Penn State lost their fifth damn game this weekend. While that does make me a little irritated, it increases the chances I’ll be able to attend their third-tier bowl game this year. Yayyy.

But you’re not here for my bragging, are you? You’re here to see how them sweet, sweet dividends paid out. They were paid out at 10%, exactly as expected. Many of you will scroll down and see just how much your portfolio increased this weekend. Others chose Northwestern[-9.1%] or Rutger[-10.2%] as your primary holding. As Julia Roberts might say, big mistake. Huge.

The Rules

1. Start with an initial investment equal to the average of all current investors. This week, that’s 623 Delaney Dollars ($623DD). It’s too late to buy in this year, keep an eye out for the return next August. Timing the market almost never beats time in the market.
2. Select team stocks to buy.
3. After the week’s games, sell, hold, and/or buy for the next week.
4. Max number of any one team’s shares that you can own is 50.
5. The game pays a 10% dividend of current prices in weeks 4, 7, 10, and 13 for all shares you’ve held for three consecutive weeks.

Team stock value comes from Teamrankings.com. The value of each team is the inverse of their current rating (out of 130 FBS teams), so team #2 costs $129, #6 costs $125, #129 costs $2.

What Teams Should I Invest In?

Buy low, sell high. Or vice versa. Buy shares of your own team, or feel all greasy by buying shares of your rival. While nobody can perfectly predict The Formula, team ratings are pretty much based on their game results, their opponents, and their opponents’ opponents.

Some players diversify, and others go heavy on one stock. You’ll find your niche. If you don’t like the dartboard method, you may want to check out Dead Read’s B1G Stock Report.

This Week

A heartfelt congratulations to ckstevenson for willing his way to 39th place on the shells of his Turtles[%], though maybe partial credit goes to steelinnj, whose Week 12 decision to go all in on Indinia[-5.9%] and Rutger were among the worst possible choices in Stock Market Game history.

I hope the Michigan State fans on here appreciate the changed color palette on the spreadsheet. Winning the Land Grant Trophy should come with a few benefits. It won’t fully offset the cost of hiring a structural engineer to ensure your trophy case can still handle the weight, but it’s the thought that counts. Truth be told, if you told me Penn State[-0.8%] absolutely had to lose to another Big Ten team, there are none I would rather it be to than Michigan State[NO CHANGE].

Only a handful of games this weekend, so not many opportunities to make up ground. An Iowa thrashing of Michigan would certainly move the needle, but is anyone dumb courageous enough to risk everything? We will have one additional session next week for the Bowl Season, then a season wrap up in January.

BONUS CONTENT! I put my Sunday sobriety to good use this week by creating a chart that tracks each player’s ups and downs throughout the season. Yes, Week 10 is missing, I realized I was writing over it about ³⁄₄ of the way into creating Week 11, and I just didn’t have the energy to start over. I saved the snip from that week, so maybe I’ll go back and fix that next week. Anyway, enjoy!

The opening bell has rung, here are this week’s stock prices:

Illinois 68; Indiana 48; Iowa 111; Maryland 60; Michigan 127; Michigan State 102; Minnesota 105; Nebraska 107; Northwestern 40; Ohio State 129; Penn State 119; Purdue 109; Rutger 53; Wisconsin 123

Get your buys in by ****5pm Best Time Zone Friday.**** And remember, greed is good.