Update, 12/5: There is only Northwestern-Chicago State today. This was all a fantastic idea.

Also lol wisconsin RING OUT AHOYA

Some Big Ten basketball games happened this week. Wanna know more?

Iowa beat Western Illinois by roughly 100 last night. Luka Garza scored a lot of points but the Hawkeye offense was otherwise pretty inefficient; thankfully they don’t play anyone good any time soon so I’m sure none of this will be a problem, no sir.

Big Ten Games

Here are the Big Ten games (already!) happening. All times CT.

Friday, December 4

Maryland Terrapins vs. St. Peter’s Peacocks

2pm | BTN | MD -13 | O/U 134

The Fightin’ ‘Cocks are a tricky out—they took St. John’s to the wire and should’ve gotten the W in Carnesecca. Forwards Fousseyni Drame and K.C. Ndefo, along with Daryl Banks III, handle the scoring for the Peacocks, who slow things down (KP 330 in tempo despite playing St. John’s) and can splash the three with decent efficiency.

I’ve just talked myself into St. Peter’s covering.

#8 Michigan State Spartans vs. Detroit Mercy Titans

4pm | BTN | MSU -25.5 | O/U 152

This is the Titans’ first game. I can’t be bothered to learn anything about them; I doubt they’re very good.

I lied; Antoine Davis scored 24.5 ppg last year and is back this year. That’s fun.

#4 wisconsin badgers at Marquette Golden Eagles

6pm | FS1 | wisc -4.5 | O/U 137

IT’S HATE WEEK.

Marquette is prone to its baffling, frustrating, annoying stretches—they shot 8 of 31 in the second half against Oklahoma State, and their raw potential probably won’t be able to hang with the veteran, balanced badger offense.

But MY Marquette Golden Eagles have the size to match up with wisconsin: twin towers Dawson Garcia and MY LARGE ADULT SON Theo John can challenge Nate Reuvers and Micah Potter inside, while senior G Koby McEwen can score in buckets and Jamal Cain is a double-double threat who will provide a nice test for Aleem Ford.

So fuck it: Eagles by 5. Get dicked, sconnies. RING OUT AHOYA.

Purdue Boilermakers vs. Valparaiso Crusaders

6pm | BTN | Purdue -16 | O/U 140

Outlook: The Crusaders just lost to UIC. This will go about as well as you expect it to.

Who will Zach Edey eat tonight? That appears to be F Ben Krikke (12 ppg, 2.5 rpg), who tips the scales at 6’9”, 230.

Why the new format? I’m previewing Purdue-Valpo. You’re lucky we’re talking about it at all.

Minnesota Golden Gophers vs. North Dakota Fighting Hawks

8pm | BTN | Minn -21.5 | O/U 149

The Fighting Hawks just lost to Dixie State in the Trailblazers’ first Division 1 game.

Can you imagine some team doing that?

UND is one of the worst defensive teams in the country, Marcus Carr should score eleventy billion points, and Ralph Engelstad is a Nazi memorabilia-collecting fuckstain.

Saturday, December 5

Maryland at James Madison Dukes

2pm | FloHoops

No. [Update: Nope!]

Northwestern Wildcats vs. Chicago State Cougars

4pm | BTN | NU by a lot

Chicago State HC Lance Irvin is not coaching this season because he is a two-time cancer survivor. (Yes, I willingly read a WAC basketball message board. Moving on.)

Huge kudos to the Cougars for staying entirely in Illinois (the first nine non-conference games) and Iowa (Drake and Iowa State). No player is averaging 10 ppg, the whole team is averaging under 50 ppg, and my only hope for this game is that Ryan Young shows off some post moves against 7’ Luxembourg center Lou Demuth.

Now I’m actually excited for this game—a 7-foot Luxemburger center. YES.

#23 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Alabama A&M Bulldogs

6pm | BTN | OSU by a lot more

Your garden-variety bad SWAC team. I will not be looking into this game any more.

[Because it’s not happening!]

#5 Illinois Fighting Illini vs. Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks

8pm | BTN+? | oh the humanity

The Skyhawks are in a battle with SIU Edwardsville to be the worst team in the OVC.

None of that matters, because in deciding to do a little research, I realized this game is canceled. Moving on.

Sunday, December 6

Nebraska Cornhuskers vs. Florida A&M Rattlers

1pm | BTN

Michigan Wolverines vs. UCF Knights

3pm | BTN

The Knights aren’t bad and play decent defense (65th in KP). But Tacko Fall is not here (is Johnny Dawkins still here?), so that’s about that.

Ooh, they beat Auburn! That’s fun.

#8 Michigan State vs. Western Michigan Broncos

5pm | BTN

The Broncos hung tight with Butler in a season-opening 66-62 lost, then had two straight games canceled for COVID. They’re led by the scoring of B. Artis White, which is a pretty bitchin’ first name to have.

Penn State Nittany Lions vs. Seton Hall Pirates

7pm | BTN

The Hall has a win over Iona, 1-point loss at Louisville, and then got pounded at Rhode Island with former Terp product Makhi Mitchell grabbing a double-double for the Rams.

I have no idea what Penn State does, so I’ll just mention that the Pirates are led by F Sandro Mamukelashvili, which is just fantastic.

Other Games of Interest?

Friday, December 4

Fairfield Stags at Stony Brook Seawolves

3pm | ESPN3 | Stony Brook -4 | O/U 129

It’s a game. It’s on.

Georgia State Panthers at Charlotte 49ers

5pm | YouTube Live | GASt -3.5 | O/U 143

A genuinely competitive game, plus, YouTube Live! That’s kind of novel!

South Dakota State Jackrabbits at Bradley Braves

7pm | ESPN3 | Bradley -1 | O/U 137

Your reminder that the Jacks went to Ames and won a pay game over stupid-ass Iowa State. You truly hate to see it.

#21 Oregon Ducks at Seton Hall Pirates

8pm | FS1 | UO -2.5 | O/U 142

Are you a Penn State basketball fan? Do you want a preview of Seto—hey wait where are you going come back

Long Beach State 49ers at Loyola Marymount Lions

9pm | WCCtv | LMU -7.5 | O/U 145.5

The last game on. Always tune in for the last game on.

HOW IS DAN MONSON STILL EMPLOYED