“You can send us back to Northwestern and we can talk to them again, but we’ll be back here in another month or two and tell you that that’s not going anywhere,” said 1st Ward Alderwoman Judy Fiske to Patch in early November. “Somehow we’ve got to figure this out, because this is having a really devastating effect on the neighborhoods that are affected.”

What do you think is having a devastating effect on neighborhoods around Evanston? Is it the coronavirus epidemic? Racial inequality that persists in the liberal oasis north of Chicago? NU students’ calls to defund campus police and resistance from university leadership?

Oh no, my friends.

That would make too much sense.

It’s beer pong.

From The Daily Northwestern:

Ald. Judy Fiske (1st) proposed a ban on public drinking games, which she said were “devastating” some Evanston neighborhoods, at a Nov. 2 Human Services Committee meeting.

Fiske said the ban could be modeled after a 2005 Belmar, New Jersey ordinance that prohibits outdoor drinking games visible from public vantage points and adjacent properties. If passed, residents would not be allowed to play games like beer pong on their front yards, porches or decks.

Once I got past how mind-numbingly stupid this is—buy the ticket house near a college, take the ride occasional disturbances to your privileged existence, you bored suburban pricks—it reminded me (1) of how trivial this was compared to the actual problems in Evanston are, and (2) how, my senior year in Evanston, I lived in a brothel.

Thanks to Judy Fiske.

You see, Evanston—the home of Frances Willard, crusader for the Women’s Christian Temperance Union (WCTU) who made it into the robust national organization that finally succeeded in passing the Eighteenth Amendment—has some old-ass laws on the books.

Much has been made, in the past, of Evanston’s “dry” status—it remained booze-free until 1972, and many “odd laws” lists feature the (incorrect) assertion that bowling is illegal in the city.

But in January 2011, as many of us at Northwestern had already signed or made preparations to move into off-campus housing—units of not just four or five, but seven or eight bedrooms—news broke that the City of Evanston would enforce a decades-old law originally targeting actual houses of licentiousness. The Northwestern administration announced it would not fight the law. On July 1, 2011, any residence that hosted more than three unrelated people would be considered a “brothel”—a decades-old law originally targeting actual houses of licentiousness.

I’d signed a lease to live in an eight-person house. Uh-oh.

Northwestern students, uh...showed their concerns:

A quick meeting with NU President Morton Schapiro, and the city officials reversed their position, saying that not only did they not plan to change their enforcement strategy, but that they never planned to in the first place! Those damn kids, getting all hysterical over nothing; damn Daily Northwestern, lying and making up fake news!

Never forget, as well that, Fiske—who then promised to consider amending the law, saying it was more about the landlords than the tenants—was a petty loser who sued in 2005 and claimed that a Northwestern pizza party bribed students to vote against her (it was dismissed in 2006).

But hey, it’s about the safety of the students. OK, Judy.

The city continued to inspect and publish lists of homes in suspected violation of the “brothel law” until October 2011—ours was never listed, but we were definitely in “violation”. Eight of us, hosting marching band parties and syrup-drinking competitions on the lawn (Dillo Day 2012 was a mistake) and nightly games of beer pong and an event only known as “Champagne-Gate”. Mistakes were made.

Then the call came: Inspection Day.

Gods bless our little Russian landlady who, though she wasn’t running a brothel of the eight of us, definitely was running a roach motel. This inspection was old hat to her: upon getting notice, her son quickly sent an email and made his way to the house. My bedroom in the basement was cleared out—it was now “storage”. Plastic was thrown over my bed, sheets over another roommate’s third-story bedroom. Another on the second floor was turned into a “walk-in closet”. Mattresses were moved, belongings were put into suitcases, and the whole house was prepped—all in a matter of hours. We were told to stay the hell away until the inspector finished up.

Not a brothel. We got away with it. I felt just like a speakeasy owner in the 1920s who escaped the feds.

By the end of the day, all the suitcases came back out, all the plastic was taken off the beds “in storage”, all the desks and chairs were returned. To celebrate, we went right back to what everyone in a brothel does—neglecting our studies, making ramen in the coffeepot, and yes, playing beer pong. Not sure when I was supposed to get paid for the sex I wasn’t having, but I can’t help but feel like I missed out. Some brothel.

And yet, in 2018, Fiske still wanted to keep the ordinance in place. The law came up for discussion, and Fiske refused to bring it up.

And so now Judy’s moved on to beer pong.

In the Year of the Karens, facing all sorts of problems in the world, it’s a bold choice, but it’s one this alderwoman feels she must make.

There are brothels to close.

---

Thursday

Don’t Watch This

{NFL} Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks [7:20pm, FOX/NFL/Amazon]

{Liga Expansion MX} Atletico Morelia vs. Tlaxcala [7pm, TUDN]
{Liga Expansion MX} Dorados vs. Tampico Madero [9:05pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Tulane Green Wave at #25 Tulsa Golden Hurricane

6:30pm | ESPN | Tulsa -6.5 | O/U 53.5

Utah State Aggies at Wyoming Cowboys

8pm | CBSSN | Wyo -20.5 | O/U 46.5

{TEN} Rafael Nadal vs. Stefanos Tsitsipas

2:30pm | ESPN2 | ATP Tour Finals

At this point, my opposition to Thursday Night Football is less the teams and more how mind-numbingly terrible Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are. But Kyler Murray could be pretty fun again tonight after pulling off the most ridiculous Hail Mary I think I’ve ever seen.

Husker fans, I swear to God, I am in no mood to be truffled with.

Friday

Don’t Watch This

Syracuse Orange at Louisville Cardinals (-18, O/U 56.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Massachusetts Minutemen at Florida Atlantic Owls (-32.5, O/U 50.5) [7pm, CBSSN]

{EFL} Coventry City vs. Birmingham City [1:45pm, ESPN+]
{Scottish Cup} Dunfermline Athletic vs. Hearts of Midlothian [1:45pm, ESPN+]
{TEN} Daniil Medvedev vs. Diego Schwartzman [2pm, ESPN2]
{Ligue 1} Monaco vs. Paris Saint-Germain [2pm, beIN]
{MLS} New England Revolution vs. Montreal Impact [5:30pm, FS1]
{MLS} Nashville SC vs. Inter Miami [8pm, ESPN2]

Watch That

Purdue Boilermakers at Minnesota Golden Gophers

6:30pm | BTN | Purdue -3 | O/U 62.5

New Mexico Lobos at Air Force Falcons

8:30pm | FS1 | AFA -7.5 | O/U 55.5

{Hockey} Penn State at Minnesota

3pm | BTN | Hockey?!?

I have that guilt when my wife works weekends—sure, I sit home and grade, but I get to also have a number of drinks and watch terrible football. That extends to Friday night.

Minnesota-Purdue could be the very trainwreck that we’re all so desperate for in the Big Ten—offenses both with wide receivers in Rashod Bateman and David Bell who are absolute studs and grind-it-out backs like Mohamed Ibrahim and Xander Horvath, but QBs like Tanner Morgan and Aidan O’Connell who...well, they’ve been there.

Then let’s wash it down with Tevaka Tuioti, an exciting if raw QB at New Mexico, trying to keep pace with the Air Force option.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Illinois Fighting Illini at Nebraska Cornhuskers (-15.5, O/U 59.5) [11am, BTN]
#4 Clemson Tigers (-35, O/U 65.5) at Florida State Seminoles [11am, ABC]
#6 Florida Gators (-31.5, O/U 68) at Vanderbilt Commodores [11am, ESPN]
Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks at Memphis Tigers [11am, ESPN+]
East Carolina Pirates (-3.5, O/U 58) at Temple Owls [11am, ESPN+]
LSU Tigers (-2, O/U 64) at Arkansas Razorbacks [11am, SECN]

{MLS} Orlando City SC vs. New York City FC [11am, YES/TUDN/MLS App]
{Serie A} Spezia vs. Atalanta [11am, ESPN+]
{EPL} Tottenham Spuds vs. Manchester City [11:30am, NBC]
{La Liga} Sevilla vs. Celta de Vigo [11:30am, beIN]
{Bundesliga} Eintracht Frankfurt vs. RB Leipzig [11:30am, ESPN+]

Watch That

#9 Indiana Hoosiers at #3 Ohio State Buckeyes

11am | FOX | OSU -20.5 | O/U 66.5

Appalachian State Mountaineers at #15 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers

11am | ESPN2 | CCU -5.5 | O/U 48

Georgia Southern Eagles at Army Black Knights

11am | CBSSN | Army -4 | O/U 41.5

This is actually a bangin’ Saturday morning lineup. I honestly have no jokes. Ranked teams, fun old-school football, and also Indiana-Ohio State! Let’s see if Charlie Brown kicks another football.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Iowa Hawkeyes (-2.5, O/U 47) at Penn State Nittany Lions [2:30pm, BTN]
FIU Golden Panthers Sunblazers at WKU Hilltoppers (-7.5, O/U 43) [1pm, ESPN3]
North Alabama Lions at #8 BYU Cougars [2pm, ESPN3]
UTSA Roadrunners (-9, O/U 52) at Southern Miss Golden Eagles [2pm, ESPN+]
Western Carolina Catamounts at Eastern Kentucky Colonels [2pm, ESPN3]
Arkansas State Red Wolves (-6, O/U 67) at Texas State Bobcats [2pm, ESPN3]
UCLA Bruins at #11 Oregon Webfoots (-13.5, O/U 66.5) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
MTSU Blue Raiders at Troy Trojans (-11.5, O/U 59.5) [2:30pm, ESPN3]
Cal Golden Bears (-3.5, O/U 49) at Oregon State Beavers [2:30pm, FS1]
Kansas State Wildcats at #17 Iowa St. Cyclones (-11, O/U 46.5) [3pm, FOX]
Georgia State Panthers (-3.5, O/U 59) at South Alabama Jaguars [3pm, ESPNU]
Abilene Christian Wildcats at Virginia Cavaliers [3pm, ESPN3]
Kentucky Wildcats at #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-31, O/U 58.5) [3pm, SECN]
Virginia Tech Hokies (-3.5, O/U 55.5) at Pittsburgh Panthers [3pm, ACCN]

{Bundesliga} Hertha Berlin vs. Borussia Dortmund [1:30pm, ESPN+]
{Serie A} Juventus vs. Cagliari [1:45pm, ESPN+]
{EPL} Manchester United vs. West Bromwich Albion [2pm, Peacock]
{MLS} Columbus Crew vs. New York Red Bulls [2pm, TUDN/MLS App]

Watch That

#10 Wisconsin Badgers at #19 Northwestern Wildcats

2:30pm | ABC | wisc -7.5 | O/U 44

Rice Owls at North Texas Mean Green

1pm | ESPN3 | PICK | O/U 63.5

#7 Cincinnati Bearcats at UCF Knights

2:30pm | ESPN | Cincy -6 | O/U 63

San Diego State Aztecs at Nevada Wolf Pack

2:30pm | CBS | SDSU -1.5 | O/U 46

I just want to register how much I appreciate that San Diego State-Nevada gets top billing on CBS, while Kentucky-Alabama is relegated to the SEC Network (likely cancelation and contract obligations to ESPN’s family of networks, but shut up, this is more fun).

Watch Nevada. Watch Brady Hoke. What more do you need?

Rice-UNT could always be some stupid fun, and Cincinnati-UCF has points and College Football Playoff spoiler written all over it.

Which is why I hate that I’ll watch Pat Fitzgerald and Paul Chryst reenact the Dwight-Michael dump fight scene from The Office.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Tennessee Volunteers at #23 Auburn Tigers (-10.5, O/U 49.5) [6pm, ESPN]
#21 Liberty Flames at N.C. State Wolfpack (-3.5, O/U 67) [6:30pm, ESPN3]
Mississippi State Bulldogs at #13 Georgia Bulldogs (-25, O/U 44.5) [6:30pm, SECN]
Mizzou Tigers (-6.5, O/U 55.5) at South Carolina Gamecocks [6:30pm, SECN+]
Arizona Wildcats at Washington Huskies (-11.5, O/U 53) [7pm, FOX]

Watch That

Michigan Wolverines at Rutgers Scarlet Knights

6:30pm | BTN | Mich -10.5 | O/U 55

San Jose State Spartans at Fresno State Bulldogs

6pm | CBSSN | SJSU -2.5 | O/U 60.5

#14 Oklahoma State Cowboys at #18 Oklahoma Sooners

6:30pm | ABC | OU -7 | O/U 59.5

For some reason, San Jose State and Fresno State play for this trophy:

San Jose Mercury

Nothing says RIVALS! like playing for...a giant letter found in neither of your names? That looks like it is a tacky wedding gift given to a couple with the last initial V?

Anywho, that’s the Valley Trophy, which also went by the Valley Cup, which is odd because despite your best efforts, I don’t think you’re drinking out of that. And it gets worse:

[T]he Valley Trophy was not publicly presented last year during San Jose State’s 62-52 upset win over Fresno State, which officially goes down at the first game in Valley Rivalry Series.

Blake Sasaki, San Jose State’s senior associate athletic director for external relations, said the issues were primarily design-related. The trophy had a second base on it, which has since been removed, that made it extremely heavy and bulky and there was also inaccurate information on the plaques.

For one, it said “Fresno State University” and possessed an outdated logo. As many of you know, Fresno State University does not exist. While its sports team use the moniker Fresno State, the school is officially Cal State University Fresno. (San Jose State, on the other hand, is officially San Jose State University).

I now hate this trophy and love this rivalry. LONG LIVE THE VALLEY CUP!

UPDATE: It’s canceled. No Valley Cup. Why are we playing this season?

And go Rutgers. Though I can’t help but feel like Schiano blew his load trying to lose by less than 30 to Ohio State...

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

#20 USC Trojans (-3, O/U 58) at Utah Utes [9:30pm, ESPN2]

Watch That

Washington State Cougars at Stanford Cardinal

10pm | FS1 | Stanford -2.5 | O/U 64.5

Boise State Broncos at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10pm | CBSSN | Boise -14 | O/U 60

First, always watch national broadcasts from the Islands until it becomes a blowout. (It’s likely that happens, but Hawaii could be fun for a bit—this ain’t your older brother’s Boise squad, and Chevan Cordeiro remains Good Fun as a QB.)

Seeing a game at Stanford has reminded me of the bummer that was last year’s NU trip to Palo Alto...and how much I miss traveling to watch this crap team.

It was hot as balls in those bleachers. I sweated through my shorts. My wife would not speak to me. And the other day she turns to me and says “I miss when we traveled to Stanford. Can we do that again for ‘Cats football when this all clears up?”

HONEY, CAN WE EVER.

I’ve written before about my trips—a dumbass overnight drive to Duke with a hurricane approaching, in particular, but also Salt Lake City for the NCAA Tournament, watching NU beat Notre Dame in South Bend, THIS FUCKING GAME in Lincoln—but there was always a bit of tension, in part because I took those trips alone, usually while I was already away for grad school. But it was really damn cool to do Stanford with my wife, who has tolerated my Northwestern fandom—and is kind enough to avoid reading this website, even after I make fun of her taste in music.

She went so far as to ask where we could travel next. So I’ll let you, the readers, decide:

• Durham, NC: at Duke Blue Devils (2021, 2023)
• New Orleans: at Tulane Green Wave (2025)
• Boulder, CO: at Colorado Buffaloes (2027)
• Some other crap Big Ten city for a road game—I only need to check off Rutgers, Ohio State, and Penn State on my list of stadiums visited.

---

Here’s your schedule for the weekend. Thread will be for tonight only; Dead Read’s got you tomorrow for Minnesota-Purdue.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

Fuck you, Judy.