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Why the hell is Minnesota ranked? Offering solutions to the AP Poll’s mistakes.

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For that matter, get Michigan outta there. Lock up USC.

NCAA Football: Wisconsin at Minnesota Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

Some college football teams have played four games already, while others have played zero! That’s crazy, right?

It’s led to some weird, fever-dream type stuff where I have to type phrases like “#5 North Carolina Tar Heels” in a non-basketball context. Where I have to type “#7 Oklahoma State Cowboys” in...well, any context, really. Where Cincinnati is a Top-10 team!

No, really! They could be anywhere between 4 and 8 right now!

The further down the Top 25 you go, though, the weirder it gets—#17 SMU Mustangs, #22 Kansas State Wildcats, #21 Louisiana Ragin Cajuns. Marshall is clocking in at #26, everyone.

The scheduled resumption of Big Ten and Pac-12 conferences, though, has ruined some of this weirdness and penalized teams who have been (dangerously) resuming their seasons and, if you can believe this, winning games! You see, the AP Poll removed—and then reintroduced—from the polls teams who would normally be ranked like Ohio State, wisconsin, Penn State, and presumably at least one Pac-12 team, to the benefit and then dismay of teams who tumbled out of the Top 25.

That shouldn’t have happened.

Minnesota hasn’t done shit; they’re out.

Michigan? What’s the fucking point, you guys? They’re going to go 9-3 and lose to Ohio State. Stop giving them a gold star for beating Notre Dame. That’s their job.

Instead, we provide your tired::wired ranking replacement for each erroneously ranked Big Ten and Pac-12 school, providing a replacement for the AP Poll.

OUT: #25 USC Trojans

  • Key wins: NONE

IN: Boston College Eagles

  • Key wins: vs. Texas State, 24-21

We’re just easing you in here, guys.

OUT: #24 Minnesota Golden Gophers

  • Key wins: NONE

IN: Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (3-0)

  • Key wins: at Kansas, 38-23

Coastal Carolina went on the road, in the non-conference, against a Power 5 team, and won.

I cannot name the last time Minnesota did that.

QED: Unrank Minnesota. Rank the Chants, you cowards.

OUT: #19 Michigan Wolverines

  • Key wins: NONE

IN: UCF Knights (2-1)

  • Key wins: at Georgia Tech, 49-21; at East Carolina Pirates, 51-28
  • Key losses: at should-be-ranked Tulsa (see below)

A high-flying offense. A national championship in the last decade.

That’s more than Michigan can say.

OUT: #16 Wisconsin Badgers

  • Bad losses: Any remaining shred of respectability at an inability to convince Keith from Beaver Dam to wear a mask and stay out of Fuddruckers

IN: Tulsa Golden Hurricane (1-1)

Tulsa deserves a reward for playing teams ranked #11 closer than any other team in the county (MOV-vs-#11: -1 pt).

Rank the Golden Hurricane.

OUT: #9 Penn State Nittany Lions (0-0)

  • Key wins: NONE

IN: N.C. State Wolfpack (3-1)

  • Key victories: they probably have some!

The Wolfpack deserve consideration here...a loss to ranked Virginia Tech? A one-point win over Pitt? PITT?!

Hey, that’s one more win over Pitt in 2020 than Penn State has. CHECKMATE, LIB.

OUT: #6 Ohio State (0-0)

  • Bad losses: lumped in with Nebraska over #LetThemPlay—you don’t want to be associated with losers, Ryan Day!

IN: Marshall Thundering Herd (2-0)

Dispute these rankings in the comments. You’ll be wrong, but you can dispute them. That’s because this is a free, tongue-in-cheek football blog and you’re still an idiot.

ALSO, THERE’S FOOTBALL TONIGHT:

[#24] Coastal Carolina Chanticleers at #21 Louisiana Ragin Cajuns

6:30pm | ESPN | UL -7.5 | O/U 57

Here’s your open thread.

Rank the Chants, you cowards.