Have we, as viewers of some truly reprehensible college football shit, finally gone too mainstream?

Last week I advised you to watch UMass host UConn, a matchup of two winless FBS teams billed as likely the worst game of the year in Division 1A football.

Absent injured freshman QB Tyler Phommachanh—a name, like Doug Mientkiewicz, I can now spell without looking up—and with interim HC Lou Spanos and four other members of the program out due to COVID, the Huskies were listless in the loss to the rival Minutemen, failing to post a passing yard in the third quarter (h/t UConn Blog) and providing the Minutemen faithful with the saddest field storm you’ll see all year:

$250,000 cheaper than A&M, though, and 95% of those kids don’t care it was UConn and not Bama they’d beaten.

I now own and proudly wear these “dress sneakers” not only because they’re comfortable but because damnit, I actually like them...but has that familiarity bred complacency?

Look, I’m a larger man on the wrong side of 30, but I lead a comfortable life, married to a woman who tolerates me and with a cat who likes to sit on my lap and purr. I get to go to Evanston this weekend and drink Malort and shout at young men who will go into really lucrative careers in finance or medicine or whatever and also happen to play football for Northwestern.

Things are OK, is what I’m saying.

I look around at the atmosphere, now, of watching what constitutes war crimes on a football field, and I see happy, puff ESPN pieces glorifying the race to the bottom with creative names like U-Can’t and unLv. I see a whole Twitter account dedicated to what it believes is Sickos football and having declared itself the Sickos Committee—much like Big Game Boomer, with the prescience to just keep posting into the ether and build a following.

As an aside, Sickos Committee: the fuck is this Top 25?

I want my outrage and offense noted that Northwestern is fucking nowhere to be found on this list of games that you would watch only if you are a truly reprehensible human being. And LSU? Auburn? TEXAS?! Bull-goddamn-shit. Go back to your corners and think about if you’re doing this for the clicks or for the love of the fucking game.

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Navy Midshipmen at Memphis Tigers (-10.5, O/U 55) [6:30pm, ESPN]

{NFL} Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Philadelphia Eagles [7:20pm, FOX]

{MLB} Los Angeles Dodgers at San Francisco Giants [8:07pm, TBS]

{NHL} Seattle Kraken at Nashville Predators [7pm, NHLN]
{MHKY} Army at Wisconsin [7pm, BTN+]

{WSOC} Wisconsin vs. Northwestern [6pm, BTN]
{WSOC} Ohio St. vs. Purdue [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Maryland vs. Rutgers [6pm, BTN+]
{WSOC} Michigan vs. Michigan St. [6pm, BTN+]
{CONMEBOL} Argentina vs. Peru [6:30pm, fuboTV]
{WSOC} Nebraska vs. Iowa [7pm, BTN+]
{CONMEBOL} Chile vs. Venezuela [7pm, fuboTV]
{CONMEBOL} Brazil vs. Uruguay [7:30pm, fuboTV]
{WSOC} Minnesota vs. Illinois [8pm, BTN]
{Liga MX} Queretaro vs. Xolos [8pm, TUDN]
{CPL} Cavalry vs. York United [8pm, FS2]

Watch That

Southwestern Oklahoma State Bulldogs (0-6) at Southern Nazarene Crimson Storm (0-6)

6pm | YouTube

Georgia Southern Eagles at South Alabama Jaguars

6:30pm | ESPNU | USA -3 | O/U 49.5

When all else fails, do we give in?

FUCK NO. WE DOUBLE DOWN.

(A Double Down, incidentally, is the only acceptable fried chicken sandwich.)

One of my favorite now-defunct odes to college football was ActionCookbook’s exploration of the mascots of random-ass college football conferences—including the Great American Conference.

Thus, when Southwestern Oklahoma State at Southern Nazarene rolled across my feed, I thought to myself, do I know that conference? TURNS OUT YES! This is the Great American Conference, with such legends as the Southern Arkansas Muleriders, the Arkansas Tech Wonder Boys, the University of Arkansas-Monticello Boll Weevils, and the Southeastern Oklahoma State Savage Storm—not to be confused with either of the two teams playing tonight, the Southwestern Oklahoma State Bulldogs and the Southern Nazarene Crimson Storm.

Do I know what a savage storm is? Reader, I do not.
Do I know what a crimson storm is? Reader, I can only guess.

But what I DO know is that these are two of the three worst teams in the Great American—joined by the also 0-6 Northwestern Oklahoma State Rangers (seriously, Oklahoma, you cannot possibly need this many directional state schools). I know it is free and easy to watch this game.

And I know I will be raptly attentive to it.

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Marshall Thundering Herd (-11, O/U 65.5) at North Texas Mean Green [6pm, CBSSN]
Clemson Tigers (-14, O/U 45) at Syracuse Orange [6pm, ESPN]
California Golden Bears at #9 Oregon Ducks (-13.5, O/U 54.5) [9:30pm, ESPN]

{CFL} Winnipeg Blue Bombers at Edmonton Elks [8pm, ESPN+]

{MLB} Boston Red Sox at Houston Astros [7:07pm, FOX]

{NHL} Chicago Blackhawks at New Jersey Devils [6pm, NHLN]
{MHKY} Army at Wisconsin [7pm, BTN+/Bally WI]
{MHKY} St. Cloud State at Minnesota [7pm, BTN+/Bally MN]

{WNBA} Phoenix Mercury at Chicago Sky [8pm, ESPN2]

{B1GVB} #3 wisconsin at Michigan St. [5pm, BTN]

{MSOC} Michigan vs. Wisconsin [6pm, BTN+]
{MSOC} Northwestern vs. Rutgers [7pm, BTN+]
{Liga MX} Necaxa vs. Puebla [7pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Mazatlan vs. Atlas [9pm , TUDN]

Watch That

Colgate Raiders at Cornell Big Red

6pm | ESPN+

#9 Montana State Bobcats at #19 Weber State Wildcats

9pm | ESPNU

#24 San Diego State Aztecs at San Jose State Spartans

9:30pm | CBSSN | SDSU -8 | O/U 41.5

{B1GVB} #6 Purdue at #7 Ohio State

7pm | BTN | Preview Here

If you don’t feel particularly adventurous but want to watch good college football, at least do me this kindness: Set your TV to CBSSN and forget it.

Do not tune it for what, I’m fairly confident, is the seventh consecutive year on which Clemson has gone to Syracuse on a Friday night to play a weird, timeless game in that dome. You don’t need to watch Cal flail around at Oregon.

Instead, there’s Marshall-North Texas, which could be fun if it turns out Seth Littrell’s teams have just been a little snakebitten and not actually, well, mediocre. The Mean Green pretty much just let Austin Aune run around against Mizzou last week, and 4 passing TDs to 2 INTs says...well, it’ll be a mixed bag! Marshall, on the other hand, lost 3 consecutive games by a combined 11 points before sneaking past Old Dominion last weekend, and thankfully Charles Huff’s job is safe because Jim Justice is too busy filling his diaper over not getting to coach a boys’ basketball team. West Virginia!

Following Herd-Mean Green on CBSSN is another Mountain West classic and a chance for DWT;WT Team of Choice San Jose State to get back topside in the quest for bowl eligibility. They take on a stunningly-competent San Diego State. Brady Hoke, everyone!

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

UCF Citronauts at #3 Cincinnati Bearcats (-21, O/U 58) [11am, ABC]
#10 Michigan State Spartans (-4.5, O/U 51.5) at Indiana Hoosiers [11am, FS1]
Auburn Tigers at #17 Arkansas Razorbacks (-3.5, O/U 53)
#20 Florida Gators (-10, O/U 58.5) at LSU Tigers [11am, ESPN]
#21 Texas A&M (-8.5, O/U 60.5) at Missouri Tigers [11am, SECN]
Nebraska Cornhuskers (-3.5, O/U 48) at Minnesota Golden Gophers [11am, ESPN2]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane (-8.5, O/U 57) at South Florida Brahman Bulls [11am, ESPNU]
Ohio Bobcats at Buffalo Bulls (-9, O/U 56.5) [11am, ESPN+]
Duke Blue Devils at Virginia Cavaliers (-11, O/U 69) [11:30am, ESPN3]

{MLS} Montreal Feet Club vs. Philadelphia Union [12pm, ESPN+]

{EPL} Brentford vs. Chelsea [11:30am, NBC]
{La Liga} Levante vs. Getafe [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga} Borussia Monchengladbach vs. Stuttgart [11:30am, ESPN+]
{Eredivisie} Heerenveen vs. Ajax [11:45am, ESPN+]

Watch That

Rutgers Scarlet Knights at Northwestern Wildcats

11am | BTN | Rutgers -2 | O/U 48

#12 Oklahoma State Cowboys at #25 Texas Longhorns

11am | FOX | Texas -5.5 | O/U 60.5

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Three-Star Sickos Game of the Week

Yale Bulldogs at UConn Huskies

11am | CBSSN

My wife just exited the kitchen to tell me something she thought was funny, but she did it while she was eating carrots. She spit carrots in my face.

Yale and UConn seek to approximate that experience at 11am this Saturday.

I will be tuning in on my phone. Can’t be much worse than Rutgers-Northwestern.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Balls Tate Cardinals (-2.5, O/U 55.5) at Eastern Michigan Eagles [1pm, ESPN+]
Akron Zips at Miami Hydroxide Redhawks (-19.5, O/U 52) [1:30pm, ESPN+]
Troy Trojans (-7.5, O/U 49.5) at Texas State Bobcats [2pm, ESPN+]
#11 Kentucky Wildcats at #1 Georgia Bulldogs (-23.5, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
Purdue Boilermakers at #2 Iowa Hawkeyes (-11.5, O/U 44) [2:30pm, ABC]
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (-12.5, O/U 67.5) at Old Dominion Monarchs [2:30pm, ESPN3]
UAB Blazers (-16, O/U 43) at Southern Miss Golden Eagles [2:30pm, Stadium]
Miami Hurricanes at North Carolina Tar Heels (-7, O/U 62.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Pittsburgh Panthers (-5, O/U 58) at Virginia Tech Hokies [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Toledo Rockets (-4.5, O/U 51.5) at Central Michigan Chippewas [2:30pm, CBSSN]
Bowling Green Falcons at Northern Illinois Huskies (-9, O/U 49) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Vanderbilt Commodores at South Carolina Gamecocks (-18.5, O/U 51) [3pm, SECN]
Texas Tech Red Raiders (-16.5, O/U 66.5) at Kansas Jayhawks [3pm, ESPN+]

{CFL} Montreal Alouettes at Ottawa REDBLACKS [3pm, ESPN+]

{B1GVB} #3 wisconsin at Michigan [3:30pm, BTN]

{La Liga} Real Sociedad vs. Mallorca [2pm, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Olympique Lyonnais vs. Monaco [2pm, beIN]
{Eredivisie} PSV vs. PEC Zwolle [2pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Real Monarchs vs. Austin Bold [2pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Los Angeles FC vs. San Jose Earthquakes [2:30pm, TUDN]
{CPL} Forge vs. Atletico Ottawa [2:30pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{USL} Las Vegas Lights vs. Phoenix Rising [4pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

#19 BYU Cougars at Baylor Bears

2:30pm | ESPN | Baylor -6 | O/U 50

Kent State Golden Flashes at Western Michigan Broncos

2:30pm | ESPNU | WMU -6.5 | O/U 65

Arizona Wildcats at Colorado Buffaloes

2:30pm | Pac-12 | Colo -7.5 | O/U 45.5

Fresno State Bulldogs at Wyoming Cowboys

2:30pm | FS2 | Fresno -3 | O/U 55.5

In honor of BYU-Baylor—the Fundamentabowl!—happening:

I need help with what we should name BYU-Baylor, because there’s gotta be something better out there than Fundamentabowl. Let me know in the comments, please.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Rice Owls at UTSA Roadrunners (-18.5, O/U 54.5) [5pm, ESPN+]
#5 Alabama Crimson Tide (-17, O/U 57.5) at Mississippi State Bulldogs [6pm, ESPN]
Fightin’ Falwells (-32, O/U 56.5) vs. UL Monroe Warhawks [6pm, ESPN+]
Colorado State Rams (-10, O/U 44.5) at New Mexico Lobos [6pm, Stadium]
TCU Horned Frogs at #4 Oklahoma Sooners (-11.5, O/U 65.5) [6:30pm, ABC]
#22 NC State Wolfpack (-3, O/U 51.5) at Boston College Eagles [6:30pm, ACCN]
Iowa State Cyclones (-6.5, O/U 51.5) at Kansas State Wildcats [6:30pm, ESPN2]
Stanford Cardinal (-2, O/U 51.5) at Washington State Cougars [6:30pm, ESPNU]
Army Black Knights at wisconsin badgers (-13, O/U 40.5) [7pm, BTN]
UCLA Bruins at Washington Huskies (-2, O/U 53) [7:30pm, FOX]

{CFL} Calgary Stampeders at BC Lions [6pm, ESPN+]

{CPL} Pacific vs. Valour [5pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{Liga MX} Monterrey vs. Leon [5pm, ESPN Deportes]
{MLS} Columbus Crew vs. Inter Miami [5pm, ESPN+]
{USL1} Richmond Kickers vs. Forward Madison [5:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} New England Revolution vs. Chicago Fire [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Indy Eleven vs. Louisville City [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Memphis 901 vs. Atlanta United II [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Hartford Athletic vs. Loudoun United [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Charlotte Independence vs. Charleston Battery [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL1} Union Omaha vs. North Carolina FC [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL1} Chattanooga Red Wolves vs. Toronto II [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL1} Greenville Triumph vs. New England II [6pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} DC United vs. Nashville SC [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Toronto FC vs. Atlanta United [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Cincinnati FC vs. Orlando City SC [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Miami FC vs. Pittsburgh Riverhounds [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{NISA} Maryland Bobcats vs. Chicago House [6:30pm, Eleven]
{Liga MX} Pachuca vs. Santos Laguna [7pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Atletico San Luis vs. America [7pm, TUDN]
{USL} Colorado Springs vs. Rio Grande Valley [7pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} Houston Dynamo vs. Seattle Sounders [7:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} San Antonio vs. FC Tulsa [7:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Utah State Aggies at UNLV Rebels

6pm | CBSSN | USU -6 | O/U 59

#13 Ole Miss Rebels at Tennessee Volunteers

6:30pm | SECN | Miss -3 | O/U 79.5

Sometimes I wonder if anyone watches a single one of these soccer games that I post.

There’s some semi-intriguing Pac-12 football here, but as it’s not dark out yet, I don’t care.

Also, you can gaze upon this and despair:

It’s Late and I’m Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Tarleton State Texans at Dixie State Trailblazers [8pm, ESPN+]
Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors at Nevada Wolf Pack [9:30pm, CBSSN]

{MLS} Austin vs. Minnesota United FC [8pm, ESPN+]
{NISA} San Diego 1904 vs. Detroit City FC [8pm, Eleven]
{MLS} Real Salt Lake vs. Colorado Rapids [8:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Oakland Roots vs. Orange County SC [9pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Cruz Azul vs. Tigres UANL [9pm, TUDN]
{NISA} La Force vs. New Amsterdam [9pm, Eleven]
{NISA} California United Strikers vs. Stumptown Athletic [9pm, beIN]
{USL1} Tucson vs. Tormenta [9pm, ESPN+]
{MLS} LA Galaxy vs. Portland Timbers [9:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at UTEP Miners

8pm | ESPN+ | LT -7 | O/U 55

Air Force Falcons at Boise State Broncos

8pm | FS1 | Boise -5 | O/U 51

#18 Arizona State Sun Devils at Utah Utes

9pm | ESPN | ASU -1 | O/U 51

The interesting part of my Saturday night will be my attempt to rally after a day of drinking to watch the night games. As such, here I will provide you a review of the Oktoberfest beers I drank last weekend as my wife and I celebrated our third consecutive Oktoberfest, accidentally, on the exact same date—October 9:

• Wisktoberfest (The Brewing Projekt, Eau Claire, WI): A solid, standard Marzen. Sweet, creamy, a good baseline to start our day off. Which was unfortunate, because...
• Oktoberfest (Able Brewery + Seedhouse, Minneapolis): Uh. Hopped too aggressively for my taste, and pretty thin. I’m not looking for Surly’s take on an Oktoberfest, thanks.
• Oktoberfest (Wooden Ship Brewing, Minneapolis): This brewery is my new go-to for saisons and some creatively smoked stuff—their take on a festbier followed a little of that style, more earthy and zesty and a little more drinkable than I expected. I’d do it again, but I’d go back for their smoked saison first.
• Foxtoberfest (Spiral Brewing, Hastings, MN): Thinner than I remembered, but some nice sweetness and toasty flavor. Good people at a good brewery, and I’m happy to support one of the few things in Hastings that I like. (The other two are the pizza sandwiches at Carbone’s and the almond tarts at Emily’s Bakery, in case you were wondering.)
• Leinie’s Oktoberfest (Leinenkugel’s): I was surprised at how much I still liked this one, given how some of their other flagships like Summer Shandy and Snowdrift Vanilla Porter gave up the ghost after Leinie’s went full corporate. A heftier Oktoberfest that still had a good balance of caramel and toffee flavor.
• Roadsmary’s Baby (Two Roads Brewing, Stratford, CT): Pumpkin on rum barrels. Pack a lunch—or don’t, as it’s filling—for this beer. Lot of flavor that was a big much, but it was a gift, so I’ll gladly deal with that at 6.8%.
• Oktubrefest (La Dona Cerveceria, Minneapolis): A little bitterness and a really good spiciness on the finish that weren’t overwhelming but still put a nice flair on a drinkable beer. Love with La Dona is doing—worth a stop if you’re on the west side of Minneapolis.
• Weltenwanderer (Hammerheart Brewery, Lino Lakes, MN): Basically they can smoke whatever they want and I’ll drink it—this one’s a simple helles that’s part of my tradition of “when the wife passes out, I break out the smoked beer,” and Hammerheart rarely disappoints.