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Pre-Season Power Poll: Bachelorette Contestants

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Who will get the final rose (bowl)?

A note from BRT:

The Power Poll is back!!!

Even though each of these takes about a thousand years to write (you’re welcome), I truly love writing them. I also wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to write them this year. That’s not only because we weren’t sure if football was going to happen, but this year has been so damn bleak, I was skeptical I’d be able to muster up humor about something trivial. Hats off to comedians this year, who have kept us laughing through 2020 - it’s not an easy thing to do, but it is, I think, very necessary.

As it turned out, it was fun to write this frivolity again, and if it’s not quite up to my normal standards, I hope you’ll understand. I also hope you’ll enjoy it and that it puts at least a small smirk on your face—because these Bachelorette contestants are BAD, you guys.

Thanks, as always, for reading.

The Bachelorette is back, at a weird time of year, because like everything else, it was disrupted by Covid. This has proved a rich storyline for the “writers” of the show, because they managed to squeeze almost an hour out of “people getting Covid tested and quarantined at a deserted hotel so they could go on a reality dating show” and you have to admire that kind of resourcefulness. This year’s Bachelorette (or at least the first one… there’s going to be drama!) is a familiar face in The Franchise, but her biggest storyline this year is SHE’S 39 YEARS OLD. Yes, Clare, a woman over 30, nay, over 35! is not only searching for love, but seems to believe she deserves to find it, lol. The fact that she’s a smoking hot 39-year-old isn’t relevant, because instead, we’re going to be hearing a lot more about the fact that she is 39. In Bachelor years, a 39-year-old woman is equivalent to:

  • 534 dog years
  • If Tom Brady was 93 and still playing football
  • Two Methuselahs

It is a damned miracle that she can walk without a cane.

Anyway, ABC has come to the rescue of this superannuated woman by providing a lineup of 20- and 30-something dickweeds. Your team, it has to be said, closely resembles one of these dickweeds. Will it be the one who has been sliding into a LOT of DMs? The one who thinks liking pancakes is a super unique brag? The “male grooming specialist”? Read on to find out!

(Thanks to WhiteSpeedReceiver for putting together the graphs!)

Ohio State (#1) - Bennett

(High: 1 Low: 1 First Place Votes: 13)

We get it, you have chest hair and everything.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (from ABC):

Bennett says he is the total package. Handsome? Check. Great job? Check. Mature and ready to find his wife? Check! So why is he single, you may be wondering? According to Bennett, he hasn’t always been “this successful and good looking.” Bennett grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, and attended Harvard where he says he finally grew into himself. Now, Bennett works as a financial planner in New York City where his life has become everything young Bennett ever wanted. He enjoys taking morning yoga classes, walking the High Line in his favorite Belgian loafers and indulging in delicious meals in the city’s best restaurants. According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he’s ever had to work for. Since then, it’s always been women pursuing him, but now he’s ready for a change and is excited to go on the chase for the woman of his dreams.

“Why is he single, you may be wondering?” I am not wondering, actually. It’s because he’s a giant dick. Not “he has a giant dick” which is a separate and non-negative feature, but he IS a giant dick. Also a giant dick? THE Ohio State University football team. I mean, sure they’re “successful and good looking” in that Alamy stock photo kind of way, but FFS, get over yourself. Bennett showed up on the first night of the show in a Rolls Royce and wore a scarf all night while drinking martinis, because he thinks he is literally James Bond. While I doubt anyone from Ohio could actually pull that off, Bennett didn’t really pull it off either, and in any event, the smug factor definitely matches any given Buckeye fan. OSU and Bennett both believe that everyone has the hots for them all the time, and you know what? ... they might be right. On paper, both are a great catch—who among us would not love to lose 1-2 games a year, max? The success may have made OSU into a great catch the rest of us would be proud to call our own, but it has also made OSU into a giant toolbag. Congrats.

Penn State (#2) - Yosef

(H: 2 L: 3)

Fun fact: the color of this shirt is officially called “Old Bra.”
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Yosef was married at 24 and had his daughter, Zara, soon after. Although it didn’t work out with Zara’s mom, they’re on good terms co-parenting Zara together. Yosef’s ex-wife remarried in February, and while he is happy for her, he says now it’s his turn to find love. When Yosef isn’t spending time with the 4-year-old light of his life, he is cooking, hanging with his friends and frequenting the local dance clubs. Yosef has been told he talks to too much (more than once), but he hopes to find someone that loves his enthusiasm and zest for life. Above all, he wants to find someone who will be an amazing stepmother to Zara. He says, “I am successful, intelligent, have my life together and I am extremely hard working.” He’s looking for someone to love and cherish his child and him equally… and according to Yosef, you would not believe how hard that is to find. Will this be the end of Yosef’s search? Fingers crossed!

- Yosef has never been wine tasting and hopes to visit a vineyard in Napa one day.

- As a kid, Yosef loved his Velcro sneakers.

- One day, Yosef wants to own a home in Egypt so he can take his family there on vacation.

- Yosef was once catfished on a dating app.

Like Yosef, Penn State knows what it’s like to commit early and then have things go south. Their fanbase also knows what it’s like to be told they talk too much, because they do—and justifying that as “enthusiasm and zest for life” and not obnoxiousness is also very on-brand. Yosef’s motivation for appearing on the show seems to be disturbingly related to his ex-wife’s wedding, but while I find that sort of weird, PSU fans are fully on board with this level of petty. But the truly stunning thing about Yosef/Penn State is that collection of bullet points. It takes a special person to think that loving Velcro sneakers as a child is a personality trait, just like it takes a special school to think that making mediocre ice cream at an ag school is a claim to fame in the Big Ten.

Wisconsin (#3) - Blake Moynes

(H: 2. L: 14 Last Place Votes: 1)

There’s a wildness to that gleam in his eye that unsettles me as much as a Badger fan in the wild.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Blake Moynes is no stranger to putting in the hard work to get what he wants in life. At university, he studied every kind of wildlife management program he could get his hands on and now spends his days happily working outdoors. Professionally, Blake Moynes says he has it all, but personally, he is at a crossroads. In the past, Blake spent his Saturday nights hanging with his best friends, but now all of those friends are married and he’s the last single man remaining. Not one to like being left out, Blake Moynes now feels the pressure to settle down and wife up! His dream woman is outdoorsy, beautiful and fun. She has to have a goofy side and be okay with his self-described “potty mouth.” He says he has no problems talking about his emotions and wants a partner who will appreciate that he wears his heart on his sleeve. Blake Moynes is confident that Clare Crawley is the woman for him, and when this is all over, he can’t wait to take her home with him to meet all of his friends.

- Blake Moynes loves the Ninja Turtles as much as the Ninja Turtles love pizza.

- Blake Moynes loves picnics.

- Blake Moynes volunteers with a different endangered species every year.

Why does this guy get first and last name treatment? Because there are two “Blake M’s” on the show this season, and that’s where we are as a society right now. Multiple Blakes. Our nation truly deserves judgment. Anyway, Blake Moynes is the perfect fit for Wisconsin (even though he’s Canadian and Canada is much cooler than Wisconsin) because this is a man who definitely can do a keg stand, and will do a keg stand at any opportunity. He wants to get married so he’s no longer left out, which is not a great reason. However, try though they might, the Badgers can’t quite break through to hang out with the rest of the cool kids, making a West defeat in the CCG an annual occurrence.

Also, Blake Moynes also has a “potty mouth,” meaning he’ll fit in seamlessly with the Badger student section.

Ed. Note: What does it mean to “volunteer with a different endangered species every year”? Does he go hang with sea turtles and see if they need any help painting fences? Ask the wolves if he can help them clean out their basements? Please clarify, Blake Moynes.

Michigan (#4) - Dale

(H: 4 L: 6)

Dale’s favorite game is “Hungry Hungry Hippos,” and if you can’t see Jim Harbaugh making that same bizarre statement, you haven’t been paying attention.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Dale is a small-town boy with big dreams of making an impact on the world. His mother passed away at a young age; but before her death, Dale says she taught him to always follow his passions and that nothing is impossible if you work hard. After playing D1 football and basketball at South Dakota State, Dale spent four years playing in the NFL before stepping away to move to New York and pursue a career in consulting for sports wellness and lifestyle brands. When asked what his greatest achievement is to date, Dale says, “I’m living it!” Now, all he’s just missing is a woman to share his success with. Dale is looking for a woman who wants him but doesn’t need him and says that nothing turns him on more than an independent woman with strong convictions. When Dale is feeling passionate, he doesn’t like to hold back and is looking for a woman who won’t be turned off by his intensity. Dale says one thing he has not mastered yet is patience. Will he be able to wait his turn to make a move on Clare or will he come in hot for all the right reasons?

- Dale loves Oprah.

- Dale is super competitive and his favorite game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.

- Dale is an ambassador for The Special Olympics.

- Dale’s favorite indulgence is a good martini and a perfectly cooked steak.

Dale has the distinction of being this year’s early favorite, a familiar habit for a certain team from the Wolverine State. Upon meeting Dale, Clare gasps and tells the cameras that she feels like she just met her husband. She awards Dale the first-impression rose, and then starts making out with him, which is a lot for Night One in Bachelorworld. This is pretty much a sentence for sentence recap of Michigan’s relationship with Jim Harbaugh, and it’s also a good match for their predilection for winning the “September Heisman.” With no September in this year’s football season, will Michigan get straight to their disappointing ways, or will this be the year that they finally sweep their fanbase off their feet and into happily ever after?

Minnesota (#5) - Tyler C.

(H: 3 L: 7)

“is a Matthew McConaughey stan” Obvious statement is obvious.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Tyler C. is a kind southern gentleman who loves to have fun. He grew up in a small town where he says he rarely left his bubble and wasn’t very social … if only young Tyler C. could see himself now! After becoming the second person in his family to attend college, Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and cowboy by night. Now, he just needs a cowgirl to ride off into the sunset with. His parents have been a great example of what a true marriage is and he hopes to one day have a relationship as solid as theirs. Tyler C. is looking to find someone who will stand by his side through the good and bad, and while he admits that he’s a picky guy, he’s never been more ready to leave bachelorhood behind.

- Tyler C. is a Matthew McConaughey stan.

- Tyler C. HATES snakes.

- Tyler C. could eat Thanksgiving dinner all year round.

- One day, Tyler C. hopes to have three kids — two boys and a little girl. In that order.

Ok, so first the elephant in the room - this guy looks like a younger PJ Fleck. But that’s not why he’s Minnesota. One standard OP of the show is that on the first night, all of the contestants arrive one by one in a limo, and have an introduction with that season’s bachelor(ette). Many do some sort of gimmick in an attempt to be memorable, and over the years this has become increasingly ridiculous. Tyler C. rolled up not in a limo, but in an old-school station wagon — “Full Clark Griswold” in his words — to prove to Clare how ready he was ready to take their future family on good old-fashioned road trips. If you don’t think that’s EXACTLY the kind of stunt that PJ Fleck would pull if he was on this show, then you don’t know PJ Fleck. And Minnesota fans would give him the first impression rose, as well as printing t-shirts with station wagons on them.

Ed. Note: “hopes to have three kids — two boys and a little girl, in that order.” OK Henry VIII - you know that’s on your sperm, right? Weirdo.

Ed. Note 2: Tyler C. got himself booted the first night after accusing another guy of using Instagram to message women, which is... not a crime Tyler, chill out. He actually said “I’m not here for the high school drama,” before instigating said high school drama. I could see PJ Fleck doing this, but also Scott Frost, and that’s a show I’d watch, actually.

Iowa (#6) - Jason

(H: 3 L: 7)

I’m knocking Jason pretty hard, but I have to admit that “willingness to look at historical monuments” is pretty high on my dream guy list.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Jason prides himself on being able to have fun everywhere he goes. He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life. Since leaving the NFL in 2016, he has lost 120 pounds and started a career in IT staffing and solutions. While Jason admits he had his fun during his NFL days, he is now ready to get serious. On the weekends, Jason loves to spend his days visiting historical monuments around Arlington or kayaking on the Potomac River. Jason wants a woman who can keep up with his big personality. She has to have a great sense of humor and an amazing laugh. Jason hopes to meet a woman who can handle his sarcasm and put him in his place when he needs to be checked. Sounds like Clare may just be the girl for him.

- Jason loves animals, and if he could, he would open his home to every dog on the planet that needs one.

- Jason is the first guy on the dance floor when it’s time for the Electric Slide.

- Jason likes to drink coffee in bed.

I’ll be honest, this selection doesn’t have a lot to do with Iowa the football team, and more to do with Iowa the state, because Jason? This guy oozes Iowa. That undershirt and open button-down from 2007? Pure Iowa vibes. Coffee in bed like a frickin’ caveman? Sure, an Iowegian absolutely would. An unquenchable thirst for the Electric Slide? PURE IOWA. This guy is the male version of the “Basic Bitch” and thus he is a perfect fit for our nondescript friends from the Hawkeye State.

Lest you think I’m going uncharacteristically easy on Iowa, I’d like to point out that Jason’s introductory schtick was to show up wearing a fake pregnant belly to illustrate he was “willing to carry the weight of the relationship and the labor of love” so he is in fact the worst, just like Iowa.

Nope.

Indiana (#7) - Chris

(H: 6 L: 8)

The pattern on that collar is as wild as Chris - or Indiana - is ever going to get.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Chris works in landscaping and is hoping his relationship with Clare will bloom like the perfect rose. After his last serious relationship ended in heartbreak, Chris was unsure if he was meant for true love. It took some time to pick up the pieces, but now Chris says he has his groove back. Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing. She also must love to travel because Chris’ goal in life is to travel to 200 countries, and he currently has 180 to go before meeting his target. When asked to describe himself as a lover, Chris says, “I like to think I’m good at what I do.” This is good to hear because, one day, Chris hopes to have three or four kids so he has a good reason to rock a minivan. Will Clare be ready to join him in the mini as he reaches for his goals? Only time will tell.

-Chris is the oldest of four kids, all of who have genius level IQs.

- As a kid, Chris ran and operated a coffee shop on his parents’ front lawn so he could buy himself an electric scooter.

- Chris loves camping, but wont go for longer than three days at a time.

Chris is the most common type of Bachelor(ette) contestant - perfectly nice, not very memorable, not going to stir up any shit, and fully out of the picture within the first few weeks after minimal screen time. He’s hoping that “I’m good at what I do” is intriguingly mysterious way to describe his amorous skills, but it’s probably not fooling anyone. Depending on how generous you feel, Chris is either a bundle of paradoxes, or a man who doesn’t know what he wants, embracing incompatible goals like traveling to 200 countries but also having four kids. Indiana is like this too - they’re fine. They’re not winning it all. They’re there and that’s nice. Sometimes they threaten something mildly exciting like an upset win, but at the end of the day, they’re a middle-of-the-pack Big Ten team. Saddle up that Honda Odyssey, Hoosiers.

Purdue (#8) - AJ

(H: 8 L: 10)

Were I dressing for a headshot that would likely be the first thing that showed up when googled for the rest of my life, I would probably not opt for a sweater that exactly matched my skin tone.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

AJ is a self-proclaimed California boy through and through. When he’s not studying to get his MBA or killing it in the software sales game, he loves to enjoy the sun and head to the ocean for some surfing and beach volleyball. AJ grew up in a Muslim household, and thanks to his strong bond with his mom — whom AJ says he tells everything — AJ has a sincere respect for women and says he wants to find a partner who will intellectually challenge him and keep life fun as they grow old together. AJ considers himself to be a modern Muslim and is very excited to share his cultural background with Clare. Even though he is one of the younger men in the group, AJ certainly does not steer toward younger women and is very excited to pursue a woman like Clare who he sees as mature and experienced. AJ says that going on this journey is completely out of his comfort zone, but he is so excited to potentially meet the woman of his dreams that he knows it will be worth it.

- AJ learned how to make candles during quarantine.

- Don’t take AJ to the zoo because he is terrified of tigers.

- AJ is a double-dutch master on the jump rope.

- AJ doesn’t show up to anything without doing his research first.

This season does have an aeronautical engineer, and I thought about assigning him to Purdue for obvious reasons, but he seemed pretty normal. So Purdue gets AJ here. Purdue tries so hard you guys, and you can’t help but kind of root for them, much like you’re somewhat cringely charmed by a guy who leads off his bio on a dating show by saying he’s “killing it in the software sales game.” He’s trying, but he is out of his depth here. Purdue is frequently out of their depth when it comes to Big Ten football, but it doesn’t stop them from giving it their all. Purdue fans, during the depths of the football team’s ineptitude, may also have chosen to pick up some specialized hobbies like candle-making or double-dutch (what), so I guess if that was you, let us know in the comments.

When AJ met Clare on the first night, he told the camera afterwards that “that’s the first time I’ve touched a woman in months!” I know this is low-hanging fruit, and I’m sorry, but Purdue, as an engineering school, this also seems on-brand.

Michigan State (#9) - Tyler S.

(H: 7 L: 13)

Is this... plaid denim? What is happening here?
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Tyler S. is finally putting himself first! After years of being on the road and managing the career of his brother, country singer Granger Smith, Tyler S. is ready to step out from behind the curtain and focus on himself. Tyler S. says it’s been years since his last relationship, but knows that’s his own fault. He just LOVES his job! He says that his career gets him up early in the morning, keeps him hungry and allows him to provide for himself now, and for his family in the future. He says he is single because it’s hard to date while touring and he’s not attracted to fangirls or groupies. His personal rule is that if he can’t show his mama a girl’s Instagram, then he can’t date her…and Mama’s approval is everything to Tyler! When Tyler S. has spare time, he likes to plant trees, fish and work with organizations fighting to protect wildlife. His perfect woman will love to keep it low key and cuddle up on the couch for a good movie night. She is caring, nurturing and willing to adopt his family as their own. Tyler S. says this is his moment, and we can’t wait to watch him take center stage.

- When listening to the radio, Tyler prefers to listen to AM over FM.

- Tyler has been to all 50 of the United States.

- Tyler doesn’t understand the concept of going to the movies on a first date because there’s no opportunity to chat.

Alright MSU. I hate to do this to you, but I’m doing it. Tyler here has some little brother issues, it sounds like. I mean, he LOVES his job! He’s super happy doing it! He is so happy to support his more famous brother! Really! Yeah, I don’t believe him either. Additionally, I’m not sure what that AM over FM thing is about - is this tip-off that he may be a bit partial to tin foil in the haberdashery department? While I’m not particularly optimistic for either Tyler S. OR Michigan State’s chances this season, both are the type that might hang around longer than you’d guess.

Also, this is not related to MSU, but just say no to mamma’s boys. Pro tip.

Northwestern (#10) - Jeremy

(H: 9 L: 13)

Their hair is all SO tall. It feels like they’re compensating for things.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

At 40 years old, Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on “The Bachelorette,” and says he is feeling the pressure to finally settle down. Not that he hasn’t been trying, but he says that DC is just full of type-A women that he doesn’t get along with. Jeremy has been in two serious relationships — both times he thought he would marry the girl, and both times they broke his heart. Never one to stay down for long, Jeremy believes that this third time will be the charm! He describes his perfect woman as cute, easy-going and funny. He loves bold women who aren’t afraid to challenge him when the opportunity presents itself. Jeremy is all about giving back and when he isn’t working at his fancy bank job, he loves volunteering and spends as much time as he can mentoring children with disabilities. Jeremy says he has a lot in common with Clare and thinks that the two of them could really go the distance. His favorite thing about Clare though, is that she talks to raccoons and he can’t wait to get in on the conversation.

- During quarantine, Jeremy developed a love for painting and taught himself how to rollerblade.

- Jeremy hates Instagram models, both male and female.

- Jeremy says his love language is witty banter.

- Jeremy’s favorite holiday is Halloween because he loves to geek out on haunted attractions.

Oh Jeremy. While I don’t agree with my state’s senator that Jeremys are the worst, I do not like this particular Jeremy. However, I do think he has a number of things that make him well-suited for our friends from Evanston. First, he has a “fancy bank job,” and if there’s one school that’s likely to result in someone getting a “fancy bank job,” it’s probably Northwestern. Second, Jeremy hates Instagram models, and as anyone who watched the Boomerfication of Pat Fitzgerald last year can attest, this is a position he’d definitely endorse. Northwestern is a team that makes its fans believe in happily ever after, before offering them instead utter devastation. Will this year be “the charm” for the Wildcats, or will Fitz and Co. really start to feel the pressure?

Ed. Note: Jeremy can’t get along with Type-A women, but also “loves bold women who aren’t afraid to challenge him.” I feel like that second part is some Grade-A bullshit.

Nebraska (#11) - Kenny

(H: 9 L: 13)

The face of a person who “hates cheese.”
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

This handsome man about town is ready to say “Bye Bye Bye” to the single life. Kenny is a talent buyer in Chicago, where he creates and manages boy band cover bands. He’s the first one to admit that in the past, he’s put his career before his relationships, but now as he inches closer to the big 4-0, Kenny is tired of having “No Strings Attached” and is ready for someone to join him on this journey he calls life. For Kenny, looks and personality are equal in priority and he’s hoping for a girl with both. He wants a woman who is not controlling, fake or wrongly opinionated. And if he doesn’t agree with her opinions, she should be ready for a spirited conversation because Kenny says he doesn’t let things slide easily. One way to secure Kenny’s heart is through music. He loves to talk shop and could spend hours reliving his favorite concerts or albums. Kenny is often misjudged by what people see on the outside, but inside, he’s sensitive and caring. He’s waited this long to find the right woman and isn’t about to just settle for anyone, “This I Promise You!”

- Kenny and his dad work out together every day.

- Kenny hates cheese.

- Kenny says the best time of the week for a date is Sunday morning over coffee.

- Kenny wants to own his own dive bar on the beach one day.

I admit, this one really hurts me because Kenny flat-out sucks. But you know what? As far as we know, Nebraska still does too, and until they change my mind on that, I have to do it to them. Kenny here is an impressive compilation of regrettable choices and cringeworthy statements. While being a “Boy Band Manager” is pretty iffy in and of itself, it turns out that he doesn’t actually manage boy bands per se, he manages boy band cover bands. That is… not good. Neither is this: “He wants a woman who is not...wrongly opinionated. And if he doesn’t agree with her opinions, she should be ready for a spirited conversation because Kenny says he doesn’t let things slide easily.” You know who says shit like that? People who believe in QAnon, or who consume Facebook memes as news because they aren’t a sheeple and the mainstream media doesn’t tell you this stuff. NO. No no no. Other bad news from Kenny includes this chestnut: “He loves to talk shop and could spend hours reliving his favorite concerts or albums” which means he’s definitely someone who records concerts on his Insta stories. And finally, “Kenny wants to own his own dive bar on the beach one day” is code for “definitely not husband material.”

Kenny is so many bad ideas rolled into one person, that it’s hard to believe he exists. However, as a Nebraska fan, it’s hard to believe Nebraska hasn’t even been bowl eligible for years, so we have to face both of these harsh realities.

Please stop sucking, Nebraska. Because as long as you do and are putting out stuff like this tweet, you’re going to be Kenny:

Illinois (#12) - Brendan

(H: 7 L: 13)

As a fellow blue-eyed person, I understand and support the way that Brendan is deploying his. Use what you’ve got, kids.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Brendan is a sensitive soul who is ready to share his life with a special woman. After losing his dad at a young age, he knew that his purpose in life was to be a father. After relocating to Los Angeles, Brendan decided to move back home to Massachusetts to work for the family roofing business and be closer to his family — especially his nieces and nephews, whom he can’t get enough of. In his free time, Brendan loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends. Brendan is all about that initial attraction when meeting a woman. He loves to make a woman feel desired and describes himself as a true romantic.

- Brendan can juggle.

- Brendan’s real passion is coaching his high school’s basketball team.

- Brendan’s buddies from home call him “BMoney.”

- Brandon’s signature look is a turtleneck.

Brendan is a guy with a lot of things working against him: the name “Brendan,” leading with the fact that he can juggle, and claiming that others call him BMoney in 2020. Like Brendan, Illinois is facing an uphill climb: a recent history of defeat both self-inflicted and otherwise, an opening game AT Wisconsin, and the color orange. Nevertheless, Brendan is doing one thing really well—he knows that his eyes are his best feature, and he chose an outfit to accentuate them (an opposite tactic to that chosen by Purdue/AJ and his skin shirt). Illinois will have to similarly make use of their few gifts (a cross-over with Rutgers!) to end up with a decent W-L this season.

Ed. Note: “Brendan is all about that initial attraction when meeting a woman” is less groundbreaking than florals for spring.

Maryland (#13) - Blake Monar

(H: 10 L: 13)

Never trust a man whose hair is 8” tall.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Growing up, baseball was Blake Monar’s life. Two years into living out his boyhood dream of playing in the major leagues, a debilitating neuromuscular injury pushed him into early retirement and forced him to figure out what he really wanted out of life. Blake’s next move was a bold one — he packed up his entire life and moved to Phoenix where he now owns and operates a cosmetic company. Blake’s next big move? He’s here to find his future wife! Blake’s dream woman is incredibly secure in herself and has done the work to become the best version of them possible. His idea of a romantic night includes cooking dinner at home and watching movies in sweatpants.

- Blake Monar doesn’t have any pets of his own, but says he is everyone’s first call when they need a dogsitter.

- Blake Monar has never left the country.

- Blake Monar loves to take his mom shopping.

- Blake Monar loves pancakes.

Well, here’s the second Blake M., god help us. First off, mad respect that “what he really wanted out of life” was to become a “male grooming expert.” It’s an underappreciated career, I’m sure. His “cosmetics company” only has 1,922 followers on Instagram, so it’s clear what he’s really on this show for - to get some of that sweet, sweet IG influencer cash. Maryland can respect that hustle, it’s a similar motivation that brought them to the Big Ten, after all. Aside from his unusual career choice, Blake Monar appears to be a pretty uninteresting individual - liking pancakes is hardly a personality trait, and not having left the country by the age of 31 isn’t exactly braggable. Maryland can respect this too - they’re not particularly braggable themselves, and beyond “a turtle is the mascot,” there’s not a lot of new and interesting territory here.

Rutgers (#14) - Zach J.

(H: 12 L: 14 LPV: 12)

Not a sleeping giant, but a farting one.
ABC.com

Bachelor Bio (ABC):

Zach J. is a fun, outgoing and charismatic gentleman with a big personality and even bigger heart. Zach J. says that he has had a major crush on Clare ever since seeing her tell off Juan Pablo during the finale of his season. And while he is definitely excited for the journey to begin, he wants to make it clear that he is only here because he believes Clare is the perfect woman for him. Zach J. is a successful business owner who loves staying active and healthy. He stays away from the clubs and bars, and prefers to hang with a few friends and keep things low key. Zach J. says his best attributes are his abilities to be empathetic, fun and clever. When he gets married, it will be forever. Zach J. is prepared to lay it all on the line for the woman of his dreams and hopes to one day introduce Clare to his mom as his fiancée. We love a man who dreams big!

- Zach J. is obsessed with gum and Chapstick.

- Zach J. HATES jazz music and does not know how to formally dance.

- Zach J. once broke his nose walking into a glass door.

- Zach J. doesn’t understand why people have so much trouble knowing when to use there vs. they’re vs. their. It drives him crazy!

There is no easy way to say this, so here goes: Zach J. decided that his introductory gambit would be a fake proposal - featuring a ring box with a small bare butt inside that emits farting noises. Because what 39-year-old woman isn’t TOTALLY into fart jokes? Zach J. probably slayed in his frat house, but it’s also pretty clear why he is still single at 37. Similarly, Rutgers has been around for a half a decade now, and still doesn’t really get why they’re the joke. Their opening gambit was to be absolute ass at football (and basketball and volleyball), and while remaining sure that the big break is just around the corner, the rest of the conference mostly just thinks that they stink.

However, in a truly shocking twist, Zach J. and his portable fart machine got a rose on the first episode and will be back for another week of juvenile humor and a fundamental misunderstanding of things women like. Meanwhile, Rutgers fans hope and pray that Greg Schiano will prove to be their very own lucky farting ring box.

There you have it! Fourteen sub-par men, and fourteen sub-par football teams. Let the games begin!

Poll

The Bachelorette is known for weird introductory gambits. If you HAD to, which would be your style? (All of these happened this season.)

This poll is closed

  • 4%
    Sport a fake pregnant stomach to demonstrate your dedication to carrying the weight
    (8 votes)
  • 14%
    Wearing a t-shirt with HER dogs on it, so she had to "pet" your chest
    (28 votes)
  • 3%
    Wearing a straitjacket because you’re "crazy" for her
    (7 votes)
  • 19%
    Wearing a full suit of armor because you’re a knight or something
    (37 votes)
  • 43%
    Driving a station wagon "full Clark Griswold"-style
    (82 votes)
  • 13%
    Fake proposing with a farting ring box
    (26 votes)
188 votes total Vote Now