Well, after the relatively smooth sailing of Week One (sorry Purdue), Week Two in the Big Ten yielded quite a bit more BUFFoonery for Big Ten teams. Purdue bounced back, Minnesota avoided disaster, and Illinois is 2-0. But Nebraska? Rutgers? Michigan (no, the end result doesn’t save you, Wolverines)? This weekend was not auspicious, and your fans are probably not feeling super great right now for good reason.
However, no matter your team, if you like tartiness and stupidity, this week was an early-season gold mine. Welcome to the silly, the stupid, and the downright strange of Week Two—mostly in the Big Ten, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t check in on our friends from Knoxville, wouldn’t we?
On Lacking On-Field Awareness, Part I: Purdue Edition
Purdue may have won their game this week and washed the bad taste of Reno out of their mouths (realized how bad that sounded after I typed it, but I’m going to let it ride), but that doesn’t mean they were content to simply not appear in this feature! What landed them here this week? Take a gander at this bad boy:
Purdue QB Sindelar almost got a safety for intentional grounding... because he lined up behind the left guard instead of the center!! pic.twitter.com/2enjufLQoh— Chris B. Brown (@smartfootball) September 7, 2019
This is not a good look for a Power Five quarterback at any time, but it’s especially damnable for a fifth-year senior. Luckily for Sindelar, he was able to narrowly avert disaster, and a win means that this one may eventually fade from fans’ memories. May.
On Taking Your #7 Ranking and Really Showing the World What You’ve Got
As you’ve possibly already heard, Michigan nearly faced the upset of the year when Army refused to bow to their greatness and instead made them play for the entire damn game and two overtimes. Michigan was pretty pleased with themselves for the big win:
Michigan celebrating like they just won the Super Bowl...— Unnecessary Roughness (@UnnecRoughness) September 7, 2019
However, others were less impressed with the Big Win in the Big House:
Jim Harbaugh calling plays: pic.twitter.com/fL1p55AN2v— The Dawgzilla (@TheDawgzilla) September 7, 2019
It was probably the outcome we as a nation deserved right now, but goodness... it wasn’t what the vast majority of us wanted.
On Redefining Fugly
Michigan State has been a bit boring for a couple of years now. Boasting a stifling defense, but lacking, more or less, any offense at all, they’ve not been a particularly thrilling team to watch. Rather than fix this through typical attempts at offensive innovation, the fine folks in East Lansing chose a different way to spice things up—namely, by sporting arguably the worst uniforms to ever grace the sport of football:
Some social media guru here went a little bananas on the filter here, which maybe made it look even worse, but if you happened to flip to this game, you saw that it was a scorcher of retinas even without color correction. What’s worse, it appears this is a look that MSU is really committed to, and it’s even spread to the band:
Given that this look corresponded to MSU having an offense for the first time in recent memory, we suspect this won’t be the last time we see this unfortunate look. This is who you are now, Spartans, God help us all.
On Predictions, Poor
Perhaps we’re being a bit hard on Jim McElwain. After all, no matter how unlikely the odds, you have to prop your guys up, to give them the benefit of the doubt, and public backing. However, there is an art to this, and McElwain may do well to study the fine art of coach speak a little more closely, because this:
... did not age well.
Ironically, the coach who made this look so silly is VERY good at saying nothing at all in his press interactions, and may be just the mentor for him as he begins this journey.
On Melting Down Spectacularly In Front of the Home Crowd
I probably could have written all of Fall’s Tarts on this one game, so great was the number of ways this went sideways for the Huskers over the final seventeen minutes and one overtime of this game. Suffice to say, Nebraska took a near-home field advantage and a late-game 17-point lead and absolutely destroyed it in the most dramatic and unnecessary ways possible.
GAME. CHANGER.— Pac-12 Network (@Pac12Network) September 7, 2019
Just want the doctor ordered.
Folsom Field has been a nightmare for Nebraska on a number of occasions (though on one memorable occasion in the mid-2000s, it was the other way around, as the game had to be stopped while an entire section of trash-flinging CU students was evicted), including the Game that Broke Nebraska Football in 2001. This game was probably not at all tarty and super fun to watch if you didn’t have a horse in the race (or were a Colorado fan), but from a Husker perspective, it doesn’t get a lot more pucker-inducing than this.
On Checking In With Our Friends in Knoxville
After last week’s stunning and tarty loss to Georgia State, Tennessee fans no doubt engaged in the serious business of deep soul-searching and self-reflection for which they are known the nation over.
For most of the game, it seemed like the Vols were going to have themselves a nice bounceback, and most of the Twitter lamentations emanated from the keyboards of distraught, but very polite, men who have at some point completed a mission trip. But then... Tennessee happened, once again, and suddenly, somehow, it was a game again in OT.
As you may have predicted, Tennessee lost.
I don’t know how else to put it. We are cursed— Brett Kendrick (@B_Ken63) September 8, 2019
Brett, that might actually be true. I don’t know what to tell you.
On Lacking On-Field Awareness, Part II: Florida State Edition
I don’t know the context of this, and I don’t care, because the visual is worth a thousand words:
The current state of Florida State football summed up in one picture. pic.twitter.com/7fLROn1kBB— George Wrighster III (@georgewrighster) September 8, 2019
I’m 99% sure that ULM player at the top there is thinking “Da fuq?”
On Reliving the Very Worst Thing About the Year 2000
In 1999, everyone was very concerned about Y2K, the fear that computers would grow confused as the date switched from “99” to “00.” The computers were fine, and so was everyone else, and when I told my (college) students about this last spring, they thought it was hilarious, and also probably that I was lying. No, dear students, it was true. It was a simpler time.
What the world really should have been fearing about the new millennium (besides the coming of age of World’s Worst Generation and Slayers of Beloved Social Institutions) was the release on July 26, 2000 of quite possibly the worst song in human history: “Who Let the Dawgs Out?”
Anyway, in the wee hours of the morn, as Minnesota battled the Bulldogs of Fresno State, CBS Sports Network, in its wisdom, chose to air this song at a commercial break. I believe someone needs to be in jail for this.
Should someone be in jail for playing "Who Let the Dawgs Out?" in 2019?
This poll is closed
I also advocate jail.
Oh, and there was a commercial for catheters that attracted a great deal of discussion among your “writers,” first, because it said the word “catheter” approximately every four seconds, and second, because we learned there are far more types of pocket catheters than we ever dreamed possible (travel! pre-lubed!) We may not watch games, but we are HERE for a good educational commercial in between shots of Peej losing his shit on the sidelines.
Anyway, it was a fruitful week! Tell me what I missed in the comments!
Which tart reigned supreme in Week Two?
This poll is closed
Purdue’s QB Lining Up Behind Left Guard
Michigan Showing Us Top Ten Quality
MSU Discovers the Secret of the Ooze, Decides to Wear It
Jim McElwain Underestimates the Situation
Nebraska’s Mile-High Meltdown
Tennessee’s Continued Exploration of the Concept of Karma
Florida State’s Profound Confusion
CBS Sports ft. Dawgs and Catheters