The Weekly Mailbag Picks Coaches To Hang Out With and Non-Conference Misery.

Hey, did you know that there’s football tonight? I had completely forgotten!

Here’s our thoughts for the week. Have a wonderful evening (even if you are an Iowa fan), and as good of a weekend as possible.

Given that most coaches seem like a-holes, which one(s) would you like to hang out with? - BRT

Kind of…: Maybe this is weird, but I’ll go with Sam Pittman of Arkansas. Players love him and he basically spent the first 30 years of his career as an OL coach. Seems like a dude who doesn’t take himself too seriously, has a sense of perspective, and is going to enjoy the hell out of the ride. Plus, he’d probably be willing to trash Bert and have some good stories.

Jesse: I wanna hang out with Kevin Kelley. Anyone willing to do insane things as a real, paid professional seems pretty cool. Also, he really seems to like to have fun and make his brand ‘dude whose teams just do crazy shit’.

misdreavus79: Any of the “high energy” coaches. So P.J Fleck, James Franklin, Kliff Kingsbury, etc. I just want to see if they’re as high energy when they’re not representing their school/team.

MNW: Bill Carmody. I want to drink a glass of red wine with Bill Carmody. Nothing in the world would make me happier.

BrianB2: Ed Orgeron or Mike Leach.

pkloa: Give me septuagenarian Steve Spurrier, who somehow gives even less of a shit than he did a decade ago. A weekend of beers and storytime on the golf course would be heaven.

BRT: Ted Lasso, probably. Steve Spurrier would be a hoot though.

WSR: Pittman is really high on my list because trust me when I say that the OL coach is almost always the one you want to hang out with for beers. I’ve been racking my brain trying to think of one I’ve met that isn’t the fun kind of crazy, and I haven’t come up with one yet. And Fleck is the guy I want to go running with in the morning (Yes, he is almost always that energetic Misdreavus) to make sure I didn’t dog it too much. But the coach I want to go hang out with right now is Southern Miss HC Will Hall. Go check him out, because he may be Mississippi Ted Lasso. And that’s something we could all use in our life.

Creighton: I think the number one for me has to be Steve Spurrier, right? If we’re talking about guys who are currently coaching somewhere I would probably have to go with - [loudly sighing for 15 minutes because it hurts to admit this to myself] - Lane Kiffin.

Green Akers: Spurrier is the tempting answer, but I feel like if you aren’t a scratch golfer, he’s just going to spend a good portion of your hangout roasting your approach game, so I’m going to go with Saban. If he were as much of an a-hole as he pretends to be, modern players wouldn’t put up with him, and you know he’s got some interesting stories given the extent of his coaching tree.

RockyMtnBlue: If alcohol is involved Bert is probably really fun. If it’s a sober experience, I’d give a lot to sit down and talk basketball with John Beilein.

Buffkomodo: Mike Leach

Would you rather your embarrassing out of conference losses be to teams you have no business losing to (i.e. bowling green), or by a large margin to a team you hate (ND)? - Atinat

Candystripes: There aren’t really any OOC teams that I hate enough to care if we get blown out by them, and I’ve seen more than enough tripping over MAC squads in my lifetime, so I guess go big and go home.

Kind of…: 100%, no doubt, better to lose to the hated good team. Me after loss to ND: “Shit, guess we’re not near as good as I had hoped.” Me after losing 23-5 (yes, 5) to UNLV at hom in 2003 “I’m fucking embarrassed.” The latter is clearly worse.

Jesse: Yeah, as someone who has gotten used to both, I’m going with large margin to a team I hate that is probably okay at football. That is at least something you’re prepared for mentally. Losing close to shit teams sucks.

misdreavus79: The implication here is that “large margin to a team I hate” is a good team, right? Because “large margin to a team I hate, which my team has no business losing to” is the only thing I can think about now. This is your weekly “Penn State vs Pitt” answer.

MNW: Honestly you kinda get used to both. The out-of-conference losses to teams you shouldn’t...well, you can still win the Big Ten West that way.

BrianB2: What the hell is an out of conference loss? Getting blown out by West Virginia is never all that fun though.

BRT: I get to see both of these pretty often as a Husker fan (#blessed). Assuming the team I hate is decent at football, I think that is better than losing to an awful team. Then again, sometimes the blowouts to teams you hate become memes (/wisconsin scores again) while losses to meh teams are forgotten.

WSR: I’m not really feeling great about the whole “losing to a team you shouldn’t lose to” right now.

Creighton: I’ve experienced both in person and I have to say that getting blown out by a team you hate probably hurts a little less, even though I think it probably says a little more about how good or bad your team is. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as low on my team as I did on the long walk back to my house on Lucas Street from Kinnick Stadium after watching us lose to the Chippewas in 2012.

Green Akers: Let me give a lawyer answer and say it depends on one crucial factor: am I there in person? Because having done both (MSU @ Michigan 2006 and CMU @ MSU 2009), getting railed by a hated rival actually felt easier to withstand in person, even in their stadium. Maybe that was just because everybody understood exactly how far apart the teams were that year and I’m not prone to shit-talking regardless so I didn’t write any checks my team proceeded to bounce. But if you can’t roll your eyes, turn it off, and go cut the grass, sitting through a home loss to a MAC team stays with you, even if you beat them by 40 the next 10 times you play them. Another example, everybody remembers App State/Michigan, but do all the blowouts issued by Ohio State even stand out anymore?

RockyMtnBlue: I’d MUCH rather lose to someone like Bowling Green than (fuck) Notre Dame any day. Margin doesn’t matter. Venue doesn’t matter. I would ALWAYS trade a MAC loss for a ND win.

Buffkomodo: Indiana is able to do both and frequently does. Losing to MACtion is just so much more deflating.

What’s more pathetic: Fans of the East Division going all “SEC SEC SEC” over how good the division is or Scott Frost - beezer07

Candystripes: Wait, the first one is an actual thing? (considers fandom) OK, maybe the rest of the division has lost its mind, but the answer is still Scott Frost. Want proof? Through 37 games, Scott Frost has the same win total as Bill Lynch, and I doubt you’ll find many Indiana fans who were impressed with his coaching skill. Even further, Lynch at least has a winning season to hang his hat on.

Kind of…: Scott Frost. Anytime a grown man coach repeatedly throws his players under the bus, it’s really, really pathetic. As for East fans, yeah, that’s stupid. At the same time, I will credit the fact that it’s happening in a year where OSU looks mortal, and isn’t just the B1G version of “Alabama makes us look good.”

misdreavus79: As a fan of a team in the East, this is the first time I’ve thought about the results so far in any sort of “East vs West supremacy” way. Self-fulfilling prophecy much? So I guess that means Scott Frost by default.

Jesse: I hate football.

BoilerUp89: Scott Frost. They have the 2nd or 3rd most talented roster in the division, but he’s certainly not producing 2nd or 3rd place finishes.

pkloa: Scott Frost, and not only because I recognize the East’s dominance.

BRT: It’s the East Division getting their Confederate States on. Frost is an easy target, because he appears to be a real asshole, but at the end of the day, it’s really not that novel that a football coach is an asshole (see my first question.) OTE is into it because it’s fun to hate Nebraska. There’s a certain type of personality in coaching (and hey, most positions of power!), and it disproportionately rewards guys who are dicks. But the East Division fans hold it in their power to not be this way, and instead, they choose to bring up division records and “haha west bad” comments. This is the Big Ten. They should know better. They do know better. And all of the East writers in this thread being like “I dIdN’t KnOw ThIs WaS eVeN a ThInG” are totally full of shit if they’ve ever read even a single comment section on this site.

WSR: Yes? Yeah, you’re better than the West right now East teams. Congratulations. 2019 wasn’t that long ago when it was Ohio State and then a ton of teams from the West before the next-best Eastern team showed up on the stack. It’ll change again, outside of the Ohio State thing, and we’ll be talking about how everyone in the East needs to change everything.

Creighton: The answer is obviously Frostie, but I’m not going to keep kicking that dead horse because it’s starting to hurt my foot.

Green Akers: Typical West division inferiority complex, git gud Occidentalists

RockyMtnBlue: The answer is always Frost. I will say, though, that I am not ‘all SEC SEC’ about the East. I’m dismissive about how bad the west is (for two more days before we lose back-to-back games against the west, including one to Frosty)

Buffkomodo: Scooter Frooster.

What game in your team’s history was the most exemplary of “We absolutely dominated with one side of the ball but still managed to lose?” (MSU 2018-2019 is low hanging fruit) - KetteringLex

I think UW has taken that crown. Might as well call these “Chrysts.” It’s like a cyst, but more annoying.

1. 2015 loss to Iowa. Outgain Hawkeyes by 100 yds, but 4 turnovers (including fumble on Iowa 1 yd line) lead to 10-6 loss.
2. 2015 loss to NW. Hold Wildcats to about 200 yds, but go -5 in turnover margin and lose 13-7.
3. 2019 loss to Illinois. Outgain Illini by more than 100 yds. -2 in turnover margin and lose on last second FG.
4. 2020 Rose Bowl. Outgain Oregon by 120 yds. -3 in turnover margin and lose.
5. Last year vs. NW. Outgain Wildcats by 100 yds; -4 in turnover margin. Lose.

Didn’t dominate yardage vs. PSU and ND this year to same extent, but turnover story is the same. Sometimes it really sucks cheering for a team that doesn’t value the ball and wastes great defense.

MNW: Akron 2018, I guess (2 pick-sixes! incredible!), but really “gum up the game and win inexplicably” is much more a Northwestern thing than something that happens to Northwestern.

Jesse: hahahahahahahaha, I HATE FOOTBALL

But seriously, even in spite of the MSU game, the worst was the 2009 Big XII Championship game. Never have I seen a defensive performance against a legitimate offense like that. Held Colt McCoy to 20/36 184 0 TDs and 3 INTs. Oh, and they only gained 18 yards on 38 carries. That we lost that game is on an anemic offense and a little bit of bad luck.

BrianB2: I don’t know, Maryland doesn’t do much dominating on either side of the ball. They gained 536 yards in that Ohio State game in 2018...but also gave up 688.

misdreavus79: Hmm, so many to choose from: You can pick 2003-2004, 2011, or 2014. Exceptional defenses in each season, but offenses so dismal that you just knew there’s no way you could come back from a deficit.

BoilerUp89: I’m not familiar with the concept of dominating on either side of the ball against a non-FCS school. Can someone explain it to me?

pkloa: I have a vague memory of Penn State’s defense holding top 25 Iowa to 168 total yards and scoring not one, but TWO safeties. Time for another forgetmenow.

BRT: Feels like there was a really recent example of this for the Huskers, but I just can’t quite put my finger on it…

WSR: 1998 Michigan-Minnesota. Tom Brady-led Wolverines comes into Minneapolis and gets a total of 282 yards, including a magnificent -23 rushing. The defense had a brain fart on the 2nd series and gave up a 76 yard TD to Tai Streets, and that was pretty much it for the Wolverine offense.

The Gophers lost 15-10. We only got 219 yards of our own.

Green Akers: Damn, man. How shall I count the ways:

How about all five conference losses in 2012 by a combined 13 points, in which the offense managed between 10 and 24 points each time? And, since the question mentions ‘18-19 MSU, how about losing both legs of a home-and-home to Arizona State by managing 20 combined points in those games? You get the point, I think.

RockyMtnBlue: 1989 Notre Dame. Michigan gives up a kick return for TD for the first time in 32 years. Then gives up ANOTHER one. Loses 24-19. This was a Bo Schembechler game through-and-through.

Buffkomodo: Indiana doesn’t do this. We generally don’t dominate games we win either.

With seemingly every team sucking this year, what one year would you go back to as your team’s best year at the footbally thing? - cericjo

Candystripes: 1967. Rose Bowl trip > literally 99% of Indiana’s football history. Only other year in contention would be 1945, but due to the Big Ten banning postseason games at the time, 9-0-1 loses out. And yes, the fact that there’s really only 2 top choices in over 120 years of football is really, really goddamn sad.

Kind of…: The CFP messes this up a bit, but here’s the beginning of the list of B1G outright champs who won their/a bowl game, working in reverse: 2020 OSU, 2018 OSU, 2017 OSU, 2013 MSU, 2009 OSU, 1999 Wisconsin. The ‘99 Badger season was everything you could’ve wanted. Early season drama that calls things into question; a QB switch igniting an 8 game-winning streak; Ron Dayne winning the Heisman and becoming the all-time rushing leader; Barry Alvarez becoming the ONLY B1G coach to ever win back-to-back Rose Bowls; and a season-ending ranking (#4) that was basically where they would’ve ended up even if they hadn’t dicktripped vs. Cincinnati. Oh, and see previous answer above. The ‘99 Badgers had great special teams play and led the nation in turnover margin. What a fucking coincidence!

Jesse: Still 1995

misdreavus79: I’d say 1994, but, you know. So let’s go with 1986.

BrianB2: 1953? Or whatever year some group of writers somewhere declared us champions. Oh shit, google says I was write with the year. Hot Dog.

pkloa: 2021

HWAHSQB: 1923 baby!

BRT: Everyone is always on Nebraska’s case for living in the past, but now you see it’s pretty fun, right? I was lucky enough to see three NCs, which is more than most people reading will ever see for their team, so it’s nice to have that kind of choice, especially given the current state of affairs. 1995 was the best year and would be fun to see again. 1997 was fun because I actually got to attend that bowl game.

WSR: I would love to see 1941 for many reasons. 1) I’d like to live in boring times compared to 2020/21 for a little while. 2) I’d probably be 1-gap DT sized for the time, and I’d like to walk around Minneapolis like a midwestern Godzilla. 3) Minnesota won a National Championship and Bruce Smith won the Heisman and gave a ridiculous Heisman Speech that’s always ignored and I would love to see all of that and the style of football that Bernie Bierman ran.

Creighton: If we’re talking about from my lifetime I would love to relive the 2009 season. All time though, I would have loved to be around for the 1985 team. They were one loss to Ohio State away from playing for the national championship. They had the #1 vs #2 game against Michigan that Rob Houghtlin won with a walk off field goal. The roster was a who’s who of all time greats: Marv Cook, Chuck Long, Ronnie Harmon, the Haight brothers, etc. Also Hayden Fry’s coaching staff that year had the following names on it: Bill Snyder, Kirk Ferentz, Dan McCarney, Barry Alvarez, and Bob Stoops.

Green Akers: The technically correct answer is 1966 - MSU’s last National championship team, filthy with all-time talents like Bubba Smith and Gene Washington and George Webster - but as that was more than 20 years before I was born, I will say the ‘13-15 seasons were a helluva run. Win two Big Ten CCGs, a Rose Bowl, a Cotton Bowl, and technically be present in the Playoff? P dece.

RockyMtnBlue: In my lifetime? 1997. That defense was insane. Otherwise 1901 was a pretty good year. Michigan outscored opponents 501-0 in 10 regular season games, then beat Stanford 49-0 in the first-ever Rose Bowl. Stanford literally quit and walked off the field in the middle of the 4th quarter.

Rank the Weekend Update Hosts - MNWildcat

Candystripes:

1. Seth Meyers

2. Tina Fey

3. Amy Poehler

4. Norm MacDonald

5. Kevin Nealon

6. Jane Curtin

7. Cecily Strong

8. Dennis Miller

9. Chevy Chase

10-whatever: everyone else, and honestly Chevy’s only outside this tier because he was the first host

misdreavus79: I’ve only watched SNL with any sort of regularity since Amy Poehler, so I don’t think I’m a good judge of who’s who.

BrianB2:

1. Colin Quinn
2. Colin Jost

All non-Colins need not apply.

WSR:

5) Dan Aykroyd

4) Chevy Chase

3) Dennis Miller

2) Norm MacDonald

1) Jane Curtin

I haven’t watched SNL since about 2000. I have always found Will Ferrell to be pathetic, so when the combination of him being given the show Eddie Murphy-style and me discovering house parties occurred around that time I haven’t looked back. Norm was great, Dennis Miller was the first one I saw and was magnificent at the job, but Jane is perfect. She is the greatest straight woman ever, and responded flawlessly every time to Dan and Chevy. No one else has ever delivered the perfect line Jane did, and no one else ever will.

“There’s an old saying, behind every successful man, there’s a woman — a loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn’t know about that, Dan, because there’s no old saying about what’s behind a miserable failure.”

RockyMtnBlue: Good call, WSR. I can’t believe I had forgotten how great Jane Curtin was in that spot. Honorable mention goes to Dennis Miller. He was made for that bit.

Buffkomodo: SNL hasn’t been cool for the majority of my life, and I’ve been aware of political humor for much less of that. I only know based on YouTube clips:

1. Norm
2. Seth
3. Scar Jo’s dude who does it now.