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OTE Mailbag: Oh damnit.

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This week keeps getting spookier and spookier.

Minnesota v Maryland
Not pictured: A Gopher defender.
Photo by G Fiume/Maryland Terrapins/Getty Images

I’m going to need to add something to my coffee.

Is it time to talk to your kids about undefeated Rutgers - Transient Buckeye

Candystripes: Now, I’m not saying you should wait to do that until after you talk to your kids about NUMBER 17 INDIANA FOOTBALL, but you should maybe wait until after this weekend, because let’s be honest, a lot of teams that start 1-0 do not live up to their hype (and I would in no way be surprised when either (or both) of these teams is one of those).

Beez: If you’re not doing it before Saturday, you’re really playing with fire and you may lose your chance to ever bring it up again.

Jesse: Can we talk about Rutgers ceiling for a moment? My fandom aside, is Rutgers really just the Iowa State of the Big Ten? There’s a chance they are good every once in a while, but history dictates that they need an INCREDIBLE amount of turnover luck to get historic wins? I dunno. Maybe they can get 7 turnovers every week, but uh… probably not.

MNW: Yes. Because a Rutgers that is 1-0 (1-0 B1G), even for just a week, is so noteworthy that you ought to scoop up a little of the asphalt from that Scranton Strangler car-chase that was Sparty-Rutgers.

BrianB2: Well, I don’t have any kids, so that’s an easy answer. Maryland has started 1-0 19 of the last 22 years...so enjoy it while it lasts Rutgers. Correction: Maryland has won 19 of their previous 21 home openers. I heard that on the radio as they try to conjure up any semblance of local interest in the upcoming Minnesota beat down.

Stew:

Got any Halloween plans? - MNWildcat

Dead Read: No.

Candystripes: I work at a food establishment, so, uh, being at work.

Beez: Assisting with a scary mountain/woods hike, I think. I’m not sure

Jesse: For me? No. But, I’m sure we’ll figure out something with the kids in general. We’ve decided the youngest is going to be Captain Hook and I’m fairly excited for that.

pkloa: Hanging with my nerds for a D&D session. Going to try to break the DM’s mind, once and for all.

MNW: what kind of fucking nerd responds to his own Mailbag question. Hope I’m the only loser in this piece who does…

Anyway, we’re having a bonfire in our driveway, drinking so much wine my teeth are permanently stained red, and setting out candy on a table. I’ll probably run the basement TV out on an extension cord and watch Iowa-Northwestern until the cold and bad football makes me so numb I can’t feel anything. Moving on.

BrianB2: I intentionally requested off at the brewery I work at because they are hosting a private event of like 50 people that belong to a gym called “Soldier Fit”. I have worked private events for these folks before, and let me just say, covid guidelines aside, it would be really annoying to work said event. Anyway, I am going to drink beers in my buddy’s back yard and hopefully remain there long enough to avoid coming home to trick or treaters at my own home. (I really don’t care for Halloween much, bah humbug)

Stew: Not any formal trick-or-treating, but neighborhood is doing a driveway tailgate type thing. Instead of bucket of candy, handing out individual sandwich bags of candy by setting them out on a card table. Probably having to stop everything early because kids refuse to keep their distance and masks on. Followed by meltdowns of epic proportions for ruining Halloween.

WSR: I’ve acquired my old spud gun from my Dad’s house and am seeing if I can repurpose it as a delivery system for ziploc bags of candy. Hopefully I have enough aqua net and this grill igniter still works...

What’s even the point? - Beezer07

Dead Read: The point is to find (or create) the point.

Candystripes: Getting through this year by any means necessary.

Beez: Wow this is such a good question for so many reasons and on so many levels. What a brain there must be behind the fingers that type this one.

Jesse: Right?

pkloa: Fake it til we make it.

BrianB2: 42?

Stew: Eat at Arby’s.

What sort of brutal repression does OSU have in store for the b1g East bottom-feeder insurgents? - HistoriCat

Candystripes: whistling innocently while sharpening knives I’m sure they’ll just roll us like always.

Beez: “We really need style points this year because we’re only going to get to play 6 games before CFP selection day” repression.

Jesse: Are we going to get to that part of the schedule? Or was this a question about Penn State?

MNW: The repression that probably would’ve happened to a team out-gained more than 2-to-1 had the oppressors not, at the last minute, turned the lash upon their own genitals and just started going to fucking town.

BrianB2: Trying to predict the Maryland OSU score would frighten me, if Maryland football hadn’t already whittled me down to an indifferent pile of nothingness.

Stew: I enjoyed this trolling. Especially since it was missed by others.

WSR: Following their victory at the Battle of the Kalka river, the Mongolians took the captured Kievan leaders and followed their tradition of not spilling the blood of monarchy. They just put them between levels of the platform that was built for the feast and smothered them all to death while they ate, drank, and were merry.

Better B1G play? Texas Tech’s punter punting the full length of the football field or Nevada’s punter with 2 70-yard punts downed inside the 10 (one of them out of bounds at the 1) in the 4th quarter? - McCartyMarch261997

Dead Read: Neither of the above. The correct answer is Baylor punting (for a touchback) from the opponent’s 30.

Candystripes: Wind-aided 110 yards is nice, but it’s still a touchback. 2 bombs down inside the 10 takes the day for me.

Beez: Yeah Dead Read had the write answer before I could remember which team it was that out Ferentz’d Ferentz.

Jesse: Y’all keep acting like the Big Ten is consistently good at punting. We’re just good at not getting first downs. I think the most B1G play is definitely Baylor punting from the 30 AND not pinning them deep. Don’t forget that part.

BrianB2: Real football teams don’t punt.

Stew: That Baylor punt. Sure. Whatever.

At what point do we start claiming an alien invasion to describe the season

a) When Indiana and Purdue start the season 3-0

b) When Harbaugh decides not to wear khakis for the rest of the season

c) When Louie Smith decides to call it a career after Week 4, getting boat-raced by Rutger

d) When Northwestern runs the table because they didn’t have to play non-conference games this year

e) All of the above - Sasser

Dead Read: Nebraska will hold the Sconnies to zero rushing yards this week, thanks to a virus. This is a legit War of the Worlds vibe. Rutgers is undefeated, thanks to a couple of walk-ons named “John” from Grover’s Mill. We’ve already been invaded. But hey, that guy Smallberries can really tote the rock.

Candystripes: Insert your favorite Aliens/They’re Here meme or gif here

Beez: Without looking at the schedules, (a) and (c) aren’t insane. (d) won’t happen because NW is actually pretty bad. (b) could happen but probably not unless he switches to sweatpants or something because it’s gonna be cold by the end of the season. Based on these ratings, (d) happening is how you know something weird is going on.

Jesse: I want to say something about not getting to week four, but then I remembered that Major League Baseball made it to the WS and it’s all just absurd…

Stew: How about any team actually playing all 8 games?

Poll

What are your Halloween plans?

This poll is closed

  • 5%
    Going trick-or-treating
    (4 votes)
  • 17%
    Giving out candy
    (14 votes)
  • 3%
    Going to a party
    (3 votes)
  • 73%
    Sitting on your couch and watching football
    (59 votes)
80 votes total Vote Now