Nobody Wants To Hear From Tom Brady Or Michael Jordan

On the heels of an apparently very successful (not even remotely a) “documentary” “about” Michael Jordan’s time with the Chicago Bulls, ESPN announced that it is producing something even more horrific than a hagiography passed off as a documentary about Jordan—for which Jordan retained control over the final cut of the footage: A 9-part “documentary” series about Tom Brady. That’s right, everyone’s favorite mediocre Michigan alum—who system QB’d and outright cheated his way into a stellar postseason record and an ever-growing list of snake oil wellness products he apparently needs to push to maintain his wealthy lifestyle—is FINALLY getting the attention and fellating he so richly deserves.

A tragic announcement like this can only mean one thing: The OTE Writers have been asked to answer another prompt, with the results posted below and hopefully your answers in the comments:

What would you rather watch a 10-hour documentary about than Tom fucking Brady? Please explain why your choices are actually surprising and how they demonstrate just how much you don’t want to see a 10 hour Brady bj

NOTE: I wrote the prompt before I knew it was going to be 9 parts rather than 10 hours. Also “bj” is shorthand for blowjob, because the joke here is that the Jordan “documentary” was laudatory-by-design, and I can only imagine how autofellating a “documentary” about the most fawned-over athlete in the last 20 years will be.

Beez: I would rather watch 10 hours of a Nebraska fan and an Iowa fan fighting over which school has a better claim to Wisconsin’s success since the early 90s

Boilerman31: Creepy old man answer? GiselleActual answer? 10 hours of Star Wars fans arguing with Star Trek fans arguing with BSG fans arguing with Stargate fans

CandystripesForBreakfast: I’ll just leave this here.

MNWildcat: I would rather watch a 10-hour Game of Thrones fanfic panel at Comic-Con than watch that documentary.I would rather listen to 10 hours of debate over theories on the last Stars War.I would rather listen to @thumpasaurus give a 10-hour dissertation on Illini football failures since December 1966. (Please, Thump, this is not an invitation.)

WhiteSpeedReceiver: The only way I’d watch that trash is if it was 10 hours of a scientist berating him for his bullshit snakeoil supplements. I’d rather watch a 10 hour documentary on 55-0 by the GIA boys.

AndrewK: I’d rather watch 10 hours of debate between the First Take guys on whether Bobby Williams or John L Smith was a bigger disaster

Deadread: I would rather prepare for a colonoscopy than watch a documentary about Tom Brady.

pkloa: I’d rather watch 10 hours of The Making of Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker’s Apocalypse. A documentary about a documentary. What libraries the documentarians visited, how the microphones and cameras were arranged, interviews with the person who set up the curtain behind the interview area. Okay, I’d actually like to watch a couple hours of that.

jessecollins: I’d rather watch a ten hour documentary on the making of Paw Patrol.
AndrewK: Senator Humdinger declined to be interviewed for this production
WhiteSpeedReceiver: Don’t you mean Federal Court Justice Humdinger?
AndrewK: Fuck. Yeah, probably on the short list for DC Circuit too

GoForThree: I would rather watch every Army Navy Game from 2002-2015 without a bathroom break.

Brian: I don’t know what you guy are talking about. I can’t wait.
pkloa: ^the absolute worst

I hope you get popcorn stuck in between all of your molars, Brian.