UPDATE: Per basically every source, the Big Ten Tournament has been canceled, along with almost every other NCAAB tournament (except the Big East, as of 12:20 pm EDT)

In a world in which “social distancing” and “flattening the curve” are now suddenly a normal thing, I guess...we hang out online and talk to internet friends about bad basketball?

Actually, that doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world.

Look, Boilerman has already taken the time this morning to express his thoughts about the coronavirus and March Madness—I wholeheartedly second his call to take care of yourselves and those around you. Listen to experts, don’t do stupid things that put yourself and others at risk, and, for the love of God, wash your hands.

I’ve now linked to a Tik Tok on Off Tackle Empire, and if there was nothing else that signaled to me that this is (1) a really, really weird time to be alive, and (2) probably the end of civilization as we know it, it’s this.

Anyway, the Big Ten conference tournament continues today, and I don’t really know what to tell you. We have full previews for you here, though those have undoubtedly changed now that there will be no fans in Bankers Life Fieldhouse:

Here are some thoughts anyways, given in more of a Don’t Watch This; Watch That style:

Thursday Morning

[9] Michigan Wolverines vs. [8] Rutgers Scarlet Knights

11am | BTN | Mich -2.5 | O/U 135

Big Ten Tournament Quarterfinals, Bankers Life Fieldhouse, Indianapolis, IN

While I really like the Gloria Gaynor thing above, I’m more into the “Happy Birthday” method of handwashing—though I have this weird hitch where whenever I sing it to myself as I watch my hands, I fill in the Marilyn Monroe “Happy biiiiirthday, Mr. Presidennnnnt...” line.

In the sultry voice thing, too.

I’m concerned I may already have come down with something.

Other Games To Watch

St. John’s Red Storm vs. Creighton Bluejays

11am | FS1 | Creighton -5 | O/U 151.5

Big East Tournament, Madison Square Garden, New York

Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. Texas Longhorns

11:30am | ESPN2 | TTU -5.5 | O/U 125

Big 12 Tournament, Sprint Center, Kansas City, MO

VCU Rams vs. UMass Minutemen

11am | NBCSN | VCU -7 | O/U 136.5

Atlantic 10 Tournament, Barclays Center, Brooklyn, NY

Anyway, here are some other songs to sing whilst washing your hands.

Thursday Afternoon

[12] Minnesota Golden Gophers vs. [5] Iowa Hawkeyes

1:25ish | BTN | Iowa -1.5 | O/U 149

Big Ten Tournament Quarterfinals, Bankers Life Fieldhouse, Indianapolis, IN

The Gophers trailed at halftime against my Northwestern Wildcats amid a clang-fest, but some hot shooting from Gabe Kalscheur and Marcus Carr easily dispatched the outmanned ‘Cats. And so the Gophers—currently living out a “worst case 2020” scenario—get a “best case 2020” club in the somewhat-inexplicably successful Iowa Hawkeyes.

Inexplicable to the point that Connor McCaffrey won a conference sportsmanship award.

By the way, in honor of Pete Nance’s almost John Shurna-esque trajectory (certainly not his form) on all his shots, here’s what “flattening the curve” means:

New York Times

Other Games To Watch

Sacramento State Hornets vs. Eastern Washington Eagles

1pm | PlutoTV | EWU -4 | O/U 135.5

Big Sky Tournament, CenturyLink Arena, Boise, ID

North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. Duke Blue Devils

1:30pm | ESPN | Duke -8 | O/U 152.5

ACC Tournament, Greensboro Coliseum, Greensboro, NC

Oregon State Beavers vs. Oregon Ducks

2pm | Pac-12 Network | Oregon -7 | O/U 138

Pac-12 Tournament, T-Mobile Arena, Las Vegas, NV

Chicago State Cougars vs. New Mexico State Aggies

2pm | ESPN+ | NMSU -28 | O/U 131.5

WAC Tournament, Orleans Arena, Las Vegas, NV

I just wanted to highlight that last game, which features the 4-25 (0-14), KP #353 Chicago State Cougars and the 25-6 (16-0), KP #91. The WORST TEAM IN COLLEGE BASKETBALL against an aberrationally good mid-major.

Go Cougars.

Thursday Evening

[10] Purdue Boilermakers vs. [7] Ohio State Buckeyes

5:30pm | BTN | OSU -2 | O/U 128.5

Big Ten Tournament Quarterfinals, Bankers Life Fieldhouse, Indianapolis, IN

In lieu of me actually offering anything here, suffice it to say that Boilerman31’s preview of this game and his thoughts on March Madness amid the coronavirus should be enough for you:

Other Games to Watch

La Salle Explorers vs. Davidson Wildcats

5pm | NBCSN | Davidson -9 | O/U 137

Atlantic 10 Tournament, Barclays Center, Brooklyn, NY

Toledo Rockets vs. Bowling Green Falcons

5:30pm | ESPN+ | Toledo -1.5 | O/U 147.5

MAC Tournament presented by Visit Myrtle Beach, Rocket Mortgage Fieldhouse, Cleveland, OH

I’m not so much recommending you watch Toledo-Bowling Green or the MAC Tournament as I was just wanting to highlight that the MAC Tournament—played, as it should be, in Cleveland—is presented by Visit Myrtle Beach.

Myrtle Beach is also sponsoring a new MAC bowl game in 2020, why do you ask?

OK, one more thing (because it’s a funny tweet):

Thursday Late Games

[11] Indiana Hoosiers vs. [6] Penn State Nittany Lions

7:55pm | BTN | PSU -2.5 | O/U 138

Big Ten Tournament Quarterfinals, Bankers Life Fieldhouse, Indianapolis, IN

First, the Fred Hoiberg thing:

After Hoiberg left the game, leaving former coach Doc Sadler—along with football players Noah Vedral and new internet sensation Brant Banks—to finish out the game on the court for the Huskers, a brief internet panic ensued as the Nebrasketball squad was quarantined in the locker room.

Thankfully, the denouement:

I am not a college basketball coach—or a college coach of any stripe, which is an objectively smart consideration—but I cannot understand where in our ape skulls we decide it is a good idea to go to work on death’s door with the flu. It truly must be a different profession where you decide your 7-24 team cannot function for a single evening—led by a backup assistant coach who has done this literal thing before—without you.

Get well, Mayor. And never do something so fucking moronic again.

Other Games to Watch

West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Oklahoma Sooners

8pm | ESPN2 | WVU -4 | O/U 134.5

Big 12 Tournament, Sprint Center, Kansas City, MO

CSU Bakersfield Roadrunners vs. UT Rio Grande Valley Vaqueros

8pm | ESPN+ | UTRGV -2 | O/U 133.5

WAC Tournament, Orleans Arena, Las Vegas, NV

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Seton Hall Pirates

8:30pm | FS1 | SHU -3.5 | O/U 150.5

Big East Tournament, Madison Square Garden, New York

Idaho State Bengals vs. Montana Grizzlies

9pm | PlutoTV | Montana -10 | O/U 141

Big Sky Tournament, CenturyLink Arena, Boise, ID

The Bengals’ win over Northern Arizona yesterday was their first in the Big Sky Tournament in 11 years. Goddamn.

UC Davis Aggies vs. Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10:30pm | ESPN3 | Hawaii -2 | O/U 138

Big West Tournament, Honda Center, Anaheim, CA

Utah Valley Wolverines vs. Seattle Redhawks

10:30pm | ESPN+ | Sea -2.5 | O/U 144.5

WAC Tournament, Orleans Arena, Las Vegas, NV

I want to mention that it’s still ridiculous that SBNation has the UTRGV Vaqueros (an objectively awesome rebrand) listed as the “Texas Pan American Broncs”—meaning that’s how I have to type them in to get it SEO’d—while they have clearly been the Vaqueros for a few years now.

Or maybe I’m the only SBNation writer who’s cared enough to notice.

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Here’s your open thread for the day. We’ll put a new one up if, somehow, you blow this one up. Be safe and smart out there, people.