There's one thing I need you to promise me before you read this edition of Don't Watch This; Watch That.

The ideas contained within are so outlandish, so thought-provoking, and yet so beautiful, that you need to have some sort of adequate piece of music on in the background while you ponder them.

For that, because you are sure to get angry at some point while reading these comparisons, I would like you to play what I find to be the most infuriating, worst piece of music ever written:

Maurice Ravel is surely looking up at us right now.

---

Is Bolero playing? Good. Then I shall proceed.

All the wailing and teeth gnashing here in the Twin Cities since the Vikings found a spectacularly stupid way to lose to the Dallas Cowboys last Sunday night led me to think: if the Vikings and Gophers traded coaches, would it matter?

And so, friends:

An Examination of NFL-Big Ten Coaching Exchanges

The rules here are simple: we exchange the head coach of each Big Ten team with the nearest (or most convenient) NFL team. I will rank three things: The fit for the NFL team, the fit for the Big Ten team, and the hilarity factor.

When determining if these partnerships would actually work, the only thing you should take into account is the hilarity factor.

Big Ten East

Ohio State Buckeyes — Cleveland Browns

I thought I’d start with the gold standard example that has no doubt been discussed in a Massillon bar—could the Buckeyes’ HC turn around the Browns? (These rumors have to have been A Thing when Jim Tressel was at the helm, right?)

I think the world of Kevin Stefanski as a football thinker, and to see him with the Buckeyes’ talent disparity would be terrifying.

Ryan Day is Kevin Stefanski on a two-month bender. Big downgrade for the Browns.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights — New York Giants

OK, I grant this wasn’t the best one to follow Ohio State with. We saw Schiano’s disastrous time in the NFL, and Joe Judge is just NFL Chris Ash. It’ll get better, I promise.

Maryland Terrapins — Baltimore Ravens

Imagine Mike Locksley of 10 years ago on Hard Knocks. I’d watch the hell outta that.

The hilarity here is in yearly HARBAUGH BATTLES, particularly trying one of John’s arms behind his back with Maryland football to make it a fair fight.

Speaking of!

Michigan Wolverines — Detroit Lions

Please make the man who talked about biting kneecaps the head coach of the Michigan Wolverines. That’s all I ask of the world. Give me that one thing.

Michigan State Spartans — Detroit Lions

There’s not much to be excited about here. Campbell’s schtick is an unironic version of Sparty shoulder chips that doesn’t work as well as Dork Mantonio’s gruffness, and Mel Tucker would be cromulent 5-year NFL head coach.

Indiana Hoosiers — Indianapolis Colts

Imagining Tom Allen telling any NFL player: “Love Each Other” is kinda sad—and much sadder than imagining PJ Fleck doing it.

Frank Reich would do two things for us: Make Indiana Fun Again and bring some excellent beard game to the Big Ten. Ryan Day plus the Divorce Beards of Bert and Scott don’t really do it for me.

Penn State Nittany Lions — Philadelphia Eagles

Oh dear God. I didn’t think this conceit through.

If you there’s a way to actually throw a dogwhistle, Philly fans will figure out how to do it.

Big Ten West

Minnesota Gophers — Minnesota Vikings

Take this one away, WSR...

WSR: Oh my God.

Vikings fans dealing with Fleck and Gopher fans having to deal with Zimmer’s bullshit.

I hate you so much right now.

“Why is this asshole so optimistic?” and “Is 85 guys in the transfer portal at once a record?”

Purdue Boilermakers — Indianapolis Colts

Slightly better than in Bloomington, because Frank Reich and Basketball on Grass could actually be kinda fun. But Jeff Brohm would be a generic, 3-4 year tough guy NFL coach. God bless him.

Nebraska Cornhuskers — Kansas City Chiefs

I...uh...

...I don’t hate the idea of Andy Reid, Big Ten Coach.

Take Reid’s propensity for offensive innovation and get him a couple coordinators in Lincoln who know what they’re doing and can handle recruiting? I’d watch the pants off that.

Wisconsin Badgers — Green Bay Packers

The hilarity here is in the Packers hiring Mike McCarthy 2.0 to coach Aaron Rodgers.

Illinois Fighting Illini — Chicago Bears

BERT helming an NFL team would be funny for the first few months and then it’d just get sad again.

Northwestern Wildcats — Chicago Bears

Pat Fitzgerald wants to play such a boring, regressive brand of SHIELDBall that... It would almost work in the NFL? Think about his coaching staff: he would bring NFL DC retread Jim O’Neill with him, thus sparing my liver further damage, and would need to dip his toe in the water for an established, underwhelming offensive coordinator who was passed his time.

Norv Turner, come on down!

The Bears continue to hover around .500.

Iowa Hawkeyes — Blacked Out

Sorry, you’re stuck with Kirk Ferentz

Thursday Evening

Don’t Watch This

{NFL} New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts [7:20pm, FOX/NFL]

{Liga MX} Pumas UNAM vs. Santos Laguna [8pm, TUDN]
{Liga MX} Atlas vs. Queretaro [10pm, TUDN]

{NBA} Boston Celtics at Miami Heat [6:30pm, nbaTV]
{NBA} Houston Rockets at Phoenix Suns [9pm, nbaTV]

Watch That

Georgia State Panthers at Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns

6:30pm | ESPN | UL -12 | O/U 53.5

Delaware State Hornets at Morgan State Bears

6:30pm | ESPN2 | DSU -3.5 | O/U 39

Big Ten Volleyball

#11 Minnesota at #7 Ohio State

6pm | BTN | Preview here

#9 Nebraska at #25 Illinois

8pm | BTN | Preview here

Get my Moderna booster tonight, so I’m really excited to do that, then come home and watch Georgia State-Louisiana while every metallic object in my house sticks to my skin.

There’s some excellent volleyball action tonight that Kind of... has been nice enough to preview. Won’t you give it a read?

Would you be more or less likely to watch Colts-Jets if it was Greg Schiano against Jeff Brohm?

Friday Evening

Don’t Watch This

{Liga MX} Puebla vs. Toluca [8pm, TUDN]
{USL} San Antonio vs. San Diego Loyal [8pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Lokomotiv El Paso vs. Oakland Roots [8:30pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Mazatlan vs. Chivas [10pm, TUDN]

Watch That

Princeton Tigers at Dartmouth Big Green

5pm | ESPNU

Virginia Tech Hokies at Boston College Eagles

6:30pm | ESPN2 | VaTech -3 | O/U 47

Big Ten Men’s Hockey

Michigan State at Michigan (6:30pm — BTN)
Minnesota at Wisconsin (7pm — B1G+, Bally WI+, Bally North+)

Utah Utes at Stanford Cardinal

9:30pm | FS1 | Utah -7.5 | O/U 54

{SOC} Mt. Druitt Town vs. South Coast Wolves

3am | ESPN+ | Football Federation Australia Cup

It is infuriating that the Big Ten allows what is hypothetically one of its best products—RIVALRY WEEK in college hockey, especially Gophers-Badgers—to be hidden behind either the Big Ten Network Plus paywall or the even-less-accessible Bally Sports North Plus channels. The Big Ten Network doesn’t even list availability for Saturday’s Michigan-MSU game or either of the Penn State-Ohio State tilts. Good enough, Big Ten.

There are two college football games on Friday night that are best described as “good enough”—VaTech-BC should at least be competitive, while Stanford has shown an ability to at least get in the way in the Pac-12. I’d take the under in Utah-Stanford if you’re looking for a decent value bet, but I’m also a moron.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

Missouri Tigers at #1 Georgia Bulldogs (-38, O/U 59.5) [11am, ESPN]
#5 Ohio State Buckeyes (-15, O/U 64.5) at Nebraska Cornhuskers [11am, FOX]
Fightin’ Falwells at Ole Miss Rebels (-10, O/U 67.5) [11am, SECN]
Illinois Fighting Illini at Minnesota Gophers (-14.5, O/U 44) [11am, ESPN2]
#25 Pittsburgh Panthers (-21, O/U 64.5) at Duke Blue Devils [11am, ACCN]
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at UAB Blazers (-13.5, O/U 49.5) [11am, CBSSN]
Kansas State Wildcats (-24, O/U 55.5) at Kansas Jayhawks [11am, FS1]
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Miami Hurricanes (-10, O/U 63.5) [11:30am, ESPN3]

{Ligue 1} Lille vs. Angers SCO [11am, beIN]
{CPL} York United vs. Forge [12pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{FA Cup} Banbury United vs. Barrow [12:15pm, ESPN+]
{La Liga Segunda} Real Oviedo vs. Las Palmas [12:15pm, ESPN+]
{EPL} Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Newcastle United [12:30pm, NBC]
{EFL} Blackpool vs. Queens Park Rangers [12:30pm, ESPN+]
{La Liga} Deportivo Alaves vs. Levante [12:30pm, ESPN+]
{Bundesliga} RB Leipzig vs. Borussia Dortmund [12:30pm, ESPN+]
{Belgium First Division} Mechelen vs. Sint-Truiden [12:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Army Black Knights at Air Force Falcons

10:30am | CBS | AFA -2.5 | O/U 37

#9 Wake Forest Demon Deacons at North Carolina Tar Heels

11am | ABC | UNC -2.5 | O/U 76

SMU Mustangs at Memphis Tigers

11am | ESPNU | SMU -4.5 | O/U 70.5

Ranked FCS Matchups

#17 Missouri State Bears at #7 Southern Illinois Salukis

12pm | ESPN3

#18 VMI Keydets at #14 East Tennessee State Buccaneers

12pm | ESPN+

As we discussed earlier in the week, SMU (and certainly Houston) not being ranked is a damn joke. But hey, whatever keeps Cincinnati out of the College Football Playoff.

Whipsawing between Army-Air Force and Wake Forest-North Carolina would make for a hell of a compare-and-contrast kind of morning in college football. I think you should try it.

If you chose the last option you can leave right now, you lying liar. My wife will be in Milwaukee, and not even SHE is coming to this talk.

I get paid all the same, though.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Appalachian State Mountaineers (-21, O/U 68) at Arkansas State Red Wolves [1pm, ESPN+]
North Texas Mean Green (-5, O/U 48) at Southern Miss Golden Eagles [2pm, ESPN+]
Temple Owls at East Carolina Pirates (-16, O/U 54.5) [2pm, ESPN+]
California Golden Bears (-12, O/U 50.5) at Arizona Wildcats [2pm, Pac-12]
UL Monroe Warhawks at Texas State Bobcats (-3.5, O/U 59) [2pm, ESPN+]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at #6 Cincinnati Bearcats (-22.5, O/U 54.5) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Navy Midshipmen at Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-21, O/U 47.5) [2:30pm, NBC]
#11 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-3.5, O/U 49) at West Virginia Mountaineers [2:30pm, ESPN]
#13 Auburn Tigers at #14 Texas A&M Aggies (-4.5, O/U 49) [2:30pm, CBS]
Idaho State Bengals at #15 BYU Cougars [2:30pm, ESPN3]
#21 Wisconsin Badgers (-13, O/U 37.5) at Rutgers Scarlet Knights [2:30pm, BTN]
Rice Owls at Charlotte 49ers (-6, O/U 53) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (-16.5, O/U 68) [2:30pm, Stadium]
Penn State Nittany Lions (-10, O/U 55.5) at Maryland Terrapins [2:30pm, FS1]
[ARV] Rhode Island Rams at UMass Minutemen [2:30pm, FloSports]
South Alabama Jaguars at Troy Trojans (-4, O/U 47.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
#17 Mississippi State Bulldogs at Arkansas Razorbacks (-5, O/U 55.5) [3pm, SECN]
#19 NC State Wolfpack (-2.5, O/U 56) at Florida State Seminoles [3pm, ACCN]
Tulane Green Wave at UCF Knights (-13, O/U 59.5) [3pm, ESPNU]
Utah State Aggies (-18.5, O/U 71) at New Mexico State Aggies [3pm, FloSports]

{CPL} Edmonton vs. Valour [2:30pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{La Liga} Real Madrid vs. Rayo Vallecano [3pm, ESPN+]
{Ligue 1} Bordeaux vs. PSG [3pm, beIN]

{WRS} Purdue at Drexel [12pm, FloWrestling]

Watch That

#2 North Dakota Tractor Repair and Unironic “The Rachel, but still in 2021” Hair Salon Bizon at #9 South Dakota State Jackrabbits

2pm | ESPN+
THE BATTLE FOR THE DAKOTA MARKER

#3 Michigan State Spartans at Purdue Boilermakers

2:30pm | ABC | MSU -3 | O/U 54

#12 Baylor Bears at TCU Horned Frogs

2:30pm | FOX | Baylor -6.5 | O/U 58

Colorado State Rams at Wyoming Cowboys

2:30pm | CBSSN | CSU -3.5 | O/U 40.5

#4 Montana State Bobcats at #5 Eastern Washington Eagles

3pm | ESPN+

Yes, you’re correct, I said I’m getting PAID to talk about Russ Feingold and Paul Wellstone, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it. HISTORY PAYS OFF, KIDS.

A special “Welcome back” to Zombie Jerry Kill.

As I’ve told you all before, the Border War—Colorado State-Wyoming—is just the damn best:

In 1968, the ROTC detachments of the respective schools initiated the Bronze Boot, a traveling trophy awarded to the winner of the “Border War” each year. The boot was worn in the Vietnam War by Cpt. Dan J. Romero, an Adams State College graduate and Army ROTC instructor at CSU between 1967 and 1969. Each year leading up to the Colorado State–Wyoming game, the game ball is carried in a running shuttle relay by the ROTC detachment of the visiting team along US 287 to the Colorado–Wyoming border, where the home team’s ROTC detachment receives it and runs the game ball to the stadium hosting the game. The trophy is guarded by the ROTC unit of the past year’s winning school during the game.

Just awesome. There’s a potential Harbor awaiting if you don’t want to watch that, but you should just watch the Border War.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (-20, O/U 60.5) at Georgia Southern Eagles [5pm, ESPN+]
#22 Iowa Hawkeyes (-12, O/U 40.5) at Northwestern Wildcats [6pm, BTN]
LSU Tigers at #2 Alabama Crimson Tide (-28.5, O/U 66) [6pm, ESPN]
Tennessee Volunteers at #18 Kentucky Wildcats (EVEN, O/U 56.5) [6pm, ESPN2]
Old Dominion Monarchs (-3, O/U 51) at FIU Sunblazers [6pm, ESPN3]
Oregon State Beavers (-10.5, O/U 54) at Colorado Buffaloes [6pm, Pac-12]
#4 Oregon Ducks (-7, O/U 51) at Washington Huskies [6:30pm, ABC]
Indiana Hoosiers at #7 Michigan Wolverines (-20, O/U 50.5) [6:30pm, FOX]
Florida Gators (-18, O/U 52.5) at South Carolina Gamecocks [6:30pm, SECN]
Clemson Tigers (-4, O/U 46.5) at Louisville Cardinals [6:30pm, ACCN]
Texas Longhorns at Iowa State Cyclones (-6.5, O/U 60.5) [6:30pm, FS1]
Houston Cougars (-13, O/U 53) at South Florida Bulls [6:30pm, ESPNU]

{Liga MX} Leon vs. Necaxa [6pm, TUDN]
{USL} Charlotte Independence vs. Memphis 901 [6pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Tampa Bay Rowdies vs. FC Tulsa [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Louisville City vs. Miami FC [7pm, ESPN+]

{WRS} Purdue at Rider [7pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

Marshall Thundering Herd at Florida Atlantic Owls

5pm | Stadium | Marshall -1.5 | O/U 57.5

Boise State Broncos at #23 Fresno State Bulldogs

6pm | CBSSN | Fresno -5 | O/U 59
THE BATTLE FOR THE MILK CAN

UNLV Rebels at New Mexico Lobos

6pm | Stadium | UNM -2 | O/U 45

Big Ten Volleyball

#9 Nebraska at #7 Ohio State

6pm | BTN | Preview here

#11 Minnesota at #25 Illinois

8pm | BTN | Preview here

Wrestling fan? While most of the conference is at the Michigan State Open, Purdue takes a little road trip, old-school style: a dual with Bellarmine in Drexel, apparently, Saturday afternoon, then heads across whatever needle-infested body of water separates Philadelphia and New Jersey for another dual with Rider (the Broncs!). Atinat’s got you:

Meanwhile—if two teams play for a ridiculous regional trophy? Well, friends, you know what to do when the Broncos hit the normal turf in Fresno. You look for THE OL’ MILK CAN:

That’s a B1G-ass trophy right there.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

{Honduras} Olimpia vs. Motagua [8pm, FOX Deportes]
{Honduras} Motagua vs. Honduras Progreso [8pm, FOX Deportes]
{Liga MX} America vs. Rayados [8pm, TUDN]
{USL} Orange County SC vs. Colorado Springs [9pm, ESPN+]
{USL} Phoenix Rising vs. Rio Grande Valley [9:30pm, ESPN+]
{Liga MX} Tigres UANL vs. Bravos [10pm, TUDN}
{Liga MX} Xolos vs. Pachuca [10:06pm, Fox Soccer Plus]

Watch That

San Jose State Spartans at Nevada Wolf Pack

9pm | FS2 | Nevada -10 | O/U 54.5

UTSA Roadrunners at UTEP Miners

9:15pm | ESPN2 | UTSA -11 | O/U 53

USC Trojans at Arizona State Sun Devils

9:30pm | ESPN | ASU -8.5 | O/U 60

#24 San Diego State Aztecs at Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors

10pm | FS1 | SDSU -7.5 | O/U 46

A note about that wedding: It’s actually been canceled because the bride and groom both contracted COVID on Tuesday, but they’ve paid for the open bar and the food and the space (right downtown Milwaukee), so they’re telling their friends to go and have a great time at the dinner and make their investment worth it.

And ohhhhhh we shall.

But when it’s over? Plan is to hit up a few of our old haunts on Old World Third and, perhaps, even a campus bar. And I am going to ask every goddamn bartender in Milwaukee to turn off what I presume will be the Bucks game and to put on San Diego State-Hawai’i.

I cannot wait.

Also, let’s see how you get from UTSA’s stadium to UTEP’s:

All but one mile of the 550 is on I-10. The game is in another time zone.

Fuck you, Texas.

I eagerly await Dan Campbell, Michigan football coach. Have a pleasant weekend, everyone. Let me know your favorite coaching exchanges in the comments.