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King of the Dipshits: Maryland on the verge of bowling?!

Despite a season-saving win over Indiana, we’re revising our expectations of the Terps downward...

NCAA Football: Indiana at Maryland Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

It feels like it was so long ago that Maryland played West Virginia in a thrilling season-opening win.

Maryland Terrapins 38, Indiana Hoosiers 35

MD looked like a solid respectable team, except for special teams.

Woof. Special teams is still reliably horrible. The Zooker continues his lame special teams coaching. Maryland had a blocked punt deep in their own territory. And gave up massive yards on an Indiana fake punt. Apparently, the Zooker has a physics-defying, supernatural power to infiltrate suckiness to any carbon-based organism in his proximity. I write this because MD has regressed horribly.

Well, everything except the passing game. I think MD has done a COVID-like quarantine of Taulia Tagovailoa keeping him away from the Zooker. Taulia went 26-40 for 426 yards, 2 TDs and 0 INTs—his best passer rating of the season. Carlos Carriere had 7 catches for 61 yards...all season...until Indiana, when he went off for 8 catches and 134 yards and 2 TDs. That’s right he more than doubled his receptions and receiving yards in one game compared to his season totals. Kudos to him for stepping up when Donatay Demus Jr. and Jeshaun Jones are out for the season.

The special teams have been a season-long sore spot, obviously because the Zooker is in charge. But, the defense that just got trucked for 326 yards rushing by Minnesota just allowed 446 total yards and 4.9 yards per carry against the 13th-ranked offense in the B1G with a bad offensive line and a 3rd string QB.

Woof. Again, the Zooker suckiness is infiltrating the rest of the team.

Maryland beat a bad Indiana team to go 5-3 on the year. The record only looks respectable because the Terrapins came out of the gates hot in September, like they typically do. If a team has a good offensive and defensive line, Maryland doesn’t stand a chance.

My official 7-5 prediction is now going to 6-6. They will lose to Penn State, Michigan, and Michigan State before playing Rutgers for the final game of the season. If MD can beat Rutgers, they become bowl eligible at 6-6 and will claim the title, in the immortal words of Michael Anthony Hall from Sixteen Candles, “the king of the dipshits,” having beaten Illinois, Indiana and Rutgers.

I think I will make this my new goal for MD football this season. Make MD the king of the dipshits!

What’s Next?

Now for the fun part of this write-up. When Maryland plays at Michigan State in a couple of weeks, the betting opportunities are limitless. Kenneth Walker III had 197 yards and 5 TDs against Michigan. Maryland’s defense just gave up 326 rushing yards against Minny and their 4th string RB, and 446 yard of total offense against a bad Indiana offense. Does Walker III rush for more yards than Taulia Tagovailoa passes? Whats’ the over-under on Walker’s rushing yards combined with Tagovailoa’s passing yards? Who gets to 100 yards first? Does Kenneth Walker III get 300 yards rushing against MD? 400 yards? Feel free to come up with your own betting lines if you were in charge of a Vegas casino and leave them in the comments section.

Next up: vs. Penn State (2:30pm, FS1)


Sean Clifford looked really good against Ohio State. Penn State literally has no rushing attack—everyone knows he’s going to pass. Doesn’t matter. Clifford is going to eat MD alive.

Once upon a time, James Franklin was Maryland’s offensive coordinator under Ralph Friedgen. He was given the title of head coach-in-waiting, back when that was a thing. But AD Debbie Yow left for NC State, so Frankin’s coach-in-waiting thing never panned out.

Franklin is a spiteful d-bag who will surely run up the score. It will be 74-3 with 5 minutes to go and he will still have Clifford in the game, just to make Maryland look bad, out of his own bitchy little spitefulness and for recruiting purposes.

Another fun betting line: A Maryland-themed parlay!

  • What is the over-under for scoring margin before JCF takes Clifford out of the game?
  • What is the over-under with time left in the game?

If degenerates are willing to bet on NFL pre-season football games in which the outcome is decided by scrubs who won’t even make the roster, surely there is a market for these kind of bets that I have proposed.

Hey, isn’t it November?

Terps basketball preview coming this week.

Sneak Peek: Maryland csratches its way to a top-4 finish because of experience, depth, and consistency. Not because of elite NBA talent—there is none.