BEEZ PRESS (Indiana, somewhere) — Fans came all the way from their nearby home to Indiana to see a wiffleball game for the ages; imagine their surprise when a wifflefootball game broke out. Spectators of all ages saw offense, hit batters, offense, possibly torn cruciate ligaments, and more offense as OTE Cleanup Hitter Boilerman31 showed why he’s Dad and, more importantly, why Dad should really warm up before gametime.
Bman31 obliterated the ball on offense, looking like the alien spaceships from Independence Day (before Jeff Goldbloom and Will Smith did a DDOS attack that somehow worked) as he crushed pitch after pitch after pitch. By the end of the day, Bman31 tallied four hits in five plate appearances, falling a homerun short of the cycle, legging out a triple(!) and two doubles, and driving in five runs before old age and the ghosts of Purdue stole his MCL and ended the game early.
On defense, Bman31 looked like the buildings underneath the alien spaceships from Independence Day, repeatedly imploding and, frankly, embarrassing wiffleball pitchers everywhere. In just three innings, the normally reliable Bman31 gave up ten hits, hit five batters somehow, and gave up eight runs, four earned. As unlucky as his Purdue-mandated MCL maybe tear was for his offensive day, the possible career-ending injury frankly saved his ass on the pitching mound. Fans await test results, hopeful that his injury is minor and requires only some rest and ice. Regardless of what the medical nerds say, Memorial Day Weekend 2020 showed that life goes on, sports will somehow find a way, and if you ever attended or rooted for Purdue, just get robot knees now.
(Bman31 Note: We still won, so there’s that.)
BEEZ PRESS (Minnesota? Wisconsin?) — Tennis and Marriage: Both start with love, have nets in the middle, and apparently end on the couch. OTE cub reporter MNW sends us this report on the 2020 Norske Nook Upper Midwest Open Championships:
Mixed doubles. Charged back from an 0-4 deficit that involved me dumping a forehand volley into the net from about 2 feet away, held serve to go up 5-4 with a beautiful one-handed backhand that split our opponents at the net. There was also a 10-minute break at the 3-4 changeover when the gals decided to start gabbing about bachelorette party and wedding plans, though claims that it unfairly impacted the match are currently under investigation.
Ended in a 5-5 tie forced by rain,My partner and I did not see eye-to-eye during the match. As a result, I slept on the couch.
Controversy, rain delays, and ties: This is why we love sports.
BP (Texas, I think) — OTE extreme sports legend Jesse Collins went full X-Games mode over the holiday weekend, introducing a new generation to the real-life inspiration for video game masterpieces such as Skate or Die and Tony Hawk Pro Skater. Collins, in the midst of “I don’t know, I have to clean...uh...the attic, yeah that’s it!” this past weekend discovered his first true love, boxed up in the back.
Buried under a pile of Billabong t-shirts, unopened “collectible” tech decks, and a poster that says “Through These Doors Walk The Illest Shredders In Skateboarding,” Collins broke out his skateboard and ran through all those famous skateboarding tricks we know so well. Collins spent the afternoon showing off for his four-year old child, demonstrating just how fun and easy it can be to sprain your ankle or suffer bilateral knee bruising.
Caught in an honest, quiet moment after the event, between sips of Monster (the yellow kind), Collins summed up the day: “Sure, I’ve got bad knees and will regret this as a 35 year old with children, but sports!”
BP (Minnesota) — American Gladiators or WhiteSpeedReceiver’s mom’s backyard? Only the most practiced observers could tell the difference on a Sunday full of obstacles, challenges, and ATV daredevil-ry, even if Nitro and Blaze were conspicuously absent.
Taking full advantage of the beautiful late-May weather, WSR set up a timed obstacle course at his mom’s house. The course included a basketball hoop, a golf net, a baseball tee, a volleyball net (with a tire to aim for), a football throw, numerous cones for slaloming, and a work ATV that needed to be raced across the property. Spectators watched in wonder as a sorta old man attempted a bunch of quasi-boot camp athletic tasks and managed not to hurt himself. Rumors that the lack of official timed results are attributed to WSR’s poor performance are flying around Minnesota days after the competition, but so far no official word on the cause of the missing data.
KindergartenSpeedReciever stole the day, burning through all obstacles and taking aggressive angles and paths with the ATV. Ultimately, KSR’s run ended with a tipped-over ATV—the result of too aggressive cornering—but reportedly had “a blast” anyway. Preparations for 2021 are already underway, with WSR planning to add a challenge where he fires tennis balls out of a cannon at his children as they try to hit a target with a nerf gun. Stay tuned.
BP (Maryland?) — Sports takes many forms, and the American need for competition can be filled in many ways. This centuries-old adage of American life was on full display this weekend, along with most of Brian B2’s body and all of his Green credentials.
“Basically, the easiest way to explain what I did, was that I found a way to throw beer cans—to shoot them, if you will—from my deck directly into my recycling bin,” B2 explained when reporters caught up with him Monday. “Here’s how it works: Step 1, underwear only. It might seem strange, but when you realize I can go from bed to deck to drunk, all without putting clothes on or being anywhere anyone might see me. It’s freeing, too, especially when uh....”
After a lengthy pause, reporters flung follow-up questions and B2, as if they were beer cans from a nearby deck headed toward a recycling bin. “Oh right, the game,” B2 continued. “Yeah so you just drink the beer and then chuck it off the deck into the recycling. That’s really it. Plus the no pants thing.”
Technically, This Is Sports.
BP (Alamance, North Carolina) — A socially distanced birthday cookout turned into a socially distanced sports thing on Monday, as local reporter Beezer07 joined his friends in a game of “let’s throw this bouncy ball as high as we can and try to land it on the other side of the pavilion roof where it will bounce to the other player.” Rules were light, scoring was nonexistent, but Sports was everywhere.
Imagine, if you will, throwing a bouncy ball as high into the air as you can manage, all why trying to land it on a small space the size of the roof of a large park pavilion. Now imagine it bouncing off toward another person, who either catches it or doesn’t, and who then throws it back. That’s it, that’s the sports.
Spectators who paid $10 to park, $20 for standing room only tickets, and $5 per beer or hotdog left wondering why they’d come all this way and spent all this money. More importantly they left wondering whether what they’d seen was even sports.
Dr. Jark Fillerson, professor of kineseology and sports definitions and nearby Elon University, explained: “There are basically two questions when determining if something is a sport. First, did it involve a ball, a piece of sports equipment, scoring, sweating, competition, or just being outside? Second, does it cause anyone over the age of thirty to feel pain and soreness the next day? If the answer to both is ‘yes,’ by definition it’s a sport.”
There you have it, folks. Sports.
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