OPORD 21-01 Operation Fighty Skunks
Location: 16T CN 0363 7141
Overview: Camp Randall Stadium is built on the former Camp Randall which is, and always has been, property of the US Army. Knock knock, bitches. Rent’s due.
Weather: There’s no prettier place in America to experience autumn than the Hudson Valley, and no stadium offers better views of key terrain and the fall foliage than Michie Stadium. Unfortunately, this game is in Madison and their weather is just as ugly as their people. And their people are downright unattractive.
Enemy Situation: Prior to 2021, Wisconsin doctrinally relied on highly powerful ground forces. However, recent engagements show a weakened attack capabilities that have failed to overwhelm even light defenses. Air assets are limited, and air strikes often suffer from guidance issues resulting in significant inaccuracies. When assuming a defensive posture, Wisconsin is well-equipped to defend against ground or air attacks. Reports indicate that Wisconsin has lost use of Jalen Berger—a weapons system of some repute (ill-repute, of late).
Wisconsin forces are known as “Badgers.” A badger is an indigenous form of ill-tempered skunk. Though lacking a skunk’s traditional scent glands, male Wisconsin Badgers are known to exhibit strong body odor. Female Wisconsin Badgers can be recognized by the overwhelming scent known as “Freesia” and various essential oils.
Enemy Disposition: Wisconsin is operating from its home and traditional base of support. Supplies of cheese curd, low-grade mass-market alcohol, and cream of mushroom soup—a viscous cooking agent also known as “the Lutheran Binder”—are locally sufficient but not extensive due to supply chain shortages. Chinese-made cheese-shaped headwear for the Real Americans in Real America is in short supply. Expect significant partisan support from nearby countryside, as there is literally nothing else to do in Wisconsin except not form unions.
Friendly Situation: Offensive assets remain per task organization. Availability of Christian Anderson (QB) is maintenance dependent. Backup asset Tyhier Tyler is available, but usage reduces efficiency in the offense.
Commencing 170000ZOCT2021, TF Puking Chicken attacks VIC 16T CN 0363 7141 to seize Camp Randall stadium
Purpose: Prevent Wisconsites from having anything to be happy about for another week.
- Maximize time of possession
- Rely on ground forces for 90% of effort
- Use air attacks only to surprise and disorient
- Disrupt the enemy backfield
- Mass forces to against ground attacks—air attacks negligible
- Execute “Tsunami” to demoralize Wisconsin fans
Endstate: Badgers learn who really jumps around, and pays back rent on Camp Randall land
CL I: Local economy provisions sufficient for the Sluggo Special—one large pepperoni pizza and a 24 oz. Mountain Dew.
CL II: Army will wear the famed Puking Chicken patch of the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault).
CL VI: Doctrine is to tailgate hard after the game, as all cadets are precluded from consuming alcohol while on duty. Duty for all personnel extends from 0520 Local until the singing of the alma mater. Tailgate supply points provide sufficient quantities of beer. Tailgate hosts are legally obligated to provide alcohol to cadets. I’m a cop, you can believe me.
CL XIII: Wear a rubber, dude. It’s Madison.
Command & Control
Head Coach Jeff Monken remains the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-ah. The Congo Bar of my soul.
Beat Wisconsin. Beat Navy.