Weekly Mailbag Responses: Football breakfast edition?

Right, terribly sorry. Getting used to a new schedule due to a newish job and some new family dynamics (The youngest started Kindergarten on Wednesday, among other things) has caused some adventures recently, but I just look at that as the opportunity to give you early risers something to chuckle at while waiting for the coffee maker to finish doing it’s thing. Enjoy the games today, and we’ll be back to ask more questions tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe it’ll even give you the opportunity to ask us if it’s time to talk to our children about an undefeated Rutgers (It won’t be, but there’s still a couple more hours where you can dream.)

What is the proper way to dispose of a miserable offensive coordinator without running afoul of the board of health or homeowners association? – HistoriCat

DR: Take him to lunch a the Red Fox? Don’t try the ground beef.

MNW: Put him on the field and roll him out against his throwing hand behind a backup left tackle. See how he fucking likes it.

Candystripes: Encourage him to think about his life beyond the field; maybe subtly imply that retirement isn’t really an ending, just a new beginning that he should start exploring as soon as possible. You know, the Debord way.

BRT: Put him on Facebook Marketplace?

Jesse: I think we sold Tim Beck to Ohio State who sold him to Texas so… it can be done?

Ray: Listen kid, we deal wit these problems all the time. You just drop him off with me and my cousin Vinnie and we’ll take care of it, no questions asked. Now, this might mean that at some point in the hypothetical future I may come to ask of you a hypothetical favor, but you understan right? Just let us handle it capiche?

Boilerman: Ever see the movie Snatch? “Hence the expression, ‘As greedy as a pig.’”

GF3: Send him to Washington. Incompetence raises no eyebrows there.

Beez: The last O Coordinator I remember Wisconsin having by name is Matt Canada, and I think he kinda bounced around to a bunch of surprising jobs after? I may be thinking of someone else, but whichever one tried the Danny O’ Brien experiment was bad.

Townie: Sock full of bb’s to the noggin, wire ankles to cinder blocks, drop off a cliff into Bellefonte quarry.

...What? I’m Italian.

WSR: You send them to Penn State to be their OL coach. That’s what everyone does, right?

When is the last time that your team trailed by a field goal with eight minutes left...and yet you knew that was an insurmountable margin? Asking for a friend. – GTOM

BrianB2: I know the answer everyone expects is “every game Maryland plays”, but honestly, our porous defense hasn’t really led to very many games in which we only trailed by a field goal in the fourth quarter in recent seasons. I cannot think of one specific game to fit the mold, but, to me the 2004 Maryland Terrapins football squad comes to mind. We were coming off three-consecutive seasons of 10-plus wins. We had a defense that sported future NFLers Shawne Merriman, Dominique Foxwroth, Jon Condo, D’Qwell Jackson, and Josh Wilson. A special teams core of Nick Novak, Adam Podlesh and crowd-favorite Steve Suter. Hell, we even had Vernon Davis. BUT, with QB Joel Statham taking the snaps we ended up 5-6, with some of the following scores:

(L) 16-19 at #7 West Virginia

(L) 7-20 vs Georgia Tech

(L) 3-13 vs. NC State

(L) 7-10 at Clemson

(L) 0-16 at #12 Virginia

Needless to say the offense was hot garbage. Hey, we did beat Florida State that year though. Silver linings baby.

MNW: Well, before that fucking debacle, it was actually when Northwestern was last ahead by 17 points against Michigan. You knew the whole. fucking. time. that the ol’ Irish duo of Paddy and Mick were gonna sit on the ball and hope Michigan couldn’t score 20 points. AND GUESS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED.

BRT: It’s been awhile, I think. At least in recent years, Nebraska has often been able to score. Their big problem has been that the OTHER team has also been able to score… a lot. So I can’t remember the last time I felt like 3 points was insurmountable. However, I can remember many where 20+ point leads didn’t feel particularly safe.

Jesse: Piggy-backing off this idea, I think the last time I’ve actually felt like this is 2009 when we devolved from TAYLOR MARTINEZ THE GOD to oh… oh we’re really doing this again. Speaking of Offensive Coordinators I wanted to see fired, hello Shawn Watson.

Ray: I’m not sure you understand what it’s like to follow Rutgers football in the 2010’s.

Boilerman: Hazell era, look it up. I’ve got a liver to destroy.

GF3: Closest I can think was 1996, when the accursed Wolverines won 13-9.

Beez: Probably the NCAA Championship Game against Duke a few years ago. About halfway through the second half it was clear Wisconsin wasn’t going to win, even though the game remained very close.

Townie: UVA, 2012. Sam Ficken missed four field goals...one from 20 yards. We lost to ficken Virginia 17-16. That one still sucks.

WSR: Any time Jerry Kill was in a close game, I was nervous. His approach to offense after the NDSU loss in his 3rd game was “PLEASE DON’T LET ME PEE MYSELF AGAIN” and I hated it.

Since the basement isn’t as bare for the start of this season:

How far does Illinois take this success before running head first into an immovable object? (And how does beating Akron this year help them fare against NW later on, after NW’s loss to Akron last season, at home)

How long does it take Rutgers in week 2 to have more YARDS gained, than week 1 POINTS scored? When does RU score 35+ points again this season (if at all)?

Bonus: Did week one kill #ACWTBTWEI? – Lions_Tigers_Wings_Oh_MI

MNW: I think it just made it #ACWTBTWEIMNP.

Eastern Michigan struggled to put away Coastal Carolina on Saturday, so unless they really impress against a Kentucky team that needed time to rev up against Toledo, Illinois should continue to walk. That means they won’t meet an immovable force until their October 12 date with the Michigan defense.

Dear God. We might need to talk to our kids about Illinois.

BRT: I don’t know how long Illinois sustains this happy streak, but it makes me excited for Infographics this year. I also really like the “Lovie with swagger” gif I posted on Monday, and I’d enjoy using that for a few more weeks.

Jesse: Illinois seems like an early season chaos-team candidate. I’m good with that. As for Rutgers, just feel good about a win and know that anything is possible when you play awful teams.

Ray: Both teams will be undefeated for Illinutgers. Lock it in!

GF3: I have spent the last 5 years of SMCD trying to say as little as possible about Illinois. I ain’t answering questions about them now.

Beez: It doesn’t take Illinois far at all, but good for them! Who does Rutgers play, Iowa State? That team needed triple overtime against an FCS team, so Rutgers will either hang tough or get blown out. Bonus: That dumb acronym should have died before week one. Minnesota was never going to win the West, and anyone who wasn’t a Minnesota fan or a Wisconsin/Iowa hater could see that right away.

Townie: rutger and illinios win one game each and we are suddenly optimists? Reality will send them crashing to earth shortly.

WSR: Illinois could very be 4-0 when the P.J. Fleck ROWvenge tour hits, since we still don’t know a ton about Illinois or Nebraska. And what if everything is weird and stupid and we suddenly get 5-0 Illinois on Gameday on 10/12 against in Ann Arbor? Have we all prepared for that? We live in the dumbest world in 2019, and that feels like it could be perfect. For Rutgers, it’s a coinflip between “Well on the first drive, dummy” and “3 drives after Epenesa takes his shoulder pads off.” I’m inclined to lean toward the latter just due to trust issues. And no, there’s nothing from last weekend that should lead anyone to get rid of #ACWNBTWEI. Just like investing is a long-term game, betting on B1G futures isn’t for the weak that get mudguts after just one little market hiccup. Purdue hasn’t played a B1G team yet. Minnesota doesn’t have any more Top-5 teams on their schedule. Nebraska won’t have to worry about getting mauled by cats again until the beginning of October. Plenty of time for everyone to do what they need to for this fall, including wisconsin.

Who are the best/worst college football announcers? – Tigersfan313

pkloa: Best is the crowd when the home team crosses the goal line, or when the defense desperately needs a stop. Worst is that drunk guy two rows behind you griping about every run that doesn’t go more than three yards.

BrianB2: I have never been one to come down hard on sub-par sports commentary. As long as they don’t let Dick Vitale start calling games, I think I’ll be alright.

Dead Read: There are some entire networks that are best viewed muted. I offer CBSSN as an example. I generally like BTN and ESPN - but if I get irritated, I just mute the announcers and follow stats online.

MNW: This is baiting a Beth Mowins/Pam Ward/Lisa Byington response, right?

Dead Read: Probably. I like Byington. Ward and Mowins are better than anything on CBSSN.

BRT: I think they’re all pretty trite and annoying, aren’t they? That said, I don’t really get that into announcers, and find it interesting when people are able to tell who is announcing a game. It’s just a part of a game that holds no interest for me at all.

Except Brett Musberger. I don’t know what became of him, but dude is creepy AF. (Boilerman note: He does radio PBP for the Oakland / Soon to be Las Vegas Raiders and hosts a nightly radio program on sports betting.)

Jesse: I’m not an announcer hater because look… they have them and games are long as hell. You try actually filling remotely interesting dialogue between interminable pauses between plays and baffling stoppages. Especially Week 1. It’s nonsense and you know what? They’re all fine.

Boilerman: Eh, announcers are who they are. Bob Davie was probably amongst the worst.

GF3: My biggest gripe is the shouting of meaningless phrases, so of the current iteration it’s probably Gus Johnson for me. People really hate Joey Galloway but I thought he and Beth Mowins made a pretty good team. The worst, forever and always, is Musburger the f’n unapologetic creep.

Beez: The best is Gus Johnson, when something legit exciting happens. The worst is Gus Johnson, when something utterly pedestrian happens. Or Brent Musburger. Oh and Future Tony Romo is the best CFB announcer.

Townie: I miss Keith Jackson. /sad trombone for old guys.

WSR: Keith Jackson was the best, and it is still a treat whenever you to Youtube to dig up the 1995 matchup between Nebraska and Glen Mason’s Kansas (FOR REASONS, I ASSURE YOU) and are greeted by his dulcet tones. In terms of current announcers, I’m pretty happy I don’t have to deal with many since I’m at games more weekends than I’m not and I keep the batteries in my remote charged so I don’t have to worry about the mute button not working while some inane prattle about Kirk Ferentz’s kids or Barry Alvarez starts falling out of an announcer’s mouth.

Which week 1 winner will have the worst loss in week 2? Which week 1 loser will have the best win in week 2? Explain your answers. – theguyfromy-wega

BrianB2: Well, for the second part of that question, isn’t Purdue literally my only option. So yes, Purdue, after losing hilariously last week, might squeak past the mighty Commodores this week. I could see Rutgers, Maryland, Nebraska and Minnesota losing this week, “worst” in terms of point-differential will almost definitely be Rutgers (or Maryland). “Worst” in terms of “ouch that stings” is almost definitely Minnesota (or Nebraska). Also, if the Illini allow the fightin’ Edsalls to take them down, I might suffer a stroke from aggressive laughter.

MNW: Well, apparently the Maryland-Syracuse line has flipped (God knows that could change by tomorrow), so I’m thinking it’d be Maryland, since our only other options are probably Minnesota or Nebraska. If I’m picking one of those three, give me Maryland--the Syracuse passing game isn’t ironed out yet (QB Tommy DeVito was unimpressive against Liberty), but three Orange RBs nabbed touchdowns against Liberty, Moe Neal could be pretty damn good, and I’m not on board with a bottom-half Maryland rush defense being that turned around just yet.

As far as Week 1 losers...could former Balls Tate signal-caller Riley Neal get the Commodores back on track after Georgia’s defense obliterated them? I don’t know that I’m willing to take an early-season Purdue that’s making these bone-headed losses a recurring theme under Jeff Brohm.

GF3: Call me the eternal pessimist but man, I think UC is just primed to shatter Ohio State’s season this week. There’s no reason FAU should’ve marched down the field on OSU like that, but here we are. I think Fickell is dangerous.

Beez: Fickle is Einhorn and Einhorn is Fickle. Maryland will have the worst loss. Minnesota fans were losers in week 1, and every week, honestly, but they’ll have a good win this week.

WSR: It’s Rutgers by default here. They have to travel to Iowa City, and that trip sucks even when you’re as close as the Twin Cities. Good luck, don’t get rabies from any of the locals, and I hope you can get out as fast as possible. And the biggest loser that becomes a winner this weekend is Northwestern. Good luck in your matchup against the Evanston police, and I hope we only get a few humorous updates.

Which one single loss most haunts your program’s fanbase? You know, the one where even now, years later, you get a sick feeling in your stomach when you think of it? - travesty

BrianB2: This would perhaps be a better question for the previous generation of Maryland football fans, but 2002 at Virginia sticks in my mind. A win would have pretty much secured us our second straight ACC Championship, we went down to Charlottesville and laid an egg, losing 48-13. It haunts to think we never got the chance to get blown out in the Orange Bowl by Carson Palmer and the USC Trojans. Beating Ohio State last year woulda been funny too.

DR: I am sure the schadenfreude will be delicious (for some) should Nebby lose - which is a distinct possibility.

MNW: This Mailbag fucking sucked.

Candystripes:

Boilerman: For making me think of such memories:

GF3: Michigan State, 1998. Still devastating.

Beez: Either of the hail mary losses during the Russel Wilson year were pretty rough. The Penn State CCG loss was brutal, if only because Wisconsin started SO WELL. The real answer is a tie between the Final Four loss to Kentucky and the Natty loss to Duke.

Townie: 6-4. Fuck you Iowa.

WSR: 2003 Michigan. The answer is always 2003 Michigan. The number of contenders is vast and varies and entertaining to others, but it’s 2003 Michigan.