Mark Turgeon is the Worst Basketball Coach in the Big Ten

People that get paid a lot of money to analyze various on goings throughout the sporting world would probably find it difficult to assert that Maryland head basketball coach, Mark Turgeon, is the worst coach in his own conference. However, the true heroes, the keyboard warriors over at Testudo Times know these people to be living in a world of grand delusion. Our collective eye-tests know Mark Turgeon is the worst thing to ever happen to Maryland basketball, and maybe even sports overall.

We could spend hours perusing through various analytical stats and in depth numbers to create a mildly objective ranking pertaining to where each Big Ten head basketball coach falls relative to their peers, but who has time for that. Let us simply look at how Turgeon stacks up against his foes through the eyes of a completely unbiased, completely not sarcastic, sane person, like me.

I will individually compare Mark Turgeon’s successes (read: failures) to all of the other coaches in the Big Ten, and soon you will see how horrible of a coach (and human being) Mark Turgeon truly is.

Chris Collins

Chris Collins took North-freaking Western to a single NCAA tournament where they won a single tournament game! Mark Turgeon has never even coached at Northwestern, let alone taken them to the dance!

Collins’s win total at Northwestern in 2019-2020: 8

Turgeon’s win total at Jacksonville State in 1998-1999: 8

Weak ass schedule at Jacksonville State and Turgeon could still only manage EIGHT wins. Fire him now!

Number of times attending Duke University:

Chris Collins: 1

Mark Turgeon: 0

Fran McCaffery

Christ, if Maryland had a head coach with the emotional tenacity of Fran McCaffery we would win every game ever. Mark Turgeon can’t even tie a tie.

Sideline strokes narrowly avoided:

• Fran McCaffery: 17
• Mark Turgeon: 1

Own sons coached:

• Fran McCaffery: 1 (?) or more(?)
• Mark Turgeon: 0

The numbers speak for themselves people, wake up! Mark Turgeon couldn’t even get his own son to play at Maryland, his ineptitude causing his son to scurry off to near by Division III power-house, Catholic University. Way to fail at nepotism, Mark.

Brad Underwood

Brad Underwood took Stephen F Austin to three consecutive NCAA tournaments. Mark Turgeon doesn’t even know how to Lumberjack.

Hilariously blown leads in head-to-head match-ups in 2019-2020:

Brad Underwood: 2

Mark Turgeon: 0

Here we go again, if Turgeon could just coach a full game, we wouldn’t even have to worry about coming back from significant deficits! With all of the talent at Maryland, we should be starting each game with a 24-3 run and beating all of our opponents by 40+ points!

Tim Miles

Tim Miles is still the head coach at Nebraska. Fred Hoiberg...#NotMyHeadCoach. In 2014 Tim Miles took the Cornhuskers to their first tournament in sixteen years. Maryland hasn’t even had to endure such a post-season drought since people liked Ike. Way to take the cushy safe Maryland job Mark, just another example of your soft character.

Times fired by current Big Ten school:

Time Miles: 1

Mark Turgeon: 0

Seein’ a lot of zeroes here Mark!

Tom Izzo

Hard pass.

Presumed number of marbles held in mouth at all times:

Tom Izzo: 15

Mark Turgeon: 1

Be sure not to choke on that marble Turdge! Like you’ve choked away all of our conference tournament games.

Pat Chambers

Pat Chambers has had Penn State on the bubble numerous times, and even managed to have them ranked for a solid portion of this past season. Pat Chambers manages to win games in front of zero home fans, while Mark Turgeon just complains about student turn out during winter break. Stop making excuses Mark.

Terribly untactful comments directed toward players that have recently come to light:

Pat Chambers: 2 or 3, at least.

Mark Turgeon: TBD.

Archie Miller

Okay, seriously, is there any point in me ragging on Archie Miller. My assumption is that almost all Indiana fans hate him already. My assumption is that past successes have poisoned the minds of most Indiana fans, making them think they should exist on some sort of elite plain at almost all times. This has happened to Maryland fans too, but in smaller quantities.

Fan bases suffering from delusions of grandeur:

Archie Miller: 2

Mark Turgeon: 1

Fuckin’ Dayton fans, am I right.

Steve Pikiell

Steve Pikiell led Rutgers to their first win over Maryland in thirty years, and first as members of the Big Ten and my team should never lose to that team because that is how college basketball works. I mean, could you imagine if Duke ever lost to, like, Clemson?! We should have put your head on a spike that instance Mr. Turgeon, you’re lucky New Jersey has such strict head-on-spike laws.

Number of times being significantly better than the “legendary” alumni player/coach they replaced:

Steve Pikiell: 1

Mark Turgeon: 0

Is it fair to call Eddie Jordan legendary? Go Wizards!

Lil Ricky Pitino

Is it possible to talk about the Golden Gophers head basketball coach without making fun of his father? Short answer, no. Long answer, definitely no.

Number of ass hole fathers:

Richard Pitino: 1

Mark Turgeon: 0

Awfully bold of me to assume that Mark Turgeon’s father isn’t an enormous pain in the ass. I almost forgot to include Pitino altogether as I am consistently forgetting Minnesota basketball even exists. How about our game this past season though, eh? Pretty good. How obvious is it that I forgot to write this until about 11:30AM today? CONTENT BABY! Ugh, why are there sooooo many head coaches in the Big Ten.

Matt Painter:

Slightly less hard of a pass.

Uh...number of tournament appearances?:

Matt Painter: 12

Mark Turgeon: 9

Greg Gard/Chris Holtmann

Yes, for the sake of this exercise, they are the same person. Is this an act of overt laziness, no, you shut up now.

Greg Holtman took over for a generational head coach, Bo Matta, and did far better than fans of Wiscostate ever expected him to. Mark Turgeon has never even morphed into some fictional hybrid Big Ten coach super being. Mark Groce? Nope. Tom Crurgeon? No again, but my god, how I wish it could be.

Years spent in miserable Mid-West states:

Greg Holtmann: A lot

Mark Turgeon: Less, maybe?

Mark Turgeon is from the mid-west dammit, everything is falling apart around you Brian. Thank god no one is going to read this far into this disaster.

Juwan Howard:

Oh boy, the gas tank is empty guys. Mark Turgeon probably can’t even pump his own gas.

Number of times misusing a cell phone per NCAA regulations:

Juwan Howard: Several, and counting.

Mark Turgeon: TBD

Show us the Diamond Stone emails you coward prick!

Mark Turgeon:

Yea, that’s right, Mark Turgeon is the first head coach in the history of coaching to be worse than himself.

Oh, and Maryland football is still gonna suck.