If you haven’t seen it yet, you need to go consume some Urban Meyer-related media in the following order: First, go look at the “reports” of Urban being drunk and hitting on people at a local Columbus, Ohio bar on yet another weekend where he proves himself incapable of coaching without a massive talent advantage. Second, go look at the photo/tweet from someone who said “OMG the guy drunkenly hitting on me all night is Urban Meyer.”

Third, go find his press conference where he apologizes for, essentially, being tempted away from a wholesome family gathering by those hedonistic, siren-song-singing, local harlots, but not really because he just says he “got himself into a bad situation.” (BTW, this apology has been shown to be complete bullshit, because liars lie and Meyer is nothing but a constant liar)

Here’s how a later apology to his team is going over...with the team:

And finally, for the grand finale, the Baked Alaska of dessert tweets, go find the Snap of him attempting to digitally penetrate an unsuspecting woman’s anus through her jeans at that bar. It’s hella creepy. And to wash it down, think about how the Snap did not surface online until AFTER he “apologized” as if he’d kept a domestic abuser on staff for years because he took meds that affected his memory or something.

Nevermind. Here’s the Snap for you:

Anyway, Urban Meyer was a great college coach from the “we have so many more good players than anyone else and sometimes we actually win big games” perspective, but dude is shady and shitty as hell. Keep him far, far away from your program unless you want some future sanctions and at least two “off the field” stories of him being shitty.

Who are we kidding, though. If Hugh Freeze and Bobby Petrino and objectively far worse coaches can get jobs despite...personal shittiness, of course Meyer is going to go to USC and probably make a CFP Final in the next five years.

OTE’s Player of the Week: Week 5

Jayden Reed - Wide Receiver & Punt Returner - Michigan State Spartans

4 receptions, 127 yards, 1 receiving touchdown; 88-yard punt return TD

Jayden Reed you sonofabitch you’ve done it again! Back-to-back POTW wins from a guy who’s not an OSU QB or a Wisconsin RB, and I will defend this selection to the death. Reed won the award last week with 4 receptions, 50ish receiving yards, and 1 TD, plus a 60-something yard return. He just did all those same things, but better, this week. Are the Western Kentucky Hilltopers better than whoever played Michigan State last week? Unsure, but I don’t remember who MSU played, so I’m saying YES!

I’m pretty sure MSU set the record for number of guys doing the hands up “Whoa we got a badass over here” Neil DeGrasse Tyson meme on a single return play. Does that mean they committed a bunch of uncalled penalties? Probably! But who cares, that’s a great, if very slow-developing, punt return.

Oh that’s right! They played Nebraska last week! Unclear whether Nebby or WKU is better at this point, but for un-disprovable argument reasons, WKU is clearly better. All we really know at this point is Reed should be considered the frontrunner for 1st Team All-American Punt Returner.

Jayde Reed: Get to know him, because he’s likely to score a very demoralizing touchdown against your team, and Joel Klatt will obviously describe it as a “huge momentum shift,” you know, like when Wisconsin scored that touchdown at the end of the first half against Michigan. Good analysis, Klatt.

Honorable Mentions

JoJo Domann - Linebacker - Nebraska Cornhuskers

9 tackles, 3 tackles for loss, 2 sacks, 2 forced fumbles

The Battle for the J was so one-sided this year it’s hard to point to any one Nebraska player and say “what that guy did really mattered.” Nonetheless, there’s no arguing against a guy who accounted for 3 negative plays and 2 turnovers by himself.

Unblocked blitzing sacks are the best kind of sacks.

I didn’t see a minute of this game, and even if I had, it’s unlikely I’d have more to say about Domann that his stat line doesn’t already say for him. Nebraska had a very, very good day defensively, and Domann was at the top of the good game pile.

Adrian Martinez - Quarterback - Nebraska Cornhuskers

11/17, 202 yards, 1 touchdown passing; 8 carries, 50 yards (sacks included?), 3 touchdowns rushing; zero turnovers

Back to back Huskers, baby. POTW is all kinds of crazy in Week 5.

It has been a long, long time since Adrian Martinez had a great game, and probably even longer since he had a great game that was turnover free. The former future of Nebraska Football, Martinez is still proving that even in your 17th year of eligibility, you can beclown a Pat Fitzgerald “defense” in the way that, frankly, all his teams deserve to be beclowned. (That’s beclown-ed, by the way, because OTE is nothing if not fancy).

Here’s a couple of Martinez’z VERY good throws:

Couple of thoughts on that second clip. First, why does it seem like we’re watching a replay on NCAA Football 2007 in the clip? And not only that, it looks like initially the sound was way ahead and the video had to go faster than normal to catch up. Super weird. Second, what was that Northwestern player DOING on that play?!? I’m sure a different angle would show something better, but it sure appeared he let the ball pass somehow right through his body and didn’t (a) impact the ball, (b) make it more difficult for the receiver, or (c) make sure the receiver stopped after the completion.

I’ve been saying for upwards of a week now (and others have been noticing for a couple weeks) that Nebraska is NOT terrible. They actually seem to be a decent-ish team that just cannot get out of its own way in any phases of the game. Think 2021 Wisconsin Badgers, but against objectively bad opponents but also looking far more capable all around. I am sad about this football season so far.

The Iowa Hawkeyes’ Defense - Every Position - Iowa Hawkeyes

7 turnovers forced, 6 interceptions, 2 tackles for loss, 3 pass breakups, 271 yards surrendered

The Iowa Hawkeyes went to Maryland this past Friday and absolutely dominated on “national” t.v., showing the country just how hard they can turn September Maryland into All The Other Months Maryland. Six different players had an interception, and the stellar defense held a pretty good offense to just 271 total yards. Plus, for the third straight game, the opponent’s starting QB saw the bench as a result of Iowa’s dominance.

I’m not even sure how you put up a stat line like that without recording a sack, but honestly who cares? Unless it’s fourth down, an interception seems like it’s better than a sack. And for all of Iowa’s obvious offensive shortcomings, you just aren’t going to lose a game where you force seven turnovers. Well, I bet there are a couple Big Ten teams who could pull that off, but you certainly aren’t going to see that kind of poor play from the Number 2 Pencil of Big Ten football coaches’ team.

Just enjoy. One after another after another after another after another after another. Phew.

Beez’z thing he liked seeing this week

Graham Mertz does not seem to be a good QB. This is compounded by the fact that his offensive line gives him no protection or time to throw. Nonetheless, on a really, really awful day for Mertz and Wisconsin football, he did manage to somehow put together three very excellent passes. Here they are:

So, in order, watch video two then video three then video one or four. I’m bad at Twitter.

I have no delusions that if Mertz had stayed healthy Wisconsin wins that game. I don’t know how he caught so much lightning in so tiny a bottle, but Wisconsin went the length of the field in about 30 seconds right before the half—a thing I’m not sure they’ve ever done. Even if he remains injured, or even if he comes back and remains bad, I’ll always be very glad I saw him throw these three passes.

And on a related note, this is the last POTW this month where I’ll have legitimately watched at least some of the games involving Big Ten players. I’m still planning to publish next Tuesday, but then I’ve got two weeks entirely off after that, and my next three Saturdays are non-negotiably super full. Time will tell if someone will fill in for me, but if someone does, you are NOT allowed to like what he or she writes more than what I write.

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NEW SEGMENT: JOKES I TOOK FROM THE FANSHOTS

The Big Ten does not have any wins over ranked opponents worth tracking at this point. Lol.

Instead, I’m excited to bring you all of the alternative titles for this article, some from me, most from your fellow readers and users of the daily Fanshot. Enjoy!

Beez: Urban Meyer Wants To Feel Your Rectum: POTW, Week 5

“Hey, what if Urban Meyer was a total piece of shit all along? POTW, Week 5”

“Are those baby carrots in your ass or is Urban Meyer just at your local bar? POTW, Week 5”

HoyaGoon: Maybe we got it all wrong and it was Zach Smith covering for Urbz this entire time?

Faith, Family, Football, Fornication: Urban Meyer’s Approach Life and the POTW

AAWolv: “Urban Meyer Colonoscopy Clinic, now open at your local bar: POTW, Week 5”

Urban Meyer sticks his digits into the Circle of Trust: POTW, Week 5

06Lion: Urban Meyer Moonlights as a Mechanic, Checks Local Woman’s Oil for Free: POTW, Week 5

KSull: Circling the Drain and Your Rectum: The Urban Meyer Edition POTW, Week 5

(Ed. Note: This was the one that served as the inspiration for the final article. Thanks Sully!)

Is That Papa John’s Garlic Sauce or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

BoilerBehindEnemyLines: Finger Sticking Good Players: Urban Meyer Edition POTW

SRuem: NO ONE CIRCLES THE RECTUM LIKE THE JACKSONVILLE JAGS

ckstevenson: I came here to circle TWO things: the wagons, and your anus. And the wagons are all circled up...