The OTE Weekly Mailbag: Which coaches are getting poached? Will we see any more big upsets? What exactly does Brian Ferentz do here?

HAPPY THURSDAY! Who’s ready for another weekend of tepid tepid B1G action?!

While everyone waits patiently to not ready this week’s DTW:WT, here’s the mailbag! ON TIME AND EVERYTHING! Something is clearly very wrong, so have a blessed afternoon and remember to schedule something that gets you away from your desk tomorrow afternoon and coast on in to some glorious B1G football and a Manchester United-scouse bastards action.

In all earnestness: What does Brian Ferentz do that is good? - GoIowaAwesome

Jesse: Hey, don’t know the *checks notes* uh, 519th best recruiter in the nation? Honestly, he carries water for Kirk’s vision, is not really all that argumentative on the direction that Iowa is going on - or has been on, and is generally regarded well by Iowa fans who think this offense isn’t a disaster… Which is to say nothing. Nothing good.

WSR: As I said on twitter, he brings cans of crescent rolls and some really good pies from Baker’s Square (if he can still find one) to Thanksgiving, he’s on time, and he always helps with the dishes. You may ask “Why cans of crescent rolls and store-bought pies?” and I would point out that everyone (especially Phil Parker) knows that what Brian does best is take credit for things that are mostly the effort of others.

HWAHSQB: Contributes to iowa losing to Purdue year after year.

misdreavus79: Do just enough on offense to let Father Ferentz believe his system works.

RU in VA: Is this the question where we pretend to have an opinion about a head coach from the B1G West’s son? I have no idea who this person is. Outside of a 20 mile radius of the University of Iowa, no one else knows who this person is.

Green Akers: He used to be good for standoffish comments implying Iowa’s moral superiority, but really he doesn’t even do that anymore. Kind of just a Large Adult Son, waiting for the time when he inherits the family business and runs it into the ground.

What should I cook on it first (on a new grill)? - He was a high school quarterback

Jesse: My go-to usually is a hamburger. As long as it’s nice and fatty, it’s unlikely to stick and is a bit forgiving as you’re trying to season those new grates. Plus, hamburgers are delicious. If you’re feeling fancy, stuff em.

WSR: So in the thread I said kabobs, and this actually has me wanting to make kabobs at some point this week. But the answer is probably a good chicken breast that was prepped in a sous vide bath. All you need to do with the grill is fire it up as hot as possible and put the chicken on there for a minute or two. That way you get a test run where you’re not really cooking (just adding color) and you get to see how high the temp gets.

MNW: Haloumi. Don’t listen to these smokeboys; when have I ever steered you wrong?

misdreavus79: The next thing you’d like to eat grilled.

Buffkomodo: Steak. Nothing fancy. Just a big ol’ hunk of meat.

Are the AP voters absolute morons? They put a mediocre Purdue team at 25th? Ancillary question: who watches more games, OTE “writers” or AP voters? - boilerup86

Jesse: The thing about like, any team lower than 6, does it really matter? Sure, Purdue might not be the 25h best team in the nation, but also, who the hell cares and is there a degree of difference between say 19 and 40? Probably not. That said, I’m guessing AP Voters - by a nose - watch more games than us, but only because there are more of them and sometimes this is a war of attrition.

WSR: Yes, they are morons. They also ranked wisconsin 12th preseason. They know fuck-all and like to pick the teams they know and love and the ones that give them access. And as a whole, I think it’s probably a tie. I know there are a couple of us that are breaking the law and watching football (risking a guillotining from MNW), but it’s still one of the best ways to enjoy a perfect fall Saturday.

HWAHSQB: Is Purdue being ranked FAKENEWZ? Probably, but if you can’t get ranked for beating a fraudulent overhyped top 10 team, why are so many SEC teams ranked every year?

MNW: I would guillotine WSR for a number of reasons, but watching football is, like, #5 or #6 on that list. (WSR Note: I’m stealing your cat for this.)

Honestly, I’m totally fine with it. No, Purdue probably shouldn’t be weighing in at 25, but...like, look at the teams beneath them? Clemson? Funnier without them in the rankings. Utah? More like Boo-tah. Arkans—wait weren’t they like #9 in the country a couple weeks ago? Moving on to BY—hahahahaha nah, Purdue, you can have it. Congratties, Trainboys.

misdreavus79: Everyone’s a moron until Alabama hangs 50 on you in the championship game. That said, Purdue deserves to be 25th because they went on the road and beat the No. 2 team in the country. They also have two losses, one which was competitive until David Bell went out, and the other one involved Minnesota. Better question, who should be 25th over them? What team, in the “others receiving votes” section, has been so much better that the argument for them being 25th is so substantially clear cut that anyone who didn’t put them 25th instead of Purdue is a moron? I’ll hang up and listen.

Green Akers: Are you…upset? That the AP ranked your team for the first time in 14 years? The hell’s the matter with you? Life’s shit wall to wall man, who cares if Purdue’s deserving of that ranking, we’re at the stage in the season where there’s just enough data available for all of it to contradict each other and if they lose in the next week or two, they’re right back out. In the meantime, enjoy it while it lasts.

Buffkomodo: Weird way to flex your ranking, but yeah Purdue is trash. You just have one all world talent with David Bell you’ll lose next season. Enjoy it while it’s hot.

Best fall family “let’s get outdoors before the weather turns” activity? - LandOfSkyBlueWatersGopher

Jesse: We went to a pumpkin patch last week (note: in Texas, the weather turning is a good sign so I think there’s probably a different answer if I’m up north still). It was the perfect outdoor activity because there was a petting zoo, playground, and tons of room to roam around. The kids were busy and happy, the weather was perfect. Just totally a great thing to do top to bottom.

WSR: So the kids and I are huge fans of fall golf because the weather isn’t as hot and the sun isn’t as oppressive (they’re half-ginger, you see…) and they’re genetically predisposed to love the game (and potatoes and blowing up Mountbatten’s boat, but I digress). We also love spending Sundays hitting up various state parks to see the leaves and fat animals.

HWAHSQB: I like to make fire pit fires and sit in the backyard in the Fall.

MNW: HWAHSQB has it right here. Just sit outside, be at peace, and enjoy it. We did it up at the cabin a couple weeks back — just a bonfire, the sounds of the lake, and about 10 Oktoberfests. Heaven.

misdreavus79: I don’t understand why people have this insatiable need to go outside.

Green Akers: Speaking of enjoying it while it lasts, I really like walking my dogs in our neighborhood while it’s cool enough they won’t heatstroke out, but not so cold my face hurts. Spring in Michigan is just a muddy, ugly mess for the most part, so this happens a lot more in fall. Only drawbacks to the lovely tree arches we have over the streets are 1) constant power outages every time a drizzle moves through, though I’m personally very lucky on that front, and 2) the Kentucky coffeetrees that are popular around my place drop their leaves like *that*, so the colors don’t last as long as I’d like. First world problems, to be sure.

Buffkomodo: Sitting out back with the fire going and the football games on Sunday afternoon. Best days honestly.

What major upset will happen on the back half of the season? In the B1G? Nationally? - badgersrox

Jesse: God I hope it’s something dumb with my team involved… It won’t be, but that would be cool. I also think Georgia will find a way to screw this amazing defense over.

WSR: All right, let’s start with LSU over someone else because that is absolutely happening. Alabama is funnier, but Ole Miss this weekend seems more likely. I also think Okie State actually winning Bedlam this year would be ridiculous and fun. In the B1G, I’ve been saying all year that it’s going to be joyous to watch Nebraska’s interim coach beat Iowa.

HWAHSQB: I’ll go similar to WSR, but throw a j in there. Northwestern beating Iowa will be funny as long as you avert your eyes and don’t actually watch the game. I don’t really watch any football outside of the B1G, but for nationally, I’ll pick Notre Dame losing because that would make me happy.

MNW: Cincinnati losing in the AAC Championship Game to YOUR Houston Cougars (or SMU, whatever). The Bearcats get their two toughest remaining games, Tulsa and SMU, at Nippert, and they’ll then get the championship game in Cincinnati, too...but fuck it. Because we can’t have nice things, we’ll get no G5 team in the College Football Playoff.

misdreavus79: Georgia losing to Florida would be hilarious. In fact, Georgia losing before the championship game to anyone would be so awesome, because I could see a scenario where they lose this game, lose the SEC championship game, and get left out of the playoff altogether after looking like the best team in the country, by far, for most of the season.

Also Alabama losing to Tennessee would be hilarious too.

Green Akers: Notre Dame has slipped into relative anonymity, but there’s no way they run the table given how many narrow escapes they’ve had. Maybe it’s as early as Zombie USC this weekend, maybe it’s UNC or @UVa, but someone’s going to make them an even-less-deserving NY6 invitee than they usually are.

Buffkomodo: There are no upsets. Just happy accidents.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen thrown onto a field at a college football game? - Jon Berg

WSR: Um. Let’s go with the..ahem “marital aid” that was thrown onto the field of a D3 game.

Jesse: The Buffalo Bills special! Lol. I honestly can’t think of weirder stuff than that mustard bottle… That was just a lot.

MNW: The NUMB SpiriTeam had a rubber chicken they would throw back and forth after a penalty, and I recall it ending up adjacent to the field once. I haven’t led a very exciting life.

The answer is obviously tortillas if someone here is a Texas Tech watcher, but I wish some fanbase in college football would go the way of NHL teams when a player gets a hat trick. Your team scores a touchdown? Throw a catfish or octopus on the ice. As a matter of fact, I’ve now decided Eastern Michigan should go for the casual Red Wings fan and throw gears onto the field after the first score. WELCOME TO THE FACTORY, BITCH.

HWAHSQB: Artur Sitkowski

misdreavus79: I’ve been lucky enough to have not been at a game where things were thrown onto the field.

Buffkomodo: Honestly, I hated the Bruno Mars halftime show, but you’ve gotta give it to Left shark.

With USC and now LSU ditching their head coaches, and likely others headed in that direction, what coaches or assistants in the B1G do you think are likely to be poached? - waw

Jesse: I don’t know enough about y’all’s assistants, but it’s likely that the coaching carousel will give people the opportunity to get better jobs. I don’t really know if anyone will actually come calling for Franklin or Fleck, but those names are popular and will continue to be popular until the jobs are filled. This was a really bad answer, but I’m not educated enough to answer it. Know who won’t be getting poached? Frost. Jesus we have a lot of coach names that start with F.

WSR: You know who’s getting poached and it’s just a question of when and by whom? Mel Tucker. LSU would be hilarious, but it’d also mean that he’d need to beat OSU this year and I’m not sure if I see that happening. Other than that, I’m not sure who we’ll see. Jesse is right to see Franklin and Fleck, but sooner or later they’ll either have to move or stop having their agents and friends in the media floating their names. I do think we’re a bad even-year Fitz away from him bolting to the Bears or Vikings.

MNW: An even-year down-year for the ‘Cats would almost make these Fitz-to-NFL rumors mildly amusing.

Tucker gets a win over Michigan OR Ohio State, and he’s gone. I have no intel and don’t frankly care if it’s true; I just think LSU is crazy enough to back up the truck and say “He can win the big game” and throw him into the fire.

Failing that, though? ...Harbaugh has to go back to the NFL eventually, right? Michigan goes 10-2 this year, the Bears job is open...would you?

misdreavus79: I have it on good authority that James Franklin is taking both the LSU and USC jobs. Contracts have already been signed, sealed, and delivered.

Green Akers: See, now I KNOW the Goofer contingent is jelly that Tucker has stolen their boy’s Thunder as Guy So Awesome Everyone Wants Him. And he probably leaves at some point, because very few coaches stay in one place for 15+ years and then retire as beloved program icons, but I don’t think it’s this season. If he keeps this up, he could well get The Godfather offer from Alabama whenever Saban hangs it up, but it would be hard to get too mad about that.

As impressive as this year is, Tuck’s overall HC resume is still pretty short for destination jobs like USC or LSU. Just off the top of my head, I’d think both schools run through a list of Dabo, Jimbo, James Franklin, Dave Aranda, Brian Kelly in USC’s case, Joe Brady, Lane Kiffin, and Mark Stoops before you come to Tucker. Plus, leaving a second job in two years probably makes it harder to convince recruits you aren’t flatly lying to them when you say you’ll be there for their whole careers.

As for who does make sense for poaching, it won’t be for either of those two jobs, but once the carousel starts spinning, I’d think PSU DC Brent Pry gets some attention from your upper-G5/lower-P5 type jobs. Same could go for Wisconsin DC Jim Leonhard, who you’d assume loves it where he is but might be tired of straining his back carrying Chryst and Rudolph around.

One last note: on what grounds does PJ Fleck get a call from LSU or USC or Miami when they fire Diaz? I’m not saying he’s a bad coach, but he’s also not a guy who obviously deserves a shot at a gig like that. His career highlights so far at Minnesota are a regular season win over Penn State, which he did not follow up with a division title, and…winning an Outback Bowl against Auburn. He’s also totally failed to translate his recruiting dominance in the MAC over to this level. Go ahead, look; Minnesota’s never done better than the 7th-best class in the conference while he’s been there. If he wins out before taking both barrels from OSU in the CCG and then gets another good bowl win, maybe that changes things, but till then? Nah. Take a swing on the Alabama Coordinator Du Jour.

Buffkomodo: Fucking nobody from IU.