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There is Big Ten basketball this week. Some of it will be played by a team that I like! They will probably lose. Most of it will be played by teams I do not like! I hope they all lose, too.
The Big Ten—0-14 in mid-week play! Here’s how it’ll happen:
Tuesday, January 21
#17 Maryland Terrapins at Northwestern Wildcats
6pm | FS1 | MD -7.5 | O/U 127
Maryland: Loses when Mark Turgeon tries to rotate in his entire bench at the under-12 of the first half. Anthony Cowan Jr. sits the entire second half due to a clerical error, and Northwestern plays five-on-four.
Northwestern: Still cannot shoot the three, Ryan Young probably due for a game where he forgets to tie his shoes or something.
Poll
Who loses?
#21 Illinois Fighting Illini at Purdue Boilermakers
6pm | ESPNU | Purdue -5.5 | O/U 127.5
Illinois: Loses because I’m not convinced they’re actually all that good. Giorgi Bezhanishvili tears his left bicep flexing after a made eight-foot jumper, is lost for the season.
Purdue: More of spiritual losers when you think about it.
Poll
Who loses?
Nebraska Cornhuskers at Wisconsin Badgers
8pm | BTN | wisc -15.5 | O/U 131
Nebraska: Loses because they are not a very good team.
But Thorir Thorbjarnarson wins, as do I, because I can finally spell his name without spell check.
wisconsin: Losers at life. Also fuck the Packers.
Poll
Who loses?
This poll is closed
-
41%
Nebraska
(34 votes) -
8%
wisconsin
(7 votes) -
49%
yes
(40 votes)
Penn State Nittany Lions at Michigan Wolverines
6pm | BTN | Mich -4.5 | O/U 147.5
Penn State: Easy. They lose because it finally comes out that Mike Watkins is actually 32, he’s ruled ineligible, Jon Teske eats John Harrar alive in the post. Like, actually eats him. Not with a knife and fork, because those haven’t come to the Kleine Feldhofer Grotte yet, but by building a rudimentary fire and roasting him over it.
Michigan: Loses because I’m pretty sure that’s a crime.
Poll
Who loses?
#24 Rutgers Scarlet Knights at #19 Iowa Hawkeyes
8pm | BTN | Iowa -5.5 | O/U 138
Rutgers:
Iowa: After a made three Luka Garza blows a kiss to the crowd, but accidentally blows it to Joe Wieskamp’s girlfriend. Disunion strikes the Hawkeye bench and Ryan Kriener leaves the team to pursue his true calling as a middle school PE teacher.
Poll
Who loses?
Thursday, January 23
Minnesota Gophers at Ohio State Buckeyes
5:30pm | FS1
Minnesota: Road teams in the Big Ten are not very good at winning games, I hear. I see no reason that shouldn’t continue.
Ohio State: Free-fall continues as it turns out Daniel Oturu and Kaleb Wesson are actually a matter-antimatter duo. They cancel each other out and Columbus is sucked into a micro-black hole. Damage is estimated in the tens of dollars.
Poll
Who loses?
#11 Michigan State Spartans at Indiana Hoosiers
7:30pm | FS1
Michigan State: After the game is listed on the schedule as “1/23/20”, Indiana does that thing all your boomer aunts are warning you about on Facebook and writes in “19” after the 20 to make it look like this game is played in 2019. Accordingly, Michigan State inexplicably loses to Indiana.
Indiana: Shoots bad, loses. Pretty much IU’s MO these days.
Poll
Who loses?
Full Schedule
Poll
Was this all a ruse so MNW could vote for Northwestern for a change?
Here’s your open thread for the week’s basketball. Usual rules apply. Behave.