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Dear God, Bowl Season, What Have You Done?

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Let’s review what mayonnaise is:

Disgusting egg jizz.

That’s it. That’s the tweet. That’s all you need to know. Official Editorial Policy of Off Tackle Empire is, now, and ever shall be, world without end, Amen—mayonnaise is disgusting egg jizz.

It’s why it pains me to report...

Out: Belk Bowl. In: Duke’s Mayo Bowl.
Duke’s Mayonnaise is the new sponsor of a a college football regular-season game and postseason bowl.

Dear God, college football. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

We have already discussed the potential for what ALL the bowl games should dump on the head of the winning coach, from the Tony the Tiger Bowl’s pouring of anti-masturbation aids on Herm Edwards to Frank Solich bathed in soggy starch sticks.

But now...

This is my hell.

I do not want to visit this bowl game. I like to go to all Northwestern’s bowl games—I cannot sit in the lukewarm air of Charlotte in late December as bowl reps pass out this game’s signature snack, a Luke Kuechly-made egg jizz-and-tomato sandwich.

The Big Ten was newly tied into the then-Belk Bowl, having adopted an every-other-year approach with the now-Duke’s Mayo Bowl...and the Las Vegas Bowl.

Yes, imagine that: You can either go to the Las Vegas Bowl, or you can be stuck in Charlotte in late December watching a dancing bottle of off-white albumen semen gin up enthusiasm for a mid-tier bowl game. LAS VEGAS, OR MAYO.

It is for this reason that I call on the Big Ten: DIVEST FROM THE MAYO BOWL.

It’s very simple. Every other year, one 7-5 team that is hopefully not my Northwestern Wildcats but is almost absolutely my Northwestern Wildcats stays home rather than support the insidious tentacles of Big Mayo. Sucks, but better to have stayed home and not eaten mayo than to have gone to a bowl that should be passing out discount clothing but is actually forcing children across the country to eat mayo sandwiches.

DO THE RIGHT THING, KEVIN WARREN. DIVEST NOW.


Now, unfortunately, many people have thoughts on who would appear in the Duke’s Egg Jizz Bowl—and my ‘Cats are near the top of the list.

Now, this is absolutely the Kirk Ferentz of bowl games. But, imagine with me for a second...

Tell us your most Mayo Bowl game in the comments.

2020 is my hell.

Poll

Duke’s Mayo Bowl?

This poll is closed

  • 53%
    DISGUSTING EGG JIZZ.
    (109 votes)
  • 46%
    Amazing, as I am a sick freak.
    (95 votes)
204 votes total Vote Now