With victories over Minnesota, Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State still fresh in the minds of the Hawkeye faithful, The United States became the latest entity to suffer a crushing blow at night in Iowa.
Voters, wonks, and pundits from across the country tuned in for what they thought would be a routine outing in the Hawkeye state. For three quarters the event went according to plan. Caucus goers went through their first and second alignments with ease, and were pleasant and “Iowa nice” for the news cameras.
“What an adorable little tradition this caucus is” mused CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, “you really love to see this cute hands-on approach to democracy”.
Chris Matthews from MSNBC had a similar take, saying “This looks like a lot of fun! What sweet, old timey politics these midwesterners have”.
Things took a turn in the fourth quarter. Just when the United States let themselves get comfortable, Iowa was back on their usual bullshit. A few short delays caused by elderly caucus volunteers being confused by the app used for reporting votes led the way, backed by a strong attack of gross incompetence and a defense of general confusion over the process. Within minutes it was clear that The United States was about to take the L.
The usual complaints about the officiating started pouring in. “Why the absolute fuck do they still use this archaic system?” Chris Matthews jeered to the camera, “what a stupid, overly complicated process. Three rounds of vote totals? More like three rounds of shit. FUUUUUUCK this. I thought this was their Super Bowl”
Wolf Blitzer added “Why does Iowa always have to go first anyway? They’re too white and rural! Shouldn’t we do like, California or something? This sucks shit.”
According to reports, America is considering moving Iowa back to the cupcake part of their schedule.
Kirk Ferentz could not be reached for comment