This feature returns after a sabbatical last year, because of...well, everything.
It is time to rate things on the internet.
A look at the box score can tell you how a stock price is dancing around its moving average, but the aim here is to evaluate recent performance to estimate future return. I am trying to tell you what the future will hold, and which team is the best bet for your fandom investment. The musings below are how I, the autocrat of this feature, view each team’s performance and potential.
I am an investment committee of one (though I may deign to consider the opinions of others). Whether or not I am being unreasonable is something only I can decide.
Nomenclature Alert: The Mollywhoppin’.
There are three elements to a Mollywhoppin’: Shutout an opponent; Outscore opponent by 20; Score 50 on an opponent.
There are Three Degrees of Mollywhoppin’: Third-Degree — one of the elements above is present; Second-Degree — two of the elements above are present; First-Degree — all three elements are present (the score is 50-0, or worse). As far as degree is concerned, do not look at a Mollywhoppin’ like a burn. Think of one as a crime.
The beauty of the Mollywhoppin’ is that one can be declared just by looking at the scores — one need not watch the games. As a “writer,” this aligns with my interests.
Get used to this system, because I am going to use it. A lot. Read the origin story here.
This week there are nine “Sells,” and one “Hold.” The low number of “Buys” is indicative of a bearish trend on the OTE Index.
I’ve been under the weather all week (no, not Covid). Like Willis Reed, running onto the court, I penned this weekly missive. Here is the for-the-record version of the stock report.
Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Iowa Hawkeyes - (Defeated Penn State, 23-20) They win ugly, but they win. Iowa is going to Indy, and they have a chance — providing they do not have to play a focused Ohio State team. Next up: Purdue.
Ohio State Buckeyes - (Defeated Maryland, 66-17) Sometimes these matchups come close to violating the Geneva Convention. Maryland quarterbacks were sacked five times, and Lia Tagovailoa was credited with eight rushes...for negative 61 yards, and a long run of one yard. The Buckeyes will put their foot on your neck, given the opportunity. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Idle (@Indiana, 10/23).
Michigan Wolverines - (Defeated Nebraska, 32-29) Watch out for the MANBALL Express. Harbaugh is going to run, run, and then run some more. The way to beat the Wolverines is -to jump out to an early lead and keep the offensive pressure on. As far as the defense, the secondary can be had. If I know this, so does Ohio State. Next up: Idle (Northwestern, 10/23).
Michigan State Spartans - (Defeated Rutgers, 31-13) Peyton Thorne threw for 339 yards, Kenneth Walker III ran for 233 yards, and Jalen Nailor had 221 yards receiving...all very impressive. My question: How can a team have so many explosive plays, yet still look mediocre? Next up: @Indiana.
Penn State Nittany Lions - (Lost to Iowa, 23-20) We will see how the injury situation shakes out. If Clifford is out for extended time, that is going to be a problem. Offensive production fell off a cliff once the backup entered the game. Next up: Idle (Illinois, 10/23).
Nebraska Cornhuskers - (Lost to Michigan, 32-29) Nebraska played a good second half of offensive football against Michigan. Further proof that Nebraska can play with strong teams, and then conjure maddening ways to lose to strong teams. Next up: @Minnesota.
Rutgers Scarlet Knights - (Lost to Michigan State, 31-13) You might want to work on stopping the big play, Coach Schiano. The Scarlet Knights took a a beating on the injury report in the brutal Michigan-OSU-MSU stretch. There are enough remaining wins on the schedule to send ‘Gers bowling... if they handle their business this week. Next up: @Northwestern.
Minnesota Golden Gophers - (Idle) Minnesota, a team built on B1G-style smashmouth football, has now lost its top two running backs for the season. Thankfully, Trey Potts is now out of the hospital - get well young man. Minnesota will host the perpetually erratic Cornhuskers this weekend. Who knows what will happen? Next up: Nebraska.
Wisconsin Badgers - (Defeated Illinois, 24-0) Wisconsin outgained the Illini 491-93, and only scored 24 points.. The defense is formidable. The offense? Yuck. It will be fun to see how much Wiscy learned about defending the option in one week. (Second-Degree Mollywhoppin’) Next up: Army.
Purdue Boilermakers - (Idle) The Boilers are coming off a miserable loss to Minnesota at home. Now, they face their most hated rival in Iowa City. Is Purdue Harbor a moveable feast? It won’t be if Purdue loses the turnover battle. Next up: @Iowa.
Indiana Hoosiers - (Idle) This week is where Indiana comes out of nowhere, plays a solid game for 3.5 quarters, then loses heartbreakingly. I have done no research to back this up, I just take it as a given. Next up: Michigan State.
Maryland Terrapins - (Lost to Ohio State, 66-17) Well, the book is out on Maryland — take advantage of the opportunities they give you (and they WILL give them to you), then dominate them in the trenches. The Terps are going to get MANBALLED to death. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree) Next up: Idle (@Minnesota, 10/23).
Illinois Fighting Illini - (Lost to Wisconsin, 24-0) Still so, so, so bad. (Mollywhopped in the Second-Degree) Next up: Idle (@Penn State, 10/23).
Northwestern Wildcats - (Idle) Somehow, worse than Illinois. Next up: Rutgers.
This feature will drop on time next week.
Feel free to laud my grace, charm, and judgment in the comments.