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Ranking Big Ten Coaches by Music Career Potential

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A Friday-at-4pm news dump.

Iowa v Penn State Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

First off, what the hell, 2020?

I am excited to listen to this and make it my alarm clock in the morning only to have my wife threaten divorce within :05 of it going off. Congrats on the single, Gary.

But it got me thinking: Which Big Ten coach has the potential for a career in music? A highly-scientific ranking:

14. Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern Wildcats

This whole article idea was a mistake. (Also, you’re a Sox fan, Fitz, stop doing this.)

T-13. Ryan Day, Ohio State Buckeyes
T-13. Jeff Brohm, Purdue Boilermakers
T-13. Greg Schiano, Rutgers Scarlet Knights

Generic meatheads doing generic meathead things? No thanks. Only reason they beat out Fitz is because there’s not video of them singing. Smart.

10. Tom Allen, Indiana Hoosiers

As someone who leads/volunteers in a vaguely religious ministry, mainstream Christian music is, uh...

...

...

...

9. Paul Chryst, wisconsin badgers

Sit up straight, young man, and open that hymnal to “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.” I won’t tell you again.

Not a singing voice I’d pay anything to hear, but...respectful.

8. Jim Harbaugh, Michigan Wolverines

From this uncomfortable video...

...we’ve got strong “overenthusiastic Dad cantor at a Catholic Mass” vibes. As an overenthusiastic sometimes-cantor (though not Dad) myself, I strongly identify. But those churches don’t pay enough, Jim. Maybe try opera.

7. Mike Locksley, Maryland Terrapins

Locks listed Citizen Cope as his favorite singer. I don’t know what to do with that information, but I will cautiously put him in the middle of the pack.

6. Kirk Ferentz, Iowa Hawkeyes

Would he be a closet jazz saxophonist, a la Duke Silver? A performance poet? A folk singer with a traveling band?

I don’t know, but I want to hear this man sing:

5. Scott Frost, Nebraska Cornhuskers

As GoIowaAwesome noted last fall, Frost’s favorite band is the Casey Donahew Band, whatever the hell that is. And Frost definitely gives off strong vibes befitting either a youth pastor or the Tuesday night “live country” act at the townie bar that advertises $1 Fireball shots.

I’m calling bullshit.

Like Joe Mauer, I am willing to bet that Scott Frost has recorded at least one “rap” track.

I will pay good money and/or marshal the entire SBNation budget for college football—which at this point is a pack of Juicyfruit and a lint-covered nickel—to anyone who can get me that track.

4. PJ Fleck, Minnesota Golden Gophers

The man is basically a career sing-along leader. The Wiggles have made a whole career out of being enthusiastic for kids and getting them to buy into creepy stuff, why not Peejus?

3. James Franklin, Penn State Nittany Lions

The Jay-Z fan notably declined a rap battle from Method Man, keeping him from the top spot on these rankings.

I’d just be worried he’d be too busy shouting at people to sing along the whole time.

2. Mel Tucker, Michigan State Spartans

Admittedly, this one’s a little speculative. But given the man’s propensity for posting his Spotify playlists and tweeting something called “Mel Tucker’s Old School Hip Hop Playlist,” I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

1. Lovie Smith, Illinois Fighting Illini

Grow the beard back out and put out a whole soul album, Lovie. This is what America needs.

Help us heal.

Poll

Whose music career would go the farthest?

This poll is closed

  • 33%
    Lovie
    (80 votes)
  • 6%
    Mel
    (16 votes)
  • 13%
    Franklin
    (31 votes)
  • 14%
    PJ’s Happy-Time Sing-Along
    (34 votes)
  • 5%
    MC Frost Warning
    (13 votes)
  • 6%
    Kirk???
    (16 votes)
  • 4%
    Locksley?
    (10 votes)
  • 3%
    Overenthusiastic Dad Cantor Harbaugh
    (9 votes)
  • 3%
    Chryst, Be Our Light
    (8 votes)
  • 5%
    Tom Allen and the Non-Demoninational Up-Front Band
    (12 votes)
  • 2%
    The Kenny Chesney Fanclub
    (7 votes)
236 votes total Vote Now