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The Whole College Football World Is The Big Ten: Fall’s Tarts Week 5

in the weight room. in the community. ON THE PRACTICE FIELD.

NCAA Football: Troy at South Carolina Jeff Blake-USA TODAY Sports

Everyone decided it was Big Ten Tribute Week, especially the Big Ten.

Don’t believe me? Here’s my evidence.

Also, bear in mind that Stanford is honorary Big Ten for as long as David Shaw is the head coach, and if you don’t know why, you either don’t know Big Ten Football or you don’t know David Shaw Stanford.

Maryland Provides Definitive Answers

4-0 Maryland was a wondrous time. Should they be favored at home against Iowa? Is Taulia Tagovailoa an unsung college football hero? Can Taulia spread it around instead of just finding his studs? Should Maryland be ranked?


(1) No. They were 3-point underdogs, but lost 51-14
(2) No.

(3) Yes, in fact, he can spread it around:

(4) No. Maryland should not be ranked

It was nice of them to leave no doubt.

Illinois Is Truly Committed To B1Gness

Bret Bielema’s Big Ten homecoming is not going especially well, but it’s going quite B1Gly.

The Fighting Illini have played six games and have yet to score a first quarter touchdown. But it’s B1Gger than that. After opening the scoring for the year with a safety, Illinois shot par for the opening quarter of the next four games before getting carried away with a three point explosion against Charlotte.

Six opening quarters. Five points.

Indiana Takes B1Gness Too Far

Tom Allen is out to prove that his Hoosiers are different than the explosive-passing no-defense Kevin Wilson variety and that instead he has a true B1G run-the-ball-and-stop-the-run squad. To that end, he’s gone so far as to avoid scoring a touchdown through eight quarters of Big Ten play.

In the weight room. In the community.


The BYU Mormons were victorious in Logan, Utah, home of the Utah State Mountain Mormons. Politely-phrased insults were exchanged, but BYU quarterback Gunner Romney ultimately fired the last shot:

Personally, I wouldn’t name my kid Gunner in the US today because I’d get sick of all the news alerts erroneously saying he was active in a different part of the country every several days, but this particular Gunner took a souvenir as a final killshot.

Illinois Moves The Ball

This sequence starts with Illinois recovering a Charlotte fumble at the opponent’s 32.

It’s incredible that sideline interference is still happening in the age of the highly publicized Get-Back Guy, but sure enough, Illinois got an extra life thanks to one on 3rd and long.

They converted it into a fumble because of course they did.

How Much Roughness Is Really Necessary?

Sorry for all the Illinois. I didn’t actually nominate that last one, which would have been way funnier if I had the video. This next one, though, is more of a rules thing. There’s a bit more detail in this post, but the below play was flagged for unnecessary roughness

Am I missing something, or was the exact level of roughness applied that was needed to prevent a first down and no more? How could this tackle have been made with less roughness, but without giving up the first down?

Is it necessary to be particularly rough at any point during the game?

Wisconsin Has That Kind Of Day

No more context needed than a Wisconsin fan expressing the sentiment of the whole fanbase

Duck Duck Goose Remix

Mario Cristobal’s debut season in 2018 was going pretty well and seemed poised to go stratospheric as his Ducks led #7 Stanford by 3 with under two minutes to go. There had been an 80-yard fumble return touchdown by Stanford earlier, but no matter. Three kneeldowns with Stanford unable to stop the clock would see the Ducks punt with just seconds remaining.

Cristobal, however, wanted to win the game on offense. So CJ Verdell took a handoff and reached for the first down, fumbling. Stanford went down, tied the game and won in overtime. This was the win probability:

Fast-forward to 2021, where Cristobal’s Ducks are 4-0 and #3 in the nation after beating Ohio State on the road. Unranked Stanford had rebounded from a lifeless road loss to Kansas State to get Clay Helton fired from USC on the way to 2-2, but this was a defense that had contained Ohio State.

This time, Stanford trailed by 7 when they got the ball back at their own 13 with just under two minutes to go and one timeout left.

An incompletion and two false starts later, Stanford had 2nd and 19 from their own 4.

From here the drive involved five Tanner McKee incompletions, two 15-yard defensive penalties, two timeouts by Oregon, a defensive holding penalty on fourth and goal...and ultimately a game-tying touchdown. The Ducks lost in overtime.

What a masterpiece.

Vanderbilt Band Gets Meta Vs UConn

On some level, many of those involved in Vanderbilt-UConn knew that the game was a meme.

The Vandy band leaned into it by playing the entire Fancy Like Applebee’s song.

Respect for self-awareness.

Splish Splash

Much has been made of the unique weakness of Jeff Brohm’s Purdue Boilermakers to rainy situations and how ironic this is, especially considering that Ross-Ade Stadium does not drain water.

Well, they once again found themselves in such a situation. Behold:

Ross-Ade in October is probably one of the better Big Ten swimming pools.

Rugby Origins Respected

South Carolina’s game against Troy featured an old-school scramble

There was, however, a more despair-inducing first down:

Cal Football Is Haunted

Have you ever given up a first down by blocking a punt?

The upback picks up the blocked punt and gets the 8-yard first down thanks to a key block from the punter. I cannot imagine continuing to watch a football game where this happened against my team.

Still not the most bizarre special teams sequence of the day

One Point Safety

Yes, it really happened in the NAIA ranks.

The tweet has a typo: “punt” should be “PAT.”

Anyway, I’d cover the Urban Meyer stuff as a bonus, but we already got coverage of that.

Bourbon Meyer


What Tart Is Best?

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    Maryland Answers The Call
    (48 votes)
  • 1%
    Bert B1Glema
    (6 votes)
  • 1%
    T0m Allen
    (5 votes)
  • 1%
    Gunner’s Stunner
    (4 votes)
  • 0%
    how bout nobody wins illinois-charlotte ok
    (3 votes)
  • 5%
    How does one measure Roughness?
    (18 votes)
  • 7%
    Wisconsin feels shitty
    (26 votes)
  • 12%
    Oregon finds a loss somehow, AGAIN
    (44 votes)
  • 1%
    Dandy Vandy Bandy
    (5 votes)
  • 9%
    The "P" stands for "sPloosh"
    (31 votes)
  • 22%
    Fumble to fumble to fumble to touchback
    (77 votes)
  • 8%
    California Foldin’ Chairs
    (28 votes)
  • 14%
    One Point Safety
    (49 votes)
344 votes total Vote Now