You all made me do this. I was having a great time with the self-deprecating humor and temporarily leading in this silly game, but you all had to get jealous of my success. Your allegations and wild conspiracy theories in last week’s comment section, combined with Penn State’s losing to fuck Michigan, plus the rest of the Yuengling in my fridge and a memory of Patrick Swayze telling his little brother to not cry about their parent’s murder is making me feel all tingly inside.

Before I go further, why don’t you scroll down a bit and, uh, give the latest update a little looksie.

The Rules

1. Start with an initial investment equal to the average of all current investors. This week, that’s 634 Delaney Dollars ($634DD). It’s too late to buy in.
2. Select team stocks to buy.
3. After the week’s games, sell, hold, and/or buy for the next week.
4. Max number of any one team’s shares that you can own is 50.
5. The game pays a 10% dividend of current prices in weeks 4, 7, 10, and 13 for all shares you’ve held for three consecutive weeks.

Team stock value comes from Teamrankings.com. The value of each team is the inverse of their current rating (out of 130 FBS teams), so team #2 costs $129, #6 costs $125, #129 costs $2.

What Teams Should I Invest In?

Buy low, sell high. Or vice versa. Buy shares of your own team, or feel all greasy by buying shares of your rival. While nobody can perfectly predict The Formula, team ratings are pretty much based on their game results, their opponents, and their opponents’ opponents.

Some players diversify, and others go heavy on one stock. You’ll find your niche. If you don’t like the dartboard method, you may want to check out Dead Read’s B1G Stock Report.

This Week

Google tells me that particular shade of blue is Penn State’s, so half of you can enjoy sporting the blue and white. The red, though? While it looks a touch off to my untrained eye, the remaining half are involuntary supporters of the Wisconsin Badgers, arguably the finest football team in Madison.

I suppose I should talk about the winners and loosers this week. I mean, besides me being the winner. Rutger [+31.4%] was the clear B1G winner, and yours truly must have been cheating to invest in them last week. Their opponent this week was the hapless Hooseirs from Indinia [-23.5%]. MNWildcat was unlucky enough to see his Wildcats lose, get his portfolio demolished, and end up with his name in the most offensive colors he could imagine. What a weekend to be alive!

You wanted a villain, now you’ve got one. In the words of the biggest villain on the site, Git good, scrubs. Oh shit, this community has turned me into an aOSU fan. You’ll pay for this.

The opening bell has rung, here are this week’s stock prices:

Illinois 60; Indiana 52; Iowa 110; Maryland 56; Michigan 127; Michigan State 108; Minnesota 97; Nebraska 107; Northwestern 46; Ohio State 129; Penn State 119; Purdue 103; Rutger 67; Wisconsin 126

Get your buys in by ****5pm Best Time Zone Friday.**** And remember, greed is good.