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College Football Is Working Remotely: Fall’s Tarts Week 12

We’re working through these unprecedented times.

NCAA Football: Connecticut at Central Florida
this might be northwestern
Mike Watters-USA TODAY Sports

Man, I really zeroed in on the Illini football game this weekend instead of just kinda channel surfing and I paid the price for it.

Missed plenty of fun stuff.

What a dumb sport.

Where We’re Going, We Don’t Need Quarterbacks

A rather abominable Friday matchup between 1-9 Southern Miss and 3-7 Louisiana Tech took an interesting turn when the Golden Eagles listed zero quarterbacks on their starting roster.

The reason they did this is because they’ve somehow lost ten quarterbacks due to injury this year

So they simply made do without. The result? Frank Gore Jr. threw for two touchdowns as the non-quarterbacks combined to go 8/13 for 110 yards and 3 touchdowns (one Gore INT) in a 35-19 win. The non-quarterbacks did better than Louisiana Tech QB Aaron Allen, who was 11/25 for 100 yards and two picks and didn’t find the end zone.

Southern Miss is 1-0 since running out of quarterbacks.

in the weight room. in the community.

Behold the beginning of Rutgers-Penn State and tremble

This made for one hell of a mixtape

Purdue Protests The Game Conditions

Northwestern keeps trying to make Wrigley Field happen, because apparently Mikel Leshoure going for 330 yards on them wasn’t quite enough. The turf was an absolute shitshow, and this worked in Purdue’s favor:

This wouldn’t have happened if you’d just played in your high-school-ass football stadium.

FS1 Works Remotely

Fox Sports 1 decided to literally mail it in with their coverage of the Iowa-Illinois game this week. It was apparent that the crew wasn’t there either physically or mentally, and some very important details were left out.

I didn’t find out until later that Iowa started a drive in our red zone because of 30 yards worth of personal fouls against the Illini for things that happened during the commercial break. Devin Gardner twice insisted that Illinois was down two scores while they trailed by 7 and in general I don’t know why Fox even bothered having commentary if they weren’t going to send people to the actual game.

Personal Foul, Excessive Swag

UCLA absolutely stomped USC in the nuts this past weekend, and after quarterback Dorian Thompson-Robinson ran it in for yet another touchdown, a UCLA fan in the Coliseum handed him a hat and a pen and got an autograph.

This was flagged for a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty.

May The Force Drinkwitz You

Last year, after escalating an on-field fight in the Florida-Missouri game, Dan Mullen showed up to the postgame press conference dressed as Darth Vader.

Things were a little different this year though. Mizzou beat the Gators on a two-point conversion in the first overtime in what would prove to be Mullen’s last game. Mizzou head coach Eli Drinkwitz didn’t forget:

Mullen would get canned a couple days later

UCF Gets Dunked On By UConn

I guess because this year wasn’t quite as fun as they’d hoped, UCF decided to revive the Civil ConFLiCT Trophy first brought to life by Bob Diaco for their game against UConn this past week.


It seems they didn’t actually have the trophy, because the item in their hype video was quickly exposed as a replica.

This prompted UConn Football, of all entities, to come flying in from the top rope.

How do you mess up something just kinda fun so badly that you get dunked on by UConn?

Bye Bye Veilleux

Penn State quarterback Christian Veilleux finally got some meaningful game action and jumpstarted the Penn State offense enough to pull away from The ‘Gers.

For his encore, he jogged off the field and forgot about how friction changes when you step onto a different suface.

Stadium Capacity Over A Million

Damn, I didn’t realize Penn State had upgraded their capacity so much.

So what do you think?


What’s the best Tart of Week 12

This poll is closed

  • 5%
    USM Quarterback Crisis
    (14 votes)
  • 8%
    Rutgers Really Joins The Big Ten
    (19 votes)
  • 21%
    Northwestern Gets Screwed By Their Own Stupid Turf
    (51 votes)
  • 15%
    FS1 Works From Home
    (37 votes)
  • 2%
    Personal Foul, Dripping
    (6 votes)
  • 6%
    Dan Mullen Is Not A Jedi Yet
    (15 votes)
  • 10%
    UCF Recreates Trophy They Thought Was Dumb
    (25 votes)
  • 2%
    (7 votes)
  • 24%
    (57 votes)
  • 1%
    Other (say in the comments!)
    (3 votes)
234 votes total Vote Now