My friends from Northwestern and I had kind of the classic geographic dispersal after our graduation: I went back home and then off to graduate school, another went to grad school in Columbus to build spaceships or moon bridges or some shit, still another to work in consulting in Chicago—then to get his MBA, and now to Denver, a real asshole—and a third off to med school. Today we live in the Twin Cities, Los Angeles, Denver, and Chicago, respectively.
During those twists and turns of life moving toward 30, though, we weren’t exactly where we thought we’d wind up just yet: I was pounding pavement to Cedar Falls and Vermillion and Stevens Point while living in Milwaukee, the doctor was stationed in Peoria, the consultant on his way from Chicago to Charlottesville, and the outer space guy...well, he was somewhere in rural-ass Colorado, closer to Farmington, New Mexico, than anywhere.
He also has a severe phobia of creamy white things.
[I’ll stop to let you giggle.]
In college, if we were out for Mexican food and a dollop of sour cream came on his plate, he would send the whole plate back regardless of if the sour cream touched anything he planned to eat. We’d take spoonfuls of mayo and hold them near his face—he’d swing wildly at us, usually punching the spoon and sometimes us. Didn’t matter if it was mayo or marshmallow fluff, he did not like creamy white substances of any kind.
Well, amid his exile to buttfuck Colorado, he wasn’t thrilled with his living arrangements. And we decided he needed cheering up. So without telling anyone, I did this:
Best $7 I ever spent.
Duke’s Egg Jizz Bowl
wisconsin badgers (3-3) vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons
11am | ESPN | wisc -10 | O/U 51
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, NC
Why couldn’t this be something cool, like the BBQ Bowl?
Honestly, “Mayo Bowl” is shit for SEO so I might go back and just change everything to “Egg Jizz Bowl” and let the hundred clicks this’ll get trickle to dozens.
I’m honestly not sure that I get the Wake Forest pessimism. The wisconsin defense is good and will keep the Deacs well under their 38 point-a-game clip, but Wake played to its level, too, in a 23-16 upset of Virginia Tech—though that 45-21 loss at Louisville to close the season is ugly.
Wake pounds the ball ahead with two backs in Christian Beal-Smith and touchdown machine Kenneth Walker III, with RS sophomore Sam Hartman making few mistakes to date (10 TD to 1 INT)—but the Deacs’ offensive “thing” is that they play fast, running 80.3 plays per game in 2020, off their nation-leading 82.9 in 2019 but still damn speedy. (The badgers, by comparison, run 73.8, 43rd nationally.)
I guess it’s tough to be optimistic when Wake allows 5.0 yards per rush and is in the mid-80s nationally in both passer rating allowed and sack percentage, but the layoff could work in anybody’s favor.
Alright, that’s 100 words on the Mayo Bowl, can I go? I hate you, beez.
For ALL THE MAYO
This poll is closed
Cotton Bowl Classic
#7 Florida Gators (8-3) vs. #6 Oklahoma Sooners (8-2)
7pm | ESPN | OU -7 | O/U 64.5
AT&T Stadium, Arlington, TX
Florida’s top FOUR pass catchers—beginning, of course, with TE Kyle Pitts—have all opted out of this game, so Kyle Trask will have to throw to four-stars instead of five-stars. Pity the Gators, won’t you?
This should still be some fun, I’d think? Off the bat I would’ve tipped the Gators as the better team here, and yet the Sooners are somehow 7-point favorites. I assume that’s because of the Florida opt-outs (others are WRs Kadarius Toney and Trevon Grimes, along with CB Marco Wilson), but Oklahoma nearly choked the Big XII title to trash-ass Iowa State. I’d still be grabbing the over here—no problem believing this should be something dumb like 42-35.
More importantly, when will we get another GOOD bowl game?
I just want something fun to fall asleep on the couch while watching. These have sucked so far—and, as Texas’ romp over Colorado showed us last night, we’re gonna have to deal with Top-10 Texas again next fall.
For all the cotton
This poll is closed
People who illegally camped out on land and somehow became a symbol of state pride which is the whitest shit imaginable now that I think about it
I’ll get some basketball stuff up below this. I’m gonna do the bare minimum on basketball today; preview’s over here if you want, since tonight’s games suck.
Nebraska at #25 Ohio State
5:30pm | BTN
Penn State at Indiana
7:30pm | BTN
Here’s your thread for the day’s games. Enjoy.