Howdy dear readers! My oh my what a season it has been so far. For some of us the season is already over, but for others the fight continues. As we approach the end of the season, I thought it would be fun to bring the “old ball and chain” in to help with the power poll this week. That’s right, all of these different topics for this week come right from my beautiful, wonderful, annoyed wife.
My wife is a wonderful woman. She puts up with my shit. She works full time while trying to be a mother. She makes enchiladas on Tuesdays. I could spend endless amounts of time telling you the things she loves and how great she is. Good news and feel goods don’t sell power polls though. That’s why this week’s power poll is on… things my wife HATES. Please enjoy the worst power poll to date.
Previously On Power Poll
14. Northwestern Wildcats | My Perpetually Changing Plans
First Place Votes: Lol; High: 11; Low: 14; Last Week: 12 (-2)
I’m notorious for changing plans. It’s a part of who I am. My plans for Saturday change each day throughout the week. Most of the time, I do not consult my wife. To be fair, if the change is going to completely alter our weekend, I make sure to consult the commander in chief. That’s what prevents the big fights. Where I get in trouble is the little things. She’s become accustom to this and knows the cycle of how things change, but she still hates it.
Speaking of cycles and how things change, Northwestern is on the bad year of their cycle. Northwestern has become this machine that every 4 years, you get a real dud of a season. This season is that season. 2019 was that season too, but we won’t hold that against you. Northwestern is pretty much ready to pack its season in as, with 3 wins, probably isn’t bowling and has looked relatively bad all year. Here’s hoping next year is better.
13. Indiana Hoosiers | Leaving Disney World Without Seeing the Castle Show
First Place Votes: Lol; High: 10; Low: 14; Last Week: 9 (-4)
My family is a Disney family. I have no problems with admitting that. We watch Disney+ constantly. We also take vacations to Disney parks every so often. I admit that having been lucky enough to go to Disney World so many times in my life, I am beginning to grow sour on the park days. My wife has no such feelings. Going to Disney parks is one of the things she enjoys the most in this world, which means that leaving the parks is one of the most deflating feelings she gets. The big cherry on top of the park days is when we stand in Magic Kingdom to watch the nighttime castle show (I know it’s changed recently). There was one time early in our relationship we did not stay for the castle show, and it was the most disappointed I’d ever seen my wife. She was devastated to miss it.
Speaking of disappointments, Indiana. Ohhhhhhh my Indiana home. You are quite the disappointment. I don’t have a lot to say that I haven’t said in other pieces. I was one of the biggest cheerleaders in the preseason. Now? Welp just pack it up, fire Nick Sheridan, and try again next year. Regardless where we end up, Tom Allen has earned a bad year. Let’s see how he rebounds. Right now, this may be the worst team in the B1G.
12. Illinois Fighting Illini | Will Ferrell Movies
First Place Votes: 0; High: 6; Low: 14; Last Week: 14 (+2)
Will Ferrell can be an acquired taste. He generally has the same goofy, loud, and dumb demeanor in all his movies. While I tend to enjoy his on screen antics, my wife gains no glee. She flat out hates this man’s work. Even the simplest, wholesome, family movie Elf is met with a “do we have to?” It’s quite sad.
Know what else is sad? Illinois football. Illinois sits 3-6 on the year but lost 4 of those games by 7 or less. Think about that. How crazy would it be if we were looking at a 7-2 Illinois squad. IT’S NOT THAT CRAZY. Now, Illinois must sweep Minnesota, Iowa, and Northwestern to go bowling. Soooo it looks like it’s onto basketball season for you guys. Better luck next year!
11. Rutgers Scarlet Knights | Beer
First Place Votes: 0; High: 10; Low: 13; Last Week: 12 (+2)
My wife does not drink alcohol very often. When she does drink, she prefers the warmth of a rum and Coke. That’s about her lane. I’ve often tried to get her to drink a cheaper, better option in beer. She refuses. She absolutely can’t stand if I’ve had a beer either. She thinks beer tastes bad and smells horrible.
You know what else tastes bad and smells horrible? Hey there Rutgers! I know you can’t help how New Jersey smells, but only having one coach on the planet that can make your team moderately competitive should leave a bad taste in your mouth. The ‘gers have some optimism left in the tank for this season too! At 4-4, Rutgers has games against a Wisconsin team that has had moments of ineptness, and then two of the worst teams in the B1G in Indiana and Maryland left on the schedule. Could the ‘gers go bowling? It’s possible. Start talking to your kids.
10. Nebraska Cornhuskers | My Mother’s Unsolicited Advice
First Place Votes: 0; High: 9; Low: 12; Last Week: 11 (+1)
Mother-in-laws, am I right? My mother-in-law is a real piece of work, but this power poll isn’t things I hate. It’s things my wife hates and shit does she have a piece of work mother-in-law too. Perhaps of all my mom’s flaws, the biggest is the consistent gift of unsolicited advice. Not just, “hey, you guys should really go to try” this or “you guys might like” that. Like, here’s how you should live your life advice. Raise your little Komodo this way. Don’t let him do that. Boy oh boy, she lets me have it anytime we get advice like that from my mother. It’s super annoying.
What else is super annoying? Scott Frost. Nebraska goes here because of that wonderful transition that took 2 attempts to make. Scott Frost is always trying to tell his team exactly what to do, but for some reason those players just don’t do what he tells them to. It’s honestly so sad to see a brilliant coach be burdened with players like these. Players that just don’t care. Maybe he can get better players in his next job. In all seriousness, Nebraska has talent enough to compete in the B1G West but instead they’re hanging out with Northwestern on a down year. Best of luck next year.
9. Maryland Terrapins | Bellatrix LeStrange
First Place Votes: 0; High: 8; Low: 11; Last Week: 10 (+1)
My wife is a bit of a Harry Potter fan. She owns multiple wands from Universal. Watches the movies in order each year, subscribes to the “Swish and Flick” podcast as a premium subscriber, and has the special new hardback books that have pictures. She likes Harry Potter. Not all characters are created equal though and there are some she absolutely hates. One of those hated characters is the awful Bellatrix Lestrange. Bellatrix was a death eater who followed Lord Voldemort and was a main antagonist in a few of the books/movies. She killed her own family members! Who does that?
Maryland. Maryland has actually had a decent year and may just got bowling. While 3 of their remaining 4 games completely suck, there is a showdown for 5th in the East in the final week of the season with the ‘gers on the schedule. It also looks like the winner of that game will play in a toilet bowl somewhere. Who wins? Corporate America, that’s who.
8. Purdue Boilermakers | Dolores Umbridge
First Place Votes: 0; High: 5; Low: 8; Last Week: 6 (-2)
Another Harry Potter character my wife despises is Dolores Umbridge. Dolores was the defense against the dark arts teacher when Dumbledore was being spied on by the ministry in Order of the Phoenix. Back off if that wasn’t exactly correct. Any who, my wife has a disdain for this character from the books and film. In our Lego Hogwarts Castle set, she’s the only character my wife refuses to put in the set. She claims “she’s just the worst.” Such a witch.
Much like Dolores, Purdue is just the worst. Yes, you have managed to have two straight All-American wide receivers. Yes your massively paid coach has underachieved to this point. Yes you lost to Notre Dame. Yes you walked into Iowa and kicked the shit out of them. You do have 5 wins this year and will likely go bowling. You aren’t the worst B1G team in Indiana. That doesn’t impress me though. You are to me what Dolores Umbridge is to my wife…the worst.
7. Iowa Hawkeyes | Kim Mulkey
First Place Votes: 0; High: 5; Low: 9; Last Week: 5 (-2)
Kim Mulkey is a rather intriguing figure, isn’t she? Those who do not know, Kim Mulkey is the LSU women’s basketball coach who was formerly at Baylor for years. Most notably she backed the Baylor football program when all of its scandals came to light. To say it lightly, she may not be a great person to hang around. My wife, the basketball fan she is, hates this woman. Like, legit hates her. Anytime she sees a Kim Mulkey loss she chuckles.
Iowa, I don’t particularly have a transition for this. You guys are ‘ight. 6-2 and one game back in the West. The real pitfall is you got beat by Purdue, which admittingly made me chuckle a bit. Losing to Wisconsin made me giggle…my god. That’s the transition isn’t it. Anytime Iowa goes full Iowa I laugh. Well done me.
6. Minnesota Golden Gophers | Spiders
First Place Votes: 0; High: 3; Low: 9; Last Week: 7 (+1)
Creepy, crawly, and very prevalent in society this time of year, up next is the lowly spider. This woman abhors, hates, despises anything with 8 legs. Ecosystems be damned, my wife would wipe every spider off the face of the earth if she could. It’s not just hate either, it’s also some fear. She hates these things so much but must call on me from the bowels of the basement to kill a spider in our upstairs. Like, take care of it yourself man.
Speaking of creepy and crawly, look who’s crawling back up the water spout. After a disastrous start to the season which included a loss to the Bottom 10 darling Bowling Green, Minnesota has slowly creeped and crawled its way into 1st place in the B1G West. I thought Minnesota was cooked, done, stick a fork in them, but Mr. Fleck has this team rowing in the right direction now.
5. Penn State Nittany Lions | Gestational Diabetes
First Place Votes: 0; High: 4; Low: 10; Last Week: 4 (-1)
The public education system in Indiana was pretty terrible. I got an A in my health classes growing up, but when it actually came time to have a child, boy oh boy was I clueless. The whole experience was just a health class for me. One of the weirder things that occurred was something called “gestational diabetes.” My wife got tested twice for this and after the second time, the doctor told her to limit her sweets just in case because she was riiiiiight on the line of having diabetes. This whole process of gestational diabetes was painful for her because she was eating like a 5 year old. Chocolate each meal. Lots of ice cream. Sour Patch Kids. You know, stuff that will give you real diabetes. The worst part for her was having to swallow that terrible Gatorade like drink to do the test. It tasted not to bad at first, but later made her sick and she actually threw it up on the second test.
You know what else starts out not to bad but then gets worse to the point of nausea? I assume being a Penn State fan. Penn State started out real hot. Top 10 hot. Primed for a shot at the playoffs hot. Then Sean Clifford gets hurt at Iowa and the walls come tumbling down. Now you’re on a 2 game losing streak and prepping for next year because you failed at beating Illinois and running the Philly special.
4. Wisconsin Badgers | Chewing with Your Mouth Open
First Place Votes: 0; High: 3; Low: 6; Last Week: 8 (+4)
It’s just polite to chew with your mouth closed. I think we all get that. I don’t like to make a habit out of chewing food with my mouth open either. When I’m in the comfort of my own home with a box of cheezits on the couch though, I feel like I can occasionally slip up and chew with my mouth open. Nope! There is no middle ground with my wife. It is all or nothing. Should my mouth be open while chewing in her presence, I shall receive “the stare” until I realize what I’ve done and correct my mistake. No compromises.
Speaking of correcting mistakes, look at you Wisconsin. Correcting mistakes since that disastrous 1-3 start, Wisconsin is a stone’s throw from first place in the B1G West with a game against Minnesota still on the schedule. Your title game sacrifice chances are still alive. Good for you.
3. Michigan Wolverines | Feet Outside of the Blanket
First Place Votes: 0; High: 3; Low: 7; Last Week: 2 (-1)
Despite the fact that it was 80 degrees in Cincinnati up until a couple weeks ago, fall appears to finally be here. My wife is one of these people that loves good fall weather. Picking a spot on the couch, grabbing a blanket, and cuddling up while watching some bullshit Hallmark movie is her jam. That is, unless the blanket is too small or she swaddles up too much and her feet stick outside the blanket. Like many women I’ve known, her feet tend to be a consistent 40 degrees Fahrenheit year round. As any science person would know this requires constant blanket coverage year-round. You can see the rage in my wife’s eyes when her lower digits come outside of the blanket. Pure. Rage.
What else is cold and of pure rage? I see you Wolverine fans. Sure you had a good 7 game run, but you also gave Kenneth Walker a few good runs this past weekend. The fan base I’m sure is white hot again. Old Jimmy is back to losing to rivals in embarrassing fashion. Enjoy your 10-2 or 9-3 season.
2. Michigan State Spartans | Stand Up Comedy Specials
First Place Votes: 3; High: 1; Low: 2; Last Week: 3 (+1)
I love me some stand up comedy. I’ve loved it since I was a wee lad growing up in limestone country. When you begin dating someone, you always want to share the things you love with them. When my wife and I started dating, I got her to watch many of the classic stand up routines. Robin Williams. Richard Pryor. Eddie Murphy. George Carlin. We also watched stand ups as they came out too. For the longest time, I thought she was truly enjoying these standups. Then, a few weeks ago, Dave Chappelle’s Closer came out. I was super excited to watch it with her and see how it was. I had not clicked play longer than 2 seconds before she exclaimed, “what are you doing? I don’t want to watch this. I hate stand up.” 7 years. Hours of watching. Now you want to tell me you hate stand up. I was surprised, hurt, and had no idea what to really think.
Hello Michigan State. Much like my wife’s seemingly flip of a switch, you guys turned something on this offseason and went from laughable to…well…pretty good. Heisman candidate. Top 5 ranking. Looming showdown with Ohio State. I really don’t know what to say. I, like most others, thought you would be garbage this year so I’m surprised. I’m hurt that you beat my Hoosiers. I really don’t know what to think either because I have no idea how good you actually are. Have you actually beat anyone worth anything? Michigan? Are we sure Michigan is good? You only beat a bad Indiana team by 5 (such a weird victory margin). Anyways, enjoy the ride while it lasts. Yay you.
1. Ohio State Buckeyes | Me
First Place Votes: 11; High: 1; Low: 2; Last Week: 1 (-)
My wife had plenty of suitors when I attempted to gain her favor. She chose me. Since then, the years have
ground flown by. We’ve become quite intimate with each other and have an understanding of who each of us truly are. After all this time, I’m not quite certain that she really likes the turd she’s polished. She no longer laughs at my jokes. The small things she use to love about me annoy her to no end. I always forget to tell the cashier “no onion” when I get her burger at Wendy’s. While time has shown I was in fact the best suitor my wife had (I offered her father a heifer and 6 shekels. The next best offer was a goat and a fine robe), it’s clear she was dealt a 2 and an off suit 7. She may love me, but boy sometimes she hates me. She also hates the shekel joke. Oh well.
This is the way the B1G feels about Ohio State. Clearly the best. Clearly providing stable financial resources to the conference. Boy, do we hate them though. Sometimes we fantasize about shoving their head in the toilet and kicking them to the curb, but would things really be any better? No. Ohio State has recovered nicely since their loss to Oregon and remain the best option in the B1G no matter how sad that makes us inside.