? Take the unknown/yet to be determined awfulness over the sure fire awfulness every time.

Does a loss to Rutgers warrant automatic last place in the power poll for the rest of the year? - steelinnj

WSR: But what should we do if Illinois loses to Rutgers after Michigan loses to Rutgers? Huh? Did you think of that?

MNW: No, because if this season and every other prior to it is any indication, things can and will always get worse. Just wait and see.

pkloa: Miracles can happen, can happen for you. SHI Stadium, the house where dreams come true.

Boilerman: No, because said team somehow has a very good ATS record at home, so crazy shit can occasionally happen that shouldn’t but does anyways.

Thumpasaurus: The #ILLINUTGERS home team hasn’t won since 2006. Game’s in Champaign this year.

Candystripes: No, only because this feels like a year where Indiana might take that particular trip, and while I’m 100% down for “lose to Rutgers, get ranked 14th the next week,” I can’t condone anyone leaving a team there for the entire year unless they actually deserve it.

BRT: It would be worth considering, and probably would land that team in last place the following week for the ignominy of being the first conference team to lose to Rutgers in awhile. But I like redemption stories, so I wouldn’t necessarily consign that team there forever.

Beez: You have to EARN the last place vote, by which I mean “did Rutgers win? If so, did Illinois win?” If the answer yes no, Illinois gets last. Otherwise it’s Rutgers.

In what order should I show my kids the Star Wars movies: Cinematic/chronological order (IV-VI, I-III, VII-IX) or episodic order (I-IX)? - Broasted Nutcrackle

WSR: 4-5-6. And you’re done, assuming you even want to watch 6.

MNW: Never seen ‘em, don’t give a shit, roast away. Fucking nerds.

pkloa: MNW, you’ve NEVER watched any of the Star Wars movies? C’mon, nobody buys that.

MNW: Never. Nor Lord of the Rings. Fucking nerds.

pkloa: You sad bastard. Anyhow, Nutcrackle, IV and V are the most important. Enjoy their reactions, they’ll only have them once. You can continue the machete order, or just finish the OT. I recommend giving a week off before diving into any of the other movies.

Boilerman: What WSR said. I saw 1 back when I worked at a movie theatre. I’ve hated myself ever since that day.

Candystripes: I’ve only seen them in cinematic order, but might I offer you a third option, known on at least some parts of the Internet as “Rister Order”: 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9. You get the setup of the important story thread, then a quick flashback to see how {spoilers for MNW, I guess?} Anakin becomes Vader, then the conclusion of the original trilogy and back onto chronological order. Where you choose to watch Rogue One and Solo is up to you.

BRT: ANAKIN BECOMES VADER??? Thanks a lot, Candystripes. Jerk.

Just kidding. The original three are good fun, and I quite liked Ep. 7. I haven’t seen the others, and I’ve heard that’s a good thing.

Beez: I really think you go 4-5-6-1-2-3. After that, I thiiiink you go Rogue One (all the characters die lol) and Solo (remember these guys! They’re about to come back!) before you got with 7 and 8.

QUESTION:Taken from a comment in Laughing at Michigan thread: Swap two coaches in the Big Ten with the effect of improving both teams in the process. - MNWildcat

WSR: Scott Frost and Jim Harbaugh. You take the national championship pedigree of Scott Frost and help Michigan get over the hump, and you take the ability to make a team better than 4-8 of Jim Harbaugh to Nebraska to make them better than 4-8. Everyone wins!

MNW: I said Josh Gattis above, and I will definitely take the Michigan-Northwestern HC/OC/DC swap. Harbaugh at least has some familiarity with the smart school bit (even if he’d ruin Northwestern’s standards like he ruined Stanford’s), and Gattis’ playcalling suits these Northwestern players better than McCall’s does. And Fitzgerald’s stubborn commitment to Establishing The Run would fit perfectly at Michigan. This is so Michigan Man it hurts.

WSR, if the headline of this article isn’t “Swap: Harbaugh for Fitzgerald. Wouldja?” you have let me down. (WSR note: “Again.”) lol

Thumpasaurus: Lovie Smith for Jim Harbaugh. Change my mind.

Boilerman: Lovie Smith for Chris Ash. If nothing else for maximum comedic effect. (Sorry, Thump)

Beez: Take Nate Woody away from his role as one of UM’s defensive “consultants” or whatever he’s called, put him on Purdue. Give UM Purdue’s QB coach. Woody is the guy who developed App State’s really, really, really good 3-4 defense before leaving for Georgia Tech where the HC promptly got shitcanned. Give Purdue a very good 3-4 defense but a slight step back on QB development and that’s a much better team.

Which is the B1G’s best out-of-conference win this season? Iowa State, Pitt, or South Dakota State? - Hollywood Hawk Hogan

WSR: Stanfo...oh...wait. I think this isn’t a very easy question because A) we’ve all beat up a bunch of what appears to be dreck or unknown quantities and B) It’s much more fun to look at worse losses. Anyway, I’m spectacularly biased and believe that Fresno State is the 2nd-best non-conf win after tOSU’s strangulation of Cincinnati. The worst wins are wisconsin’s win over USF and tOSU’s win over Rutgers.

MNW: Damn, I did all the research and came back to find out that WSR scooped me on Cincinnati. We’ll know more about the Bearcats in the coming weeks (games at Marshall and vs. UCF), but Luke Fickell’s club is still a damn good G5 team.

Failing that, Pitt.

Boilerman: Oh, so we’re just gonna skip over Purdue’s win against Vandy, huh?

Thumpasaurus: If not for Wagner falling short against UConn, Illinois would be 2-2 with no transitive wins.

BRT: I have heard from reliable sources that Iowa State is actually quite good you guys.

Beez: At this point I have no idea. Pitt looks like a strong early contender, but winning one big game per year and sucking the rest of the way is kinda their thing. Vandy might be a good option, but they won’t win many more games. Cincinnati looked like garbage but could be legit. I’m going to go with USF.

What’s more likely – another team rushes for 200+ on Michigan this year, or another team holds them to under 50 yards rushing? Bonus question – which team ends Northwestern’s run of scoring touchdowns at home this season? - waw

WSR: Oh God. So...Michigan. Iowa, Penn State, Notre Dame, Michigan State, and Ohio State could very easily hold them under 50, and Illinois and Ohio State could rush for over 200. If I’m a Michigan fan, I find a favorite distillery (Irish Distillers) and get a chemo port to get that goodness right into the bloodstream.

MNW: We have a run of scoring touchdowns at home?

BRT: I think 200+ is more likely (if no one else, I’d imagine OSU will have a nice time). MSU and OSU seem most likely to limit Michigan’s rushing yards.

Beez: OSU could run for 200+, but I think OSU will do OSU things and instead throw 75 times in a row and win by 100. Maryland’s got the guys to get to 200+ in like 10 carries. A whole mess of teams could hold them under 50 rushing, but I say only ND and MSU do it.

How much fun was it watching Michigan get stomped into the dirt?

A. A lot of fun

B. Side splitting laughter fun

c. ALL THE FUN! - bucksfan92

WSR: This was catestrophic and I hope everyone that enjoyed it is happy with the fact that there are fat dumb wisconsin fans out there waking up happy in the vomit piles. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE, MICHIGAN! LOOK AT IT!

MNW: It was bad only because of the team administering it.

pkloa: If I could be completely unbiased for just a moment… lol, fuck Michigan.

Boilerman: It was pretty damn fun until I realized that I was going to get screwed on the under thanks to Wisconsin being unable to defend a 2-point conversion.

Candystripes: A lot of fun, to be sure, but I would much prefer seeing it happen again around about November 23rd.

BRT: A lot of fun, though it made me super sad we don’t play them this year and instead have OSU for like the 7th year in a row. Still, always nice seeing other teams have embarrassing losses, since my team puts me through that on the reg.

Beez: It was great! It was a stressful day for me for non-football reasons, and it was awesome to see Wisconsin coast to victory.