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Fall’s Tarts At The End Of The World: Week 11

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You’d descend into madness staring into the end times too.

NCAA Football: Kansas at Texas Scott Wachter-USA TODAY Sports

This season has been among the goofier in recent memory (despite the looming cloud that is Alabama Vs. Georgia Parts 1 & 2) and thus I feel fortunate to be the one to curate your Fall’s Tarts for such a whimsical campaign. That being said, I rarely seem to have a grasp on what Tart y’all will favor. Let it be known that I am bringing back Tart Of The Year, but only things involving Big Ten teams will be eligible.

Anyway, let’s get right to it.

Indiana Responds Appropriately To Football World Ending

The Hoosiers have lost every conference game and seem headed to 2-10. The fall from two winning seasons finishing ranked to absolute rock bottom has clearly taken a toll on the psyche of the Hoosier faithful, and they chose to respond as though the world was ending:

The nudity only intensified over the course of the day, with the shirtless crowd filling out an entire section by the end of the game. Hey, at least they found some reason to stay!

Scared Shitless On Chickenshit Saturday

Florida celebrated SEC Chickenshit Saturday a week early by playing Samford, the fifth place team in the SoCon. The best team the Bulldogs had beaten was Western Carolina, who now owns a 3-7 overall record. In a small-dog rasslin’ match, Samford narrowly survived a Wofford Terriers squad that is now 0-8 in SoCon play by a 27-24 score.

Florida plays in the SEC and was at one point ranked in the top ten.

At the half, the Gators trailed 42-35 after giving up over 300 first half passing yards to quarterback Liam Welch.

The Gators offense responded with 35 more points in the second half as they pulled away to win 70-52. Samford’s 52 points tied their season high, scored against Tennessee Tech, the worst team in the OVC. Every defense in the SoCon has held Samford under 50, but I guess the SEC wouldn’t know anything about that. That’s defense.

Dan Mullen and the boys were HYPED

Samford is now 4-6 on the year.

Oklahoma Gets Field-Rushed Before Giving Up Insulting Field Goal

Baylor Big-Ten-Footballed the Oklahoma Sooners to their first loss of the season, and as time ran down their fans rushed the field, much to Lincoln Riley’s chagrin:

The game could not be called yet, however, because there was still one more order of business remaining: Baylor had to attempt a field goal.

Yes, even up 10, Baylor kicked a field goal to make it a 27-14 victory. The tart here is on the Big 12 using scoring margin as a tiebreaker; Dave Aranda cited this as the reason he called for the field goal. What did you think was going to happen?

The B1G Goes To The Fun Belt

My colleague Andrew was holding up pretty well from a composure standpoint on his wedding day Saturday until about a half an hour before the ceremony was due to start. Things got rather emotional during it (in a sweet way), leaving the brand new husband in need of some time to process what had just happened.

During this moment, I figured I probably don’t need to give him any college football updates.

Unless of course they’re EXTREMELY important.

I think this qualifies. Old Dominion would subsequently ruin this by scoring a touchdown, but for a brief moment, we had a 4-3 score.

OK KO

I’m sorry, but this hair is a tart.

You’re just not allowed to do this.

STOP, YOU’RE MAKING THEM STRONGER

Texas Tech fans became disgruntled enough to start throwing things. As with the case that set precedent for the season, security cleared out some of the sections from which things were being thrown.

Well, it turns out those people being cleared out just compressed into a section behind the Iowa State bench.

Oops. Iowa State would rally to tie the game before Texas Tech won it on a 62 yard walk-off field goal.

Spike Time Has Passed

Take a look at Miami’s hero drive against Florida State

Shades of Chris Laviano

Liar Liar

I’m not entirely sure what Jim Harbaugh has been dishonest about, but I’ve always heard that was a prerequisite to one’s pants being on fire.

When was the last time you saw a good Hot Foot in baseball?

James Franklin just can’t do it anymore.

Jordan Stout pushed a 43-yard field goal wide right in the 3rd quarter against Michigan and James Franklin just couldn’t believe it.

fuckin’

god.

It’s a lot more mellow than Brian Van Gorder’s legendary rendition of a similar phrase

Texas Blight

Texas once led Oklahoma 28-7.

Since this point, the Longhorns not only lost that game, but lost the next four as well to drop to 4-5.

Then Kansas came to town.

After rallying from being down 35-14 AT HOME TO KANSAS, the Longhorns took it to a 49-point regulation tie and scored in overtime. Lance Leipold was having none of it and went for two after scoring to try to end the game.

That’s a walk-on freshman named Jared Casey. That was his first snap with the Kansas offense.

Here’s the moment as recorded by 247’s 11th-ranked player in the 2022 recruiting class, linebacker Harold Perkins

Texas is now 4-6.

How Does One Answer This?

Steve Sarkisian had to face the press again yesterday. I’ve never wanted to punch a question in the face harder:

...What?!?!

Here’s a transcript

The only correct response to this is “OK cool, hook ‘em”

Bonus Content: NFL Edition

When the Dolphins thumped the Ravens in the face unexpectedly, the door opened for the Pittsburgh Steelers to tie said Ravens for first place in the AFC North by beating the 0-8 Detroit Lions.

Pittsburgh fell behind, but tied the game with two field goals (including a 23-yarder) with over 11 minutes left in the game.

The next six drives consisted of five punts and a kneel-down.

On the first drive of OT, the Lions punted. The Steelers’ ensuing drive saw Diontae Johnson gain 39 yards on a pass play only to fumble it back to the Lions. Detroit marched down the field largely with penalties, but missed a field goal. After trading punts, Pittsburgh had the ball and had gotten into field goal range with just fifteen seconds to go. They went to the ever-trusty Pat Freiermuth to give them some insurance yards...and he had the ball dislodged right on the sideline. It stayed inbounds and Detroit recovered, then failed to convert on a lateral play.

They’re now 0-8-1.

Bonus Content: This Is B1G-Adjacent

From Twitter user @deanzaZZR, here’s a sumo victory the likes of which I’ve never seen:

I’m sure that guy also didn’t expect to be forklifted out of the ring butt-first.

Sumo should be a Big Ten sport.

Poll

Best Tart of Week 11

This poll is closed

  • 8%
    Indiana Gets Naked
    (25 votes)
  • 6%
    Florida Gets Bombed
    (20 votes)
  • 1%
    Field Rush Delays Go-Up-By-13 FG
    (4 votes)
  • 0%
    4-3
    (2 votes)
  • 8%
    Ko Kieft’s hair
    (24 votes)
  • 0%
    Security condenses Texas Tech fans
    (2 votes)
  • 2%
    Too Late To Spike
    (7 votes)
  • 3%
    Pants On Fire
    (10 votes)
  • 6%
    fuck man
    (18 votes)
  • 44%
    Texas Lost To Kansas
    (127 votes)
  • 16%
    The worst question in the history of press conferences
    (48 votes)
287 votes total Vote Now