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Big Ten Mid-January Doldrums: Why your team will lose this week

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Eeyore previews the week in Big Ten basketball.

NCAA Basketball: Indiana at Nebraska Bruce Thorson-USA TODAY Sports

There is Big Ten basketball this week. Some of it will be played by a team that I like! They will probably lose. Most of it will be played by teams I do not like! I hope they all lose, too.

The Big Ten—0-14 in mid-week play! Here’s how it’ll happen:

Tuesday, January 21

#17 Maryland Terrapins at Northwestern Wildcats

6pm | FS1 | MD -7.5 | O/U 127

Maryland: Loses when Mark Turgeon tries to rotate in his entire bench at the under-12 of the first half. Anthony Cowan Jr. sits the entire second half due to a clerical error, and Northwestern plays five-on-four.

Northwestern: Still cannot shoot the three, Ryan Young probably due for a game where he forgets to tie his shoes or something.

Poll

Who loses?

This poll is closed

  • 11%
    Maryland
    (6 votes)
  • 88%
    Northwestern
    (47 votes)
53 votes total Vote Now

#21 Illinois Fighting Illini at Purdue Boilermakers

6pm | ESPNU | Purdue -5.5 | O/U 127.5

Illinois: Loses because I’m not convinced they’re actually all that good. Giorgi Bezhanishvili tears his left bicep flexing after a made eight-foot jumper, is lost for the season.

Purdue: More of spiritual losers when you think about it.

Poll

Who loses?

This poll is closed

  • 60%
    Illinois
    (32 votes)
  • 39%
    Purdue
    (21 votes)
53 votes total Vote Now

Nebraska Cornhuskers at Wisconsin Badgers

8pm | BTN | wisc -15.5 | O/U 131

Nebraska: Loses because they are not a very good team.

But Thorir Thorbjarnarson wins, as do I, because I can finally spell his name without spell check.

wisconsin: Losers at life. Also fuck the Packers.

Poll

Who loses?

This poll is closed

  • 41%
    Nebraska
    (34 votes)
  • 8%
    wisconsin
    (7 votes)
  • 49%
    yes
    (40 votes)
81 votes total Vote Now

Penn State Nittany Lions at Michigan Wolverines

6pm | BTN | Mich -4.5 | O/U 147.5

Penn State: Easy. They lose because it finally comes out that Mike Watkins is actually 32, he’s ruled ineligible, Jon Teske eats John Harrar alive in the post. Like, actually eats him. Not with a knife and fork, because those haven’t come to the Kleine Feldhofer Grotte yet, but by building a rudimentary fire and roasting him over it.

Michigan: Loses because I’m pretty sure that’s a crime.

Poll

Who loses?

This poll is closed

  • 64%
    Penn State
    (98 votes)
  • 35%
    Michigan
    (55 votes)
153 votes total Vote Now

#24 Rutgers Scarlet Knights at #19 Iowa Hawkeyes

8pm | BTN | Iowa -5.5 | O/U 138

Rutgers:

Iowa: After a made three Luka Garza blows a kiss to the crowd, but accidentally blows it to Joe Wieskamp’s girlfriend. Disunion strikes the Hawkeye bench and Ryan Kriener leaves the team to pursue his true calling as a middle school PE teacher.

Poll

Who loses?

This poll is closed

  • 54%
    Rutgers
    (117 votes)
  • 45%
    Iowa
    (98 votes)
215 votes total Vote Now

Thursday, January 23

Minnesota Gophers at Ohio State Buckeyes

5:30pm | FS1

Minnesota: Road teams in the Big Ten are not very good at winning games, I hear. I see no reason that shouldn’t continue.

Ohio State: Free-fall continues as it turns out Daniel Oturu and Kaleb Wesson are actually a matter-antimatter duo. They cancel each other out and Columbus is sucked into a micro-black hole. Damage is estimated in the tens of dollars.

Poll

Who loses?

This poll is closed

  • 63%
    Minnesota
    (111 votes)
  • 36%
    Ohio State
    (63 votes)
174 votes total Vote Now

#11 Michigan State Spartans at Indiana Hoosiers

7:30pm | FS1

Michigan State: After the game is listed on the schedule as “1/23/20”, Indiana does that thing all your boomer aunts are warning you about on Facebook and writes in “19” after the 20 to make it look like this game is played in 2019. Accordingly, Michigan State inexplicably loses to Indiana.

Indiana: Shoots bad, loses. Pretty much IU’s MO these days.

Poll

Who loses?

This poll is closed

  • 30%
    Michigan State
    (53 votes)
  • 69%
    Indiana
    (120 votes)
173 votes total Vote Now

Full Schedule

Poll

Was this all a ruse so MNW could vote for Northwestern for a change?

This poll is closed

  • 100%
    Yes
    (115 votes)
115 votes total Vote Now

Here’s your open thread for the week’s basketball. Usual rules apply. Behave.