It’s always tough writing in the wake of the emotional comedown from ILLINUTGERS, especially after a loss. But there are many laughs to be had at the expense of our favorite sport, so I must press on.
The Big Ten Kills Illinutgers
The end of the protected Illinutgers series is probably going to be a massive setback in my campaign to get the larger college sports media world to adopt Illinutgers as the name of this rivalry. Thanks, B1G, for six great years to get this series out to eight total matchups, but no thanks for replacing it with ILLINIPS. That’s not as catchy, but it is just as competitive; Illinois has won two of their last 5 against Penn State, just as Rutgers has won two of their last five against the Illini.
Flippity Floppity Just Can’t Stoppity
Sometimes you just really want a first down.
Pro moves get pro results pic.twitter.com/PLF5xoZ6rW— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) October 30, 2021
Props for the celebration
Iowa’s Self-Preservation Instincts Kick In
As Iowa flailed its way to 156 yards against a stout Wisconsin defense, Kirk/Brian Ferentz made the only offensive adjustment they know how to make: Go more conservative.
- FB dive on 3rd and 2. Get 1 yard
- Decided to go for it.
- Can’t get a play off, call timeout
- Still go for it
- Out of the timeout, call another fullback dive.
- Don’t get it.
Kirk only throws the changeup.
Illini Fans Bail On Their Team To Beat Traffic By Three Minutes
I didn’t bother recording a video, but most of the Illini fans who had stayed through the fourth quarter of Illinois playing Rutgers left when the Illini turned the ball over on downs at the Rutgers 34 or so with about 56 seconds remaining.
Illinois had all three timeouts.
At this point, leaving the game is a cost-benefit analysis.
Cost: Sacrifice the opportunity to watch Illinois make a stop and potentially win the game; can’t make noise for the defense; guilt in knowing you gave up on your team
Benefits: If you’re right and they do give up the first down, you’ve gotten started leaving the stadium roughly three real-time minutes earlier than if you’d stayed to watch them give up the first down.
How can you give up on your team to save three minutes walking? Just walk faster after your team is out of it! What traffic is there to beat? Illinois hasn’t had an 8-win season in fourteen years but we’re still setting up traffic like people care, you’ll be fine.
Scot Adds A Second T
Prior to this season, Bowling Green head coach Scot Loeffler was best known for being involved in the scoreless regulation tie between Wake Forest and Virginia Tech. After picking up a win at Minnesota despite coaching the worst offense in the country, this happened against Buffalo:
I don't think I've ever seen this in a college football game. Wild. pic.twitter.com/q0pHw8bwZG— Max Olson (@max_olson) October 30, 2021
Loeffler is indeed the first coach to ever be ejected under the “two unsportsmanlike and out” rule. He entered Scot Loeffler, but then he got T’d up again and became Scott.
One True Scotsman
His team responded with an unprecedented offensive explosion. And when I say unprecedented, I mean:
THE HEAD COACHLESS BOWLING GREEN FALCONS FAKE A KNEEL DOWN FOR A TOUCHDOWN AGAINST BUFFALO??!!! pic.twitter.com/vdyWsnXQur— Sickos Committee (@SickosCommittee) October 30, 2021
I have never seen a rushing touchdown scored on a called kneeldown before. That QB could have won the game by just kneeling it, but he saw daylight.
Success With Honor: East Lansing Edition
On our podcast, Andrew, the MSU guy, complained a bit about the noon start time for the Paul Bunyan game. He did, however, admit that he understood the concerns of the local police. These concerns were well-founded:
Time to set things on fire again!
With Apologies To Big Ten Infographics
I predicted this
Nobody else saw this? pic.twitter.com/ifkQBoKSaj— HardyWallbanger (@HardyWallbanger) October 30, 2021
Apparently, hoity-toity private universities have an affinity for making the kicker run on fake field goals:
so hey maybe don't ask your kicker to run for seven yards on the fake field goal pic.twitter.com/WWKLDCHVAg— Christian D'Andrea probably does not own a brewery (@TrainIsland) October 30, 2021
This is the same exact play that Pat Fitzgerald’s Northwestern Wildcats ran a few weeks ago to similar effect.
Punting On Fourth And Short: Romance Edition
Have I touched on how the Big 12 is becoming the Big Ten and the ACC is becoming the Big 12?
Either way, this was at an ACC game, where you certainly want to have more aggressive playcalling than this guy:
This girl gets shut down harder than the Duke offense. 100% it’s because he chickened out even though she was giving him a bright, blinking “GO” sign. Just kiss her, you dork! (Video sent by a friend) #wakeforest pic.twitter.com/HZTk5QmGYt— Walter Rauschenbusch Light (@revmattjohnson) October 30, 2021
That’s a punt on fourth and an inch when the defense lines up with no men in the box.
Texas Gonna Texas
So after last season, Texas hired this guy as an assistant coach:
You CAN NOT make this up!!!!— Gig’Em Aggies! (@MottThunder2) January 15, 2021
The Longhorns just hired Jeff Banks who left his wife and kids to be with a stripper named Pole Assassin who has been on Jerry Springer and has a pet monkey who is a part of her stripping act!
Which ‘Core Value’ is this again!? pic.twitter.com/h4tujmTfQn
Apparently, the monkey had a bit of a problem with Halloween.
I'm hearing a repot from a credible source that Texas Longhorns Special Teams Coach Jeff Banks' monkey allegedly attacked and seriously hurt a young Trick-or-Treater last night on Halloween.— Tom Campbell (@thomasgcampbell) November 1, 2021
The monkey's jaws apparently had to be pried off the small child.
Naturally, this piqued Wazzu’s interest.
One name to watch in the Washington State search is Texas asst head coach/special teams Jeff Banks. Former Washington State player who was a key member of Nick Saban's staff. Making $1 million at Texas.— Dennis Dodd (@dennisdoddcbs) October 19, 2021
See you next week!
What’s the best Tart of Week 9?
This poll is closed
Iowa has no plan
Illinois has no fan
First-ever coach ejection on two fouls
Rushing TD on a called kneeldown
Michigan State fans act like they’ve been there before
Vanderbilt’s Northwestern tribute fake
Big Ten Romance In The ACC
Texas monkey attack