By the grace of God, Illinois didn’t do anything dumb enough to warrant a mention in this week’s edition of Tarts. I must say, I enjoyed not having a college football team this past weekend more than I usually enjoy not having a college football team.

You know what, I’m just gonna get into it, because in a season that’s already been full of wacky stuff, Week 7 produced some absolute gems from the players. Then the fans and players combined to produce what I thought would for sure be the year’s best Tart.

Then the coaches took center stage.

Nick Rolovich Complies With The Mandate

I usually go in chronological order, but this guy left $10.5M on the table for reasons he’s still not explained and probably never will. That’s his right, just as it’s my right to assert that Rolovich has a brain worm problem that is millions of times more hazardous to his health than a vaccine that has been safely administered hundreds of millions of times globally.

Washington State Cougars head coach Nick Rolovich was asked about the State of Washington’s October 18th mandate for all employees to be vaccinated or provide a valid exemption back in August. He said only that “he would comply with the mandate.”

Well, the day came and the University had to fire him. He did indeed comply with the mandate. If he hasn’t given an explanation by now, then perhaps he’ll never divulge why refusing to help contain the spread of COVID in Pullman (which currently has only seven active cases, by the way) was important enough for him to sacrifice a promising young career. He’ll certainly never coach at a public university again. With his Cougs on a shocking three game winning streak that has them trailing Oregon and Oregon State by one game for the PAC-12 North lead, Rolovich decided to tank his entire career over this one issue. This team could actually win the PAC-12! Oregon looks incredibly shaky and I refuse to take the Beavs seriously. That makes it all the more baffling that he decided to bail on his team.

I sincerely hope he does some self-examination and figures some things out. His Hawaii teams were a lot of fun. He has nobody to blame but himself for his current predicament.

Four assistants were also fired, including Actual Person Ricky Logo.

You Got A Man. Coach O’s Not Tryna Hear That, See?

Ed Orgeron will at least coach out the remainder of the season, but will indeed ride the Chizik Express from national champion to out of the SEC in two years. He’s 9-8 since winning the national title, but had reportedly lost the locker room during the season, depending on who you believe. We all know how things are in the SEC though. There’s nothing more dangerous to your job security than having a breakthrough season, because then if you’re not winning after that everybody wants you out. Kirby Smart has the top team in the nation, but if they go 8-5 next year and start out 2-3, you best believe these conversations will happen.

However, additional details emerged, such as Coach O being horny at the wrong times:

Coach O, rebuffed by a married women, kept after her like Positive K

...Wait What?

Scan this image from Weber State’s Friday night game

You often hear play-by-play teams say that they don’t have much in the playbook for 3rd and long. Do you think they have anything in the playbook for 1st and 2?

How did this happen? Does anyone know for sure?

Acrobatics Increased To 100

Throughout my life I’d never seen a tackle in high level football get embarrassed worse than the poor dude who had to block Reggie White in Super Bowl 31. As an aspiring 7-year-old lineman of indeterminate alignment myself, it was just astonishing to see a 300 pound man ragdolled like that on national television.

That bar has been reset:

Oregon’s Kayvon Thibodeaux apparently did this multiple times in the Ducks’ win over Cal. I feel for that offensive tackle. I genuinely hope he finds a way to live with this, regroup mentally and not quit the game entirely. That’s absolutely unfair.

Press L1 To Knock Down Opponent’s Pass

Coach O’s last game without lame duck status was quite the barn-burner against Florida, and one of the reasons it was as such was because of the backup DB’s the Tigers had in the game. If they hold Florida to 6 points and head into the locker room up 21-6, it’ll be hard for the Gators to rally.

This is really what happens in the video game when you take control of a DB who’s running. Look at 31. Does he know what’s going on right now?

Pat Fitzgerald’s Entry For Worst Fake Punt Ever

Greg Schiano made these very pages for a silly fourth down fake play against Michigan. Pat Fitzgerald decided to demonstrate how a bad fourth down fake is done as some kind of weird show of male dominance.

This certainly looks like they intended to run this play. The punter has SEVENTEEN YARDS to run to get this first down. It’s 4th and 4 and he’s 13 YARDS BEHIND THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE.

The thing that gets me about this is that if you could actually get this first down...why wouldn’t this just become your base offense? Northwestern gained 2.8 yards per carry on the ground, though that’s not sack-adjusted. If this play works, Rutgers calls a timeout and Schiano turns PURPLE in a team meeting.

They’re going to convert 4th and 6 against Illinois with this play.

Nickname Is YOU

Who doesn’t love a good ol’ fashioned chyron fail?

Gaze upon Tyler “Nickname” Linderbau. But wait. That’s Iowa center Tyler Linderbaum. Could it be that in fact, YOU are Tyler Linderbau, but you’re better known as “Nickname”?

This Must Be An Inside Job

UW-Platteville had a chance to score a monster upset against D3 stalwarts UW-Lacrosse. They had set up a chip shot field goal and just needed to spike the ball.

Just spike the ball to stop the clock.

A kneel-down with six seconds left didn’t leave time for a proper spike to set up the game winning kick. UW-LaCrosse escaped.

Greg Schiano Honors Mark Dantonio

While Fitzgerald out-Schiano’d Schiano, Greg decided to aim for Mark Dantonio and do his very own disappearing act.

I prefer the original myself

Let It Ride

UNLV just added my favorite sideline prop in the history of college football

It’s a giant slot machine. Everyone is TURNT UP over it too! This is lovely.

Refs Outside The Big Ten Also Struggle

Okay, one more

I can feel the bond of the PAC 12 and Big Ten intensifying as I watch this. But I know why you’re here.

Tennessee Can’t Stop Throwing Things

Lane Kiffin returned to Neyland Stadium for the first time since 2009 and it was one hell of a game. Rocky Top was sold out and Ole Miss QB Matt Corral put on a hell of a show, rushing for nearly 200 yards and throwing for a couple hundred more as the Rebels ran 101 plays.

Late in the game, Tennessee faced 4th and 24 from their own 36, but completed a pass that nearly converted the first down. The officials ruled it short, so Ole Miss took over on downs with 54 seconds to go.

Tennessee fans responded by throwing everything they had on their persons at the Ole Miss sideline

Play was suspended for around 15 minutes as event staff had to back up some sections and clear some people out of the lower rows, but the officials lacked the authority to call the game due to safety like the infamous 2001 Browns-Jaguars game. The thing is, Tennessee still had 3 timeouts.

Lane Kiffin was hit with a golf ball, which I believe he intends to keep forever.

Tennessee forced a three and out, got the ball back, crossed midfield and watched quarterback Herndon Hooker come up limping. As fans crowded down to the lower rows again and resumed throwing things, former Michigan Man Joe Milton entered the game and completed a pass for an intermediate gain to the Ole Miss 21. As Tennessee continued to throw stuff from the stands, Milton had an opportunity to win it with one last play.

Tennessee Stops Throwing Things

This was the play